Category: Uncategorized

What CAN You Do?

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

You can’t change other people, or change the past, so what CAN you do? Sometimes you may feel powerless in a situation but there is always something you can do. You may not be able to make another person be different or do what you want them to do, or change a situation but you certainly have power over what YOU do. The friends you have, the choices you make around social situations, how you do in school, etc. are all things you have control over. So you might have to literally ask yourself…what CAN I do? Think about all the things in your life that you do have control over: like going to school, doing all of your homework and classwork, being reliable with responsibilities and commitments, staying out of trouble (no drugs/alcohol, no breaking the law), keeping a positive attitude and being a good person. In other words, all the things you can do that have a positive impact on your life. If life at home is really difficult for you and you need to get out of the house, get a job or volunteer somewhere, join a sports team, club or gym.  These are things that are good for YOU and build on who you are and they get you out of the house doing something positive for YOU! This is not a way to fix the problem but it is a way to move forward and not be stuck feeling there is nothing you can do. As you get older the opportunities to have control in your life continue to grow, especially if you have been a good person staying out of trouble. So focus on the positive and see if you can find some things that make you feel good about yourself. As your sense of control in your life develops so does self-confidence and the maturity to handle anything life throws at you.

Good friends-Doing your best in school-Holding down a job-Volunteering or community service-Playing a sport-Participating in a club-Working on a hobby-Exploring an interest-Taking care of yourself:physically, emotionally, mentally-Helping others-The list goes on!

Finding Something Positive in a Painful Situation

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen and Parent,

Death of a loved one, be it a family member or friend, can leave you in a world of grief. It’s a process you will have to go through in your own way and in your own time. You cannot bring them back, or change what has happened. So what can you do? As you travel along the grief process path, if you can allow yourself to reflect on what that person has meant to you, and how they have impacted your life, you may be able to find something positive in the loss. What I mean is…think about how that person positively impacted your life. Maybe by always being there for you, making you laugh, loving you, supporting you in a crisis, being a great listener, someone fun to hang with, being a great friend, or someone you looked up to. Take that memory and quality about that person and think about how you can apply it to your own life. How can what that person gave you make you a better person? How can you be more like them or have more of that quality that meant so much to you? By becoming a better person, because of what they gave you, you are honoring that person’s life. Anytime we can be better people we will be affecting the world around us in a positive way. So let yourself reflect on the memories you are left with, laugh about the good times and funny moments, and let yourself take on a new view of who you are and who you can become by having been touched by the person you lost. What a great honor.

I’m So Stressed Out!

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teens and Parents,

I feel there has been an increase in teens with anxiety and panic attacks. I started thinking about why this is happening. Why would there be an increase? I came to two main reasons I see as contributors; the pressure to get into a “good college” and overuse of technology.  I hear people say it is getting harder and harder to get into college and I see parents and adults putting pressure on teens to be and do everything they can to be the best college candidate possible. Because it is so hard to get into college!!! OK, that stresses me out and I’ve already been to college. Part of the reason I believe the pressure has increased is because of this kind of message. College isn’t really harder to get into because college has gotten harder to do, it’s because there are more people going to college now and there are not more colleges. This makes getting in more competitive and forces the college entrance requirement averages to go up. So teens and parents researching colleges see that it takes a higher GPA and test scores to get into a college than in past years. Then they think you better do more if you want to go to a good college. Maybe you better do everything! High GPA, high test scores, community service, sports, clubs, etc. As the pressure grows, the stress increases and anxiety may set in. Teens need to focus on doing the best they can. If you know that you have done the best you can and gave all of your activities, obligations, homework your best effort then GOOD JOB! Be proud of yourself and keep doing it! Consistency will pay off. Also, you don’t have to do everything. Find the things that are most important to you, that expand on your interests and then enjoy the experience. If you find your stress increasing, re-prioritize. What do you really need to focus on and what can you let go of? It is so important to maintain a healthy balanced life which includes managing your day. Know when you have reached your limit and re-assess. Everyone has a limit in how much they can handle. So give yourself a break and make sure you are doing what works for you. There is a college for everyone! (See previous blog Who Cares What Colleges Want!)

Now, the other reason I feel is a contributor to the increase in stress and anxiety is that there is too much attachment to technology, social media, texting and smart phones in general. If all day long you are checking your phone to see what’s happening and checking the constant texts and messages then you are constantly being distracted from doing what you need to be doing: like paying attention in class and homework. Everyone needs a little down time and the constant barrage is getting in the way. Try not texting or using your phone in any way for 1 week and see if you don’t feel more relaxed! If you are suffering from stress and anxiety…try being tech free for 1 week and see if it makes a difference. Then re-assess if it’s worth the stress it has caused you. You have complete control over letting technology affect you in a negative way. Isn’t nice to know you have complete control over something?? (See previous blog Please Put Down Your Phone!)

 

Why a waterfall?

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Maybe you are wondering about the connection between teens and a waterfall? Actually, my husband chose the name randomly but I really liked the sound of it and the possible meanings and connections. It quickly grew on me. There are the obvious connections like a waterfall can be powerful, beautiful, amazing. But you can also go over the falls, stand under the falls, swim right up to the falls. It made me think that teens and/or raising a teen can be all these things too, and more. So I decided to go with it and see where it carries me. You are welcome to go along for the ride.

Follow me as I add a new post at least 1x each week! I will try to cover every possible topic…and offer my ideas, advice and suggestions . I will also be adding more photos and art as I go along. The drawn art is by Michael McCroskey, the paintings and photos are by me. The original waterfall is a free photo because where I live the waterfalls are not this dramatic or beautiful, so my photos would fall short.

Waterfall Final

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Change the Message in Your Head

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

Here’s my lame analogy. If you wake up in the morning and it’s raining outside and you say, “I can’t believe it’s raining! I’m going to get all wet and today is going to be horrible.” What kind of day do you think you are going to have? If you wake up in the morning and it’s raining and you say, “Yay! It’s raining! I love the rain! Now I can wear my new cool rain boots!” What kind of day do you think you will have? No brainer. A great day! It’s all about the messages you tell yourself…all day long. It’s also about choice, choosing to see things in a positive way or not. Changing a message from negative to positive is not always easy and may take some time. It’s going to take a commitment to change. Try writing down your new message everywhere, like your bathroom mirror or on the inside cover of your binder or set your phone up with a message reminder, so you will be constantly reminded. Here’s an example. If you tell yourself “I’m not a good test taker” it may set you up to not even try. If you say “I’m going to prepare for this test and do the best I can” it keeps you in a positive mood. Here’s another example. ” I’m not good at anything.” Try “I am going to find some things I like to do and explore doing them!” Turn any negative message into a positive one and make sure they are your own words to yourself so that you truly connect with the message. Doing this can work with any subject: school, friends, self, family, activities and sports. Anything. It’s all about creating positive messages and working it until they become natural for you, until the positive overtakes the negative! Most good things don’t  come easy so be ready to try hard and do your best. And when you do make a new message that effects a change, be proud of yourself!

change the message

Original Art by Michael McRoskey 2015

She’s Better than Me

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

Every single student I have asked if they ever compare themselves to their peers has said yes. Every single student I have asked if when they compare themselves it makes them feel better about themselves has said no. And I have asked a lot! So of course I am constantly telling teens not to compare themselves with others. There will always be the student who gets a 4 point bazillion GPA and a gazillion on the SATs (that usually at least gets a small smile out of them)! So why not focus on being the best you can be? Easier said than done but starts with changing the message in your head. Instead of seeing that everyone around you got a higher grade than you on the test, ask yourself what else can I be doing? Am I doing the best I can everyday? And I don’t mean studying or homework 24/7. You need a life with balance too. So at the end of the day did you try your best? Were you able to set priorities and get things done? I know many of you are balancing school, family, sports or extracurricular stuff, friends, etc. Do you take care of what needs to be done? Also know that it seems just about everyone compares themselves to their peers. It’s pretty normal to do that, but is it working for you? Probably not. So try something new and believe in what you are capable of doing. Everyone comes with a different brain, different experiences, different learning abilities, different personalities…how could we possibly compare? So give yourself a break, stop comparing and just watch how relieving it feels! Start believing in your own individuality…see where it takes you.

Which words do you relate to?

COMPETENT-FUN-FRIENDS-DRIVEN-CONFIDENT-FABULOUS-FUTURE-FAMILY-HONEST-OPTIONS-POSSIBILITIES-EMOTIONS-SMILE-POSITIVE-HAPPY-ATTITUDE-IMAGE-SELF-EXCEPTIONAL-TALENTED-COMPASSIONATE-TRUST-COMMUNICATION-OPTIMISTIC-ATHLETIC-FUNNY-SMART-BEAUTIFUL-CARING-DREAMS-BELIEVE-TRUTH-LOVE-CREATIVE-HEALTH-KIND-CAREER-CHOICES-ADD YOUR OWN WORD!

It Starts Out Being Fun

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

Drugs and alcohol are so alluring for teens because it really seems like it might be fun! It’s a party! They help you loosen up and not be so self-conscious. Everyone is doing it (actually it is usually less than half of the students in a high school who use drugs or alcohol). So actually lots of kids are not doing it too. You also might be going through a tough time and drugs or alcohol take away the feeling…temporarily. It can be a form of escape from something difficult or painful. But when the effects of the drug or alcohol goes away, the problem will still be there. So it starts out fun. Feels good. Then something happens to interfere with the fun; you get caught by your parents or the police. Maybe you or a friend overdoes it and something scary happens (like passing out, date rape, injury, hospitalization). But you continue to use and it then becomes fun with problems because your parents are watching you, you are on restriction, etc. Then your grades start going down, you have trouble paying attention or even caring about school and your other activities. Your parents don’t trust you. You end up in court. When you use drugs or alcohol you are always scared that someone will find out and you will be in even more trouble.

It starts out being fun….then fun with problems….then just problems.

Is it really worth it? Is it worth the risk? Is it really that much fun to be looking over your shoulder, worried about getting caught, not feeling good about what you are doing? I hope your answer is NO to all of these questions. Nobody starts out thinking “I want to be a drug addict or alcoholic!” but before you know it you could be heading down that path. Drugs and alcohol are addicting and keep you from being the real you. How can you possibly be your true self while under the influence of something? You can’t. You might think that drugs or alcohol make you feel free, but in reality you will have more freedom in your life if you are drug/alcohol free. Your parents will trust you, your friends will be real friends (not partying friends), your future will be wide open.

Drug/alcohol free = FREEDOM. Think about that. Isn’t freedom more valuable than getting high? I know you all want your freedom..so the answer should be a resounding YES! If you need help getting away from drugs or alcohol don’t be afraid to tell an adult you trust. There are lots of us out there. And if you are using to escape something painful or difficult it is even more important to seek out an adult you trust to help.

Listen…

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

Really, just stop and listen. That is one of the top things kids tell me that they want from their parents. They want them to listen. Not talk, tell, argue, preach, question. Just listen. Calmly and with an open mind. So many teens feel shut down by being accused or judged. Wouldn’t you? It’s really hard for many teens to talk to any adults, let alone their parents, about anything. If you want to establish trust and openness with your teen, stop talking and listen. If they tell you something alarming, try not to overreact. Listen. Offer to discuss options in handling the information. Make decisions together, even if it requires consequences for negative behavior. Keep your voice calm and don’t react quickly. Take time to think things through before reacting. When I hear something alarming, my first comment is usually “OK…” I want them to keep talking! I want them to see that I am listening and reacting is a calm supportive way. If they see that you react to what they are telling you in a positive way, they just might feel comfortable enough to talk to you even more! And to come to you when they have a problem or situation that they need help with. Don’t you want to be the person they turn to? Of course you do. So keep the lines to communication open by being calm, attentive and the best listener ever!

Why it Can be so Hard to be a Teen

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

As a teen, you are going from being a child to becoming a young adult. That part is obvious. But when you think about all the changes that happen during that time it all becomes a little clearer. And I’m not talking about the physical changes. That part is also obvious. Just think, when you are a child you are more dependent on your parents and for the most part do what they tell you to do, look up to them for direction, let them handle everything. In fact, you never really have much thought about the details of life. Then you become a teenager and you start seeing the world in a different way. You start feeling the world in a different way. You start to see your parents as real people, with real flaws when in the past that thought may have never crossed your mind. You start pulling away from your parents and turning towards friends and other relationships for advice, information and acceptance. You want to do things your way and make your own decisions. You may start to see the world as not such a perfect happy place. It starts to get more complicated. That’s because you are starting to see the world and life as a young adult. You can think at a higher level now and as a result see things in a different way and feel things more. This is exactly what is supposed to be happening so cut yourself some slack. I get that it can be a really hard time as you navigate into adulthood. But if you accept that you are beginning to think and process as a young adult maybe it won’t seem so hard. It is all a part of growing up. I would hope it would give you confidence and take away some of the struggle. If you are going through a really hard time, please don’t be afraid to seek out adult help if needed. I know your first instinct will be to talk to friends, but remember, they are kids too. They may not know what to say or do. Look for an adult you trust like hopefully your parents. There are also family friends, relatives, teachers and of course your school counselor. It’s always OK to ask for help or run something by another person for support. It’s pretty hard to become an adult all by yourself!

Do WE Need a Therapist?

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

Very seldom is the teen the only one with a problem. You may have a teen who is acting out, showing changes in behavior, not doing well in school, angry, unmotivated, lying, trying drugs and/or alcohol. And you think maybe I need to get them working with a therapist. The answer is probably yes. But the question is WHY are these things happening? Behind every action or feeling there is a reason why. The things listed above are simply symptoms of something else. And behind that is a reason. Something I personally say a lot: There is always a reason. So what’s the reason? Take a look into what is happening in the family. Has there been any recent changes like divorce, parents fighting, illnesses, ineffective parenting (like yelling, accusing, too much pressure about grades/college, too strict, etc). Unacceptable parenting (yelling, hitting, abusive). Is the family struggling financially? You get the picture. Is there something happening in the dynamics of the family that just might be affecting everyone? The answer is usually yes. Almost every time I talk to parents about what’s happening with their teen, there is something happening in the family. With that said, EVERYONE needs to see the therapist for family therapy! It also takes the pressure off the teen from thinking they have a problem when really the family has the problem. Plus don’t you want to know how to help your teen? Don’t you want to learn how to be the best parent you can be by getting some help in doing just that? It sends a whole different message to your teen if you get in there and be part of the solution to the problem with them.