There’s Always a Reason

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent:

There’s always a reason behind failing grades, poor behavior, unhappiness., etc. So if you look at a situation and ask yourself what the reason might be you just might be able to solve the problem or at least become more aware of what is happening. For example, if things seem to be changing for your teen: low grades, stress, anxiety, depression, lack of good friendships/relationships, doesn’t like school, not getting along with parents, etc. you want to look at the total environment and what might be contributing. Have things changed at home: divorce, parents fighting, older sibling left house or is a better student than younger sibling? Have things changed in their world like friendships, more difficult classes, more activities and responsibilities, college pressure? Maybe they are feeling out of sorts because something has suddenly shown up like depression or anxiety. You need to realistically and responsibly assess the situation. What I mean is that you need to be honest about the contributors and what you might be responsible for causing and what they might be responsible for. Be calm and open to a conversation with your teen and don’t necessarily expect them to know what is causing the situation. They really might not know. Your goal is to make sure your teen is happy, safe and productive. This will require their input and real conversation. If your teen says I’m just not motivated…don’t buy it. Lack of motivation is a symptom of the problem. Instead, tell yourself there is always a reason. Let your teen know that you know there is a reason and that you are going to help them find out what it is. In working with teens and families it usually doesn’t take me long to find the reason, because I know there is something behind the behavior. If you need some help in figuring things out seek out the support of a therapist. I almost always suggest family therapy because most often the entire family dynamic is a contributing factor. And remember…there is always a reason.

For Girls Only

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

Respect yourself. Set your personal bar high…and higher each time you practice a relationship or make a mistake. You don’t have to do anything a person wants to get them to like you. If you do and you are not ready, most likely you won’t like the result. I want all girls to set their standards high. This means to think about what is important to you in a relationship and don’t settle for less. If you want the person to be respectful, listen, be open-minded, let you still see your friends, takes no for an answer, etc. then if you settle for nothing less, you will get what you want. Let’s see…what else could be on the list of high standards; likes you for you and doesn’t try to change you, appreciates your interests and hobbies, trustworthy and honest, etc. You get the idea. Now make your own list of what is important to you. Also, if you are not ready for sexual activity, you can say no! If the other person puts you down in any way because you are not ready, then they are not the right person for you.  If you set your self-standards high you will meet someone who meets those standards. As long as they are realistic! But that’s the point. Be patient and hold to your standards. Someone will come along and respect you for wanting more for yourself. You need to be your own best friend first. Put yourself at the top of the list of important things. I know it can be hard, especially for girls, to put themselves first. It does not mean you are selfish, it means you care about yourself. Other people come and go, but you will always have YOU. If you can practice doing  this you may find yourself happier and calmer about the choices you make. You will also be a better friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, etc.  Take care of you first: good sleep, good food, exercise/fresh air…and personal standards. You will find that you are happier with yourself and will probably make fewer mistakes. Believe you are worthy of a great relationship with others and yourself, we all are. But it’s up to you to make it happen. Nobody will do it for you and if you do it yourself you will feel really good about YOU! Maybe you will even feel really proud of  yourself!

Practice Letting Go

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

Now is the time to start practicing letting go. Before you know it they will be off on their own and away to college or life beyond high school. You want to send them off knowing they can make good solid choices and decisions for themselves. The only way to do that is to let them practice and experience the outcomes. You on the other hand have to practice letting them be free enough to do that. It’s easier said then done! But hopefully you have instilled some great values and have been a positive role model to your teen. If this is so, then let them try. What I mean is, if they have proven they are trustworthy, maybe let them go out without a curfew. Or let them set the time they will be home while  letting you know the plan. It’s still a good idea to know who they will be with and where they are going, but maybe you don’t need a minute by minute agenda. If you currently like being in constant text availability, let that go for a night. No texts unless really needed. Your teen will love the freedom and responsibility and will most likely prove to be reliable. If your teen is not trustworthy, this plan may not work. But you may be able to help them earn some trust and ultimately some freedom. Give them clear parameters for an outing and tell them if they go along with the plan and prove reliable and responsible, they will be able to start earning back your trust. And with trust comes freedom. We want our teens to become personally responsible in a way that keeps them as safe as possible. Teach them now so when they leave the nest, they will be ready. And you will be too.

LGBTQ…Don’t Be Afraid

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Dear Parent,

Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Questioning or Queer. Don’t be afraid, these are just ways a teen may use to identify themselves. It’s not a disease and it’s not a choice. I work with a group of LGBTQ teens and when I asked them if they would have chosen this identity, it was an emphatic NO! Life is hard enough for a teen when it comes to discovering who they are, feeling accepted for who they are and feeling confident about who they are without throwing in sex and gender issues. Let’s not make it harder for them by being closed minded or afraid to have a conversation. I have also found that if you have a pretty strong feeling that your teen may be dealing with LGBTQ issues, they probably are. I also found an easy way to get the conversation started is by bravely asking, “Do you identify LGBTQ?” If they say no, then either they are not ready to talk or they don’t identify with it. You can assure them it is OK with you if they are, even if they are not sure. Let them know you will support them. By you asking, you are showing them you are open to a conversation. Don’t you, as the parent, want to be the one they come to? To make that happen you need to let them know you are accepting of whoever they are, will love them no matter what, and that you are open-minded and non-judgmental. If you are not these things, become these things. Stay calm, and listen. Once they know you are safe to talk to, they just might open up.  Many teens exploring  their sexual and gender identities may also change how they identify. Be open to this too. They need to know they can explore their feelings around this without judgment. If you feel that your teen is struggling emotionally in any way, then they should probably be working with a therapist. If the family has an issue with LGBTQ identities, then maybe the family should work with a therapist, too. Many communities have resource centers where you can get help if needed. Your school counselors should also be a good place for help and support. We want to support all teens to be confident about who they are, never accept bullying and harassment as OK, and nurture them to be happy productive contributors to society. Why does their sexual or gender identity even matter if they are being good people? Let’s help them be the best they can be.

Start Planning…Yesterday

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

I’ve been recently reminded how important it is to start having a college conversation super early. I don’t mean preparing for college so you can get in, but more about how are you going to pay for it. This conversation cannot start early enough. And once your child has a general understanding about money and finances you can include them in the conversation. Planning means talking about what you feel your family will be able to afford, even without knowing the cost of college yet. Have you been piling money into a college account? If so, you may be in a better place to manage the cost of a college education. If not, it doesn’t mean you cannot afford college. It just means you may have to work a little harder and research a little more to meet the cost and make the right college decision. You may want to research a few different kinds of colleges, instate, out of state and private to get an idea of the cost. You can also run through an Expected Family Contribution (EFC) calculator to personalize your research even more. There are several good websites you can use to do this calculation. Make this part of your research. Don’t be afraid to find out the real numbers you will be facing. If you know now, you can plan now. This is way better than a big surprise once your teen starts getting acceptance letters! If your teen is just about out the door, don’t worry. There are many ways to finance a college education. There are also many choices when it comes to the right college which should include how much it will cost. So talk now, plan now and don’t be afraid of the future! Have your teen apply to colleges that not only offer a range of difficulty to get into, but range in cost. Then when the acceptance letters and financial aid letters come, you will have some great choices. And a college education will be a reality without a huge financial strain on the student or family.

Be Safe Be Smart Be Real

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

I used to run a lot of drug groups (support groups) at the high school I work at, but our district now has a program for students wanting or needing help. But every once in awhile I talk to a teen about drug use and this always comes up. It was my motto when doing the groups and it still stands true today. When talking to a teen about drug use I would ask “Are you being safe?” This means are you making choices that keep you safe like not driving under the influence of anything. Or can you limit your use so you don’t become completely out of it. It can also mean taking care of those around you so no one gets hurt. Then I would ask “Are you being smart?” Ask yourself if you are making smart choices. It’s pretty hard to say anything is a smart choice when talking about drugs and alcohol. But this is a real question to ask. It might help you NOT do something you might later regret. And last but not least is “Are you being real?” If you are under the influence of something how real are you really being? How can you be your true self if your self has been altered? If it is important to you to be real and true to yourself  then drugs and alcohol cannot be a part of that plan. If you are so far from knowing yourself enough to answer these simple questions then help may be needed. But if you keep it simple and ask yourself these questions when drugs and/or alcohol are in the picture, you may be able to say, “No thanks, I like who I am and like to be in control of myself. It’s a little scary to be altered in any way and I want to stay safe, smart and be the real me. Unaltered.” I had a banner in my office and group room to remind students regularly of this message. You could write it down somewhere too so you don’t forget about it. It really might help you make better decisions so you can be safe, smart and real. Always.

BE SAFE BE SMART BE REAL

How to Get Into the Best College in the Universe!!

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

Some of you may be hoping I am going to lay out a plan or formula for success, but that’s not what I will be talking about. For some of you, and you know who you are, it seems like the quest for the right college has become the quest to get your teen  into the best college in the universe! But really, what is the best college? You can read all the reports and rankings but if your child is not ready or doesn’t want that kind of pressure maybe it’s time to ease off. Is this quest more about you and being able to tell your friends and family that your teen got into the best college in the universe? No one needs to know you are reading this so be honest with yourself. Our teens today have enough pressure just trying to get the best grades they can, take challenging courses, join clubs, do extracurricular activities and volunteer with all that extra time they have! Oh yeah, they are also trying to figure out who they are and what they might want to do with their lives, choose a college major, find a career, etc. They do not need the pressure of getting into the best college in the universe. You need to be supporting them in finding a college that is the right fit for them, so they can be set up for success, not failure. I think there are many college environments that get overlooked because they are not at the top of the ranking lists. When in reality many of these colleges offer awesome college educations and preparation for real life. Talk to your teen about what they want, how they feel about the pressure of getting into college and how you can help them in their quest. Once they know they don’t have to get into the best college in the universe if they don’t want to, the pressure will ease, and they just might find a college that fits them best of all.

How to Jumpstart Your Therapy

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen and Parent,

Some people hesitate working with a therapist. It can feel like a HUGE project and process that may never end! In reality, committing to working on yourself and/or your issues can actually make life easier in the long run. Wouldn’t it be great to start therapy a few sessions ahead? I believe if you go in completely open to the process with a goal of your own you can actually lessen the number of sessions needed. Many people start therapy waiting for whatever the therapist tells or asks them. They take a passive role. If you try taking a proactive role in your own therapy, you may get further faster! Here’s what I mean. What is the reason or need for therapy? See if you can clearly define what YOU need, what would be YOUR goal? When therapy is over, what would you have wanted to accomplish? Here’s an example. Say you are depressed and anxious. Your reason for therapy is to feel better, not so down and no more anxiety attacks. Your goal might be to commit to every therapy session and find new ways to manage your feelings and the depression and anxiety. You want to lessen your stressors, too. In the end, you hope to accomplish knowing yourself and your needs better in a way that you can independently manage your life in a positive way. So to do that, for your first meeting with your therapist, you need to lay it all out. Be open and share your reasons, goals and hopeful outcomes. Be open and share how you really feel and what triggers your feelings and reactions. If you have had any kind of trauma or event in your life that has had a negative outcome for you, share that too! That’s what I mean about being proactive. It can take a few weeks for a therapist to get to know you and what you need, but if you go in with a plan and your own agenda, you may find working with the therapist a really positive experience for you. As a teen, it is the perfect plan to help you feel more in control of your own life. Maybe your parents will see that you are taking it seriously and truly want to make changes. In the end, don’t you really just want to be the best person you can be? More in control of your own life and the choices and decisions you will be making? Of course you do! So give it a try, you may learn some new things about yourself that you had never thought of before and not have to be in therapy forever!

What CAN You Do?

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

You can’t change other people, or change the past, so what CAN you do? Sometimes you may feel powerless in a situation but there is always something you can do. You may not be able to make another person be different or do what you want them to do, or change a situation but you certainly have power over what YOU do. The friends you have, the choices you make around social situations, how you do in school, etc. are all things you have control over. So you might have to literally ask yourself…what CAN I do? Think about all the things in your life that you do have control over: like going to school, doing all of your homework and classwork, being reliable with responsibilities and commitments, staying out of trouble (no drugs/alcohol, no breaking the law), keeping a positive attitude and being a good person. In other words, all the things you can do that have a positive impact on your life. If life at home is really difficult for you and you need to get out of the house, get a job or volunteer somewhere, join a sports team, club or gym.  These are things that are good for YOU and build on who you are and they get you out of the house doing something positive for YOU! This is not a way to fix the problem but it is a way to move forward and not be stuck feeling there is nothing you can do. As you get older the opportunities to have control in your life continue to grow, especially if you have been a good person staying out of trouble. So focus on the positive and see if you can find some things that make you feel good about yourself. As your sense of control in your life develops so does self-confidence and the maturity to handle anything life throws at you.

Good friends-Doing your best in school-Holding down a job-Volunteering or community service-Playing a sport-Participating in a club-Working on a hobby-Exploring an interest-Taking care of yourself:physically, emotionally, mentally-Helping others-The list goes on!

Finding Something Positive in a Painful Situation

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen and Parent,

Death of a loved one, be it a family member or friend, can leave you in a world of grief. It’s a process you will have to go through in your own way and in your own time. You cannot bring them back, or change what has happened. So what can you do? As you travel along the grief process path, if you can allow yourself to reflect on what that person has meant to you, and how they have impacted your life, you may be able to find something positive in the loss. What I mean is…think about how that person positively impacted your life. Maybe by always being there for you, making you laugh, loving you, supporting you in a crisis, being a great listener, someone fun to hang with, being a great friend, or someone you looked up to. Take that memory and quality about that person and think about how you can apply it to your own life. How can what that person gave you make you a better person? How can you be more like them or have more of that quality that meant so much to you? By becoming a better person, because of what they gave you, you are honoring that person’s life. Anytime we can be better people we will be affecting the world around us in a positive way. So let yourself reflect on the memories you are left with, laugh about the good times and funny moments, and let yourself take on a new view of who you are and who you can become by having been touched by the person you lost. What a great honor.