Uncategorized – Page 3 – Teen Waterfall

Four Years of College May Not Be For Everyone

January 24, 2016January 24, 2016 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

There seems to be this crazy push, at least in my community, for all teens to get into college. While this can be a great idea it just may not be for everyone. I like the idea of figuring out what you want to do as a job/career and then doing what it takes to prepare for that job. I know lots of teens have no idea what they want to do but they might have a pretty good idea of what they like, what they are interested in and what they are good at. That’s a great starting point to figuring out a career area of interest. Lots of teens just don’t really like school and the thought of college is overwhelming. Especially if they have no idea what they want to study, or why. I recently saw a video put together by our local community college that clearly showed the trend in the relationship between education and job earning potential. It was also very clear that the trend is showing that there are more and more jobs that don’t even require a four year degree! But they do require some specific training, often a 1 or 2 year training program. The great things about these programs are that the classes are more specific to what you need to know to do the job. While a four year college education is a an awesome opportunity to learn many different things, it might not be for you. So I suggest exploring what you might really enjoy doing for a career and then finding out what it will take to get there. You might be surprised! And there are tons of career exploration tools available online and at most high schools. Planning ahead may help send you in a direction you enjoy pursuing and help you become a self-supporting member of society.

What Makes Anyone Think Sexting is a Good Idea?

January 10, 2016January 10, 2016 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

Recently I did a poll of teens at my school to see how many had been involved, or knew someone involved, in sexting. It was an overwhelming 60% of teens had been involved in sexting. Sixty per cent. Six out of every ten teens. Now this was at my school and maybe your school might be higher or lower, but it seemed like a solid average number. And it is shocking! What would make anyone think that sexting is a good idea? I’m married and wouldn’t send risky pictures of myself to my own husband, who I trust completely! You just never know what can happen to pictures sent out in the internet world. You may think you are safe because you deleted the pictures or put them in a “vault”, but that’s no guarantee. You may also think you trust the person you are sending pictures to, but we are talking teen relationships and very rarely do they last and you also don’t always stay friends that you can trust. I’m also sorry to say that there are a lot of crazy people out there looking for risky pictures of teens, or children. It’s called pornography. So if you think about it, is it worth the risk? I have seen too many teens send pictures of themselves to someone that end up being something lots of other people see. Boys seem to have a tendency to “share” these pictures with other boys. “Look what this girl sent!” “Check out my girlfriend!” You get the idea.

Girls… NEVER take this risk, it just isn’t worth the possible embarrassment and humiliation. Please know that if a guy asks you to send him a risky picture you can say no. If he gives you a hard time for not doing it he’s not the guy for you. You deserve better. Remember it’s about respect and if you say no to anything, that needs to be respected. Think for a minute how it would feel to have a compromising picture of yourself viewed by a lot of people. There’s nothing about it that would feel good. Nothing.

Boys…NEVER think that getting a girl to send you a risky picture, even a girlfriend, is a good idea. Do you really need a picture to have a good relationship? No you do not. So be respectful of girls and don’t even ask for a picture. Also, do not send one of yourself! It goes the other way too. You never know what will happen to that picture and who might get a hold of it. It’s not worth the risk. Super important: If you ever think about getting a risky picture and then giving it, sending it or selling it to someone else you are risking child pornography. Seriously. Very seriously. So don’t EVER do it.

Teens…Try having a relationship or friendship that’s real. Live. Real conversations. Look into each other’s eyes and faces when you talk. Being with each other. Doing things together. Trusting and respecting each other. It’s much healthier and way less risky. Do you really need to send risky pictures to keep a relationship or friendship? I certainly hope not because that would not be a healthy relationship/friendship. Let’s get that 60% down to zero.

Sexting: To send someone, or receive, a sexually explicit, suggestive or provocative photograph, image or message via cell phone.

Honoring Your Emotions

November 14, 2015November 14, 2015 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

Rarely are we taught about our emotions and feelings. We’re familiar with mad, sad, happy….but sometimes you might not be sure what you are feeling. You just know you are feeling something out of the ordinary. It is always helpful to identify your emotions so you know where it’s coming from and what to do about it. Then when you know how and what you are feeling you can stop a moment and honor those emotions. What I mean by that is that all emotions are valid. If you are caught in a moment and are trying hard not to cry, you may just need to find a safe place and let it go! You may have to say to yourself, “Yes, I am very bummed out right now,” and cry or let yourself feel sad. If we don’t slow down enough to honor our feelings it means we are shutting them down/holding them inside. And that is not healthy. All emotions/feelings are valid, so that goes for your friends and family too. If you are angry about what someone else has done, you may need some time to process your feelings (think about it) so you don’t just react to the emotion and situation. Sometimes that can cause a negative situation. But it doesn’t mean you can’t be angry. I think if we were all taught early on about handling our emotions and feelings we would just get along a lot better. We might not have as much stress or anxiety about life. We might be able to talk about how we are feeling in an honest way. So next time you are feeling something, stop and give it a moment of your time to honor those feelings. Take a deep breath and ask yourself why you are feeling this right now. Be honest with yourself. Then let yourself cry, laugh, be frustrated, angry, disappointed, embarrassed, guilty or hurt. You have the opportunity to grow immensely in knowing yourself. Just make sure you can get yourself back to happy and healthy because that’s the goal.

AFRAID-TERRIFIED-LONELY-INSPIRED-LUCKY-THANKFUL-OPTIMISTIC-ENCOURAGED-INTRIGUED-REBELLIOUS-DISCOURAGED-SKEPTICAL-DISTRESSED-CALM-ASHAMED-GUILTY-CONFUSED-HOPEFUL

There’s Always a Reason

November 11, 2015November 12, 2015 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent:

There’s always a reason behind failing grades, poor behavior, unhappiness., etc. So if you look at a situation and ask yourself what the reason might be you just might be able to solve the problem or at least become more aware of what is happening. For example, if things seem to be changing for your teen: low grades, stress, anxiety, depression, lack of good friendships/relationships, doesn’t like school, not getting along with parents, etc. you want to look at the total environment and what might be contributing. Have things changed at home: divorce, parents fighting, older sibling left house or is a better student than younger sibling? Have things changed in their world like friendships, more difficult classes, more activities and responsibilities, college pressure? Maybe they are feeling out of sorts because something has suddenly shown up like depression or anxiety. You need to realistically and responsibly assess the situation. What I mean is that you need to be honest about the contributors and what you might be responsible for causing and what they might be responsible for. Be calm and open to a conversation with your teen and don’t necessarily expect them to know what is causing the situation. They really might not know. Your goal is to make sure your teen is happy, safe and productive. This will require their input and real conversation. If your teen says I’m just not motivated…don’t buy it. Lack of motivation is a symptom of the problem. Instead, tell yourself there is always a reason. Let your teen know that you know there is a reason and that you are going to help them find out what it is. In working with teens and families it usually doesn’t take me long to find the reason, because I know there is something behind the behavior. If you need some help in figuring things out seek out the support of a therapist. I almost always suggest family therapy because most often the entire family dynamic is a contributing factor. And remember…there is always a reason.

For Girls Only

November 1, 2015November 1, 2015 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

Respect yourself. Set your personal bar high…and higher each time you practice a relationship or make a mistake. You don’t have to do anything a person wants to get them to like you. If you do and you are not ready, most likely you won’t like the result. I want all girls to set their standards high. This means to think about what is important to you in a relationship and don’t settle for less. If you want the person to be respectful, listen, be open-minded, let you still see your friends, takes no for an answer, etc. then if you settle for nothing less, you will get what you want. Let’s see…what else could be on the list of high standards; likes you for you and doesn’t try to change you, appreciates your interests and hobbies, trustworthy and honest, etc. You get the idea. Now make your own list of what is important to you. Also, if you are not ready for sexual activity, you can say no! If the other person puts you down in any way because you are not ready, then they are not the right person for you. If you set your self-standards high you will meet someone who meets those standards. As long as they are realistic! But that’s the point. Be patient and hold to your standards. Someone will come along and respect you for wanting more for yourself. You need to be your own best friend first. Put yourself at the top of the list of important things. I know it can be hard, especially for girls, to put themselves first. It does not mean you are selfish, it means you care about yourself. Other people come and go, but you will always have YOU. If you can practice doing this you may find yourself happier and calmer about the choices you make. You will also be a better friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, etc. Take care of you first: good sleep, good food, exercise/fresh air…and personal standards. You will find that you are happier with yourself and will probably make fewer mistakes. Believe you are worthy of a great relationship with others and yourself, we all are. But it’s up to you to make it happen. Nobody will do it for you and if you do it yourself you will feel really good about YOU! Maybe you will even feel really proud of yourself!

Practice Letting Go

October 17, 2015October 17, 2015 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

Now is the time to start practicing letting go. Before you know it they will be off on their own and away to college or life beyond high school. You want to send them off knowing they can make good solid choices and decisions for themselves. The only way to do that is to let them practice and experience the outcomes. You on the other hand have to practice letting them be free enough to do that. It’s easier said then done! But hopefully you have instilled some great values and have been a positive role model to your teen. If this is so, then let them try. What I mean is, if they have proven they are trustworthy, maybe let them go out without a curfew. Or let them set the time they will be home while letting you know the plan. It’s still a good idea to know who they will be with and where they are going, but maybe you don’t need a minute by minute agenda. If you currently like being in constant text availability, let that go for a night. No texts unless really needed. Your teen will love the freedom and responsibility and will most likely prove to be reliable. If your teen is not trustworthy, this plan may not work. But you may be able to help them earn some trust and ultimately some freedom. Give them clear parameters for an outing and tell them if they go along with the plan and prove reliable and responsible, they will be able to start earning back your trust. And with trust comes freedom. We want our teens to become personally responsible in a way that keeps them as safe as possible. Teach them now so when they leave the nest, they will be ready. And you will be too.

LGBTQ…Don’t Be Afraid

October 17, 2015October 17, 2015 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Questioning or Queer. Don’t be afraid, these are just ways a teen may use to identify themselves. It’s not a disease and it’s not a choice. I work with a group of LGBTQ teens and when I asked them if they would have chosen this identity, it was an emphatic NO! Life is hard enough for a teen when it comes to discovering who they are, feeling accepted for who they are and feeling confident about who they are without throwing in sex and gender issues. Let’s not make it harder for them by being closed minded or afraid to have a conversation. I have also found that if you have a pretty strong feeling that your teen may be dealing with LGBTQ issues, they probably are. I also found an easy way to get the conversation started is by bravely asking, “Do you identify LGBTQ?” If they say no, then either they are not ready to talk or they don’t identify with it. You can assure them it is OK with you if they are, even if they are not sure. Let them know you will support them. By you asking, you are showing them you are open to a conversation. Don’t you, as the parent, want to be the one they come to? To make that happen you need to let them know you are accepting of whoever they are, will love them no matter what, and that you are open-minded and non-judgmental. If you are not these things, become these things. Stay calm, and listen. Once they know you are safe to talk to, they just might open up. Many teens exploring their sexual and gender identities may also change how they identify. Be open to this too. They need to know they can explore their feelings around this without judgment. If you feel that your teen is struggling emotionally in any way, then they should probably be working with a therapist. If the family has an issue with LGBTQ identities, then maybe the family should work with a therapist, too. Many communities have resource centers where you can get help if needed. Your school counselors should also be a good place for help and support. We want to support all teens to be confident about who they are, never accept bullying and harassment as OK, and nurture them to be happy productive contributors to society. Why does their sexual or gender identity even matter if they are being good people? Let’s help them be the best they can be.

How to Get Into the Best College in the Universe!!

September 20, 2015September 20, 2015 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

Some of you may be hoping I am going to lay out a plan or formula for success, but that’s not what I will be talking about. For some of you, and you know who you are, it seems like the quest for the right college has become the quest to get your teen into the best college in the universe! But really, what is the best college? You can read all the reports and rankings but if your child is not ready or doesn’t want that kind of pressure maybe it’s time to ease off. Is this quest more about you and being able to tell your friends and family that your teen got into the best college in the universe? No one needs to know you are reading this so be honest with yourself. Our teens today have enough pressure just trying to get the best grades they can, take challenging courses, join clubs, do extracurricular activities and volunteer with all that extra time they have! Oh yeah, they are also trying to figure out who they are and what they might want to do with their lives, choose a college major, find a career, etc. They do not need the pressure of getting into the best college in the universe. You need to be supporting them in finding a college that is the right fit for them, so they can be set up for success, not failure. I think there are many college environments that get overlooked because they are not at the top of the ranking lists. When in reality many of these colleges offer awesome college educations and preparation for real life. Talk to your teen about what they want, how they feel about the pressure of getting into college and how you can help them in their quest. Once they know they don’t have to get into the best college in the universe if they don’t want to, the pressure will ease, and they just might find a college that fits them best of all.

How to Jumpstart Your Therapy

September 20, 2015September 20, 2015 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen and Parent,

Some people hesitate working with a therapist. It can feel like a HUGE project and process that may never end! In reality, committing to working on yourself and/or your issues can actually make life easier in the long run. Wouldn’t it be great to start therapy a few sessions ahead? I believe if you go in completely open to the process with a goal of your own you can actually lessen the number of sessions needed. Many people start therapy waiting for whatever the therapist tells or asks them. They take a passive role. If you try taking a proactive role in your own therapy, you may get further faster! Here’s what I mean. What is the reason or need for therapy? See if you can clearly define what YOU need, what would be YOUR goal? When therapy is over, what would you have wanted to accomplish? Here’s an example. Say you are depressed and anxious. Your reason for therapy is to feel better, not so down and no more anxiety attacks. Your goal might be to commit to every therapy session and find new ways to manage your feelings and the depression and anxiety. You want to lessen your stressors, too. In the end, you hope to accomplish knowing yourself and your needs better in a way that you can independently manage your life in a positive way. So to do that, for your first meeting with your therapist, you need to lay it all out. Be open and share your reasons, goals and hopeful outcomes. Be open and share how you really feel and what triggers your feelings and reactions. If you have had any kind of trauma or event in your life that has had a negative outcome for you, share that too! That’s what I mean about being proactive. It can take a few weeks for a therapist to get to know you and what you need, but if you go in with a plan and your own agenda, you may find working with the therapist a really positive experience for you. As a teen, it is the perfect plan to help you feel more in control of your own life. Maybe your parents will see that you are taking it seriously and truly want to make changes. In the end, don’t you really just want to be the best person you can be? More in control of your own life and the choices and decisions you will be making? Of course you do! So give it a try, you may learn some new things about yourself that you had never thought of before and not have to be in therapy forever!