Dear Teen,
So many of us have had tragic, traumatic or life-changing events in our lives. I have then seen so many teens be adversely effected by the event for years after it happened. They have expressed guilt, remorse, embarrassment, etc. When the fact of the matter is that when something happens to you or someone does something to you it does not have to define who you are. YOU get to define who you are. Learning to let go of a bad situation or coming to terms with something that someone did TO YOU can be very freeing. You also have the opportunity to grow tremendously. An example would be if you had been sexually or physically abused as a child and end up feeling like you just aren’t worth anything, your self-esteem has been damaged, and you find yourself making some really bad choices. You may even find yourself depressed and having a hard time managing life. Now I know that letting go, moving on, putting the past behind you is easier said than done and can take a lot of work and self-reflection, but it is worth it. Working with a therapist can also be a great help in getting a handle on your feelings. Keep in mind that YOU get to define who you are, never someone else. It can be very empowering to adopt this philosophy because it helps you get your power back. Don’t ever give up your power to be you to someone else. Once you take your power back, it can be a lot of fun finding your way through life. You can start developing who you are, what you like to do, what kinds of things you are interested in and what you want to do in the future. You will believe you deserve to have good people around you. Be hopeful and know you deserve to have a good life like anyone else. It’s your choice.
Category: Uncategorized
Are You Resourceful?
Dear Teen,
I wish I saw more teens being resourceful. It seems like it should be more common but it just isn’t. What do I really mean? I guess I’m talking about problem solving, finding answers and solutions on your own. It also means trusting yourself and believing in yourself enough to rely on your current knowledge and ability to figure it out. When I’m helping a teen I make it a practice not to give them the answer to a problem or tell them what to do. Instead, I help them figure out what they need to do by having them go step by step. Every time you figure something out on your own (maybe with some guidance) you build confidence in your ability to do so. You will start to see yourself as a very capable resource. What you don’t know, you can figure out. And it is always OK to ask for help! Just be ready to follow through on your own. You never want someone to do it for you. OK, you might want to have someone do it for you, but there is no growth in doing it that way. A resourceful teen will learn to trust your own ability and judgement, and that can go a long way when faced with life challenges both big and small. If you rely on someone else solving it for you or giving you the answers, what do you really learn? So trust yourself to try, and what you don’t know ask for some guidance. Then go out and do it yourself. Practice this and you will feel your self-confidence grow stronger and stronger. And most important of all, be proud of yourself for working it through! You are on your way to being a resourceful teen!
Building Resilience: It’s Not Too Late
Dear Teen,
I’ve been wondering lately why more teens are not more resilient. Maybe if you knew what it meant it might help, because I believe you can build resilience. Resilience means the ability to adapt well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or other significant sources of stress. This can include family issues, relationship problems, health problems or work or money issues. And many of these things can happen to us at any time throughout our lifetimes. For teens I feel it can be particularly difficult to manage because you are just beginning to get to know yourselves, who you are, what you believe is important, etc. By first being aware that you can be more resilient to life’s ups and downs is a start. Resiliency is definitely something that can be learned because it involves how you handle situations, your actions and responses, your thoughts and behaviors which are all things that can be changed, developed and managed. Here are some ideas on how to build resilience. These are just some ideas that I hope you can make your own. Read on….
Take Care of Yourself – The number one thing to do is to make sure you take care of you. Eat good food, get fresh air and some exercise, sleep enough and well, care for your body, mind and spirit, give yourself downtime to relax and de-stress. Make YOU your own best friend and treat yourself with love and care.
Set Goals – Make small and large, short and long-term goals. Then every time you reach one, be proud of yourself!! Set some goals that are very easily attainable and won’t take too much time like; getting all of your homework done before 9pm, making a good choice about food, or starting a project you have been putting off. Longer term goals can have mini-accomplishments along the way. The goal of setting goals is to do them and feel good about yourself and the accomplishment.
Build Relationships / Create Connections – Think about the people you choose to be around and make sure they are a positive influence on you, and you on them. You want your relationships to be real and honest, supportive and encouraging. You can continue your connections by possibly reaching into your local community by volunteering. Giving back can be great for your self-esteem and confidence and you just might meet more people who have the same interests and attitudes about life as you. Seek out the positive in all of your relationships and don’t be afraid to let drama, stress or toxic relationships go.
Build on the Positive – Make sure you can turn your focus to the positive side of things, even when times are tough. It’s a lot about the messages you tell yourself. If you tell yourself you will get through this and it will be OK, you have a higher chance of making that happen. If you accept that all kinds of things happen in life and you have the power and control to manage them, you can be OK. I’m not saying it will always be easy, but you can believe you can get through tough times.
Don’t Believe Everything People Tell You – Sometimes people say mean things or do mean things to us, that doesn’t mean you have to own it, or believe it. YOU get to decide how you feel about you. You do not have to let what someone else says or does to you define who you are. YOU get to decide that. Remember that. It’s huge when it come to building resiliency.
Learn From Your Past / Learn From Your Mistakes – It’s OK to make mistakes and poor choices, but you want to make sure you learn from them. If you did something that did not work out too well for you, make sure you don’t do it again! Think about the things that cause you the most stress…how can you avoid these in the future? Think about what you have learned about yourself along the way and accept this new knowledge so you can make better choices in the future. Choices that will lead you to feeling happy, not stressed or down.
Build Your Confidence – Anything you can do to build up your confidence in yourself will always be helpful in being a strong, resilient person. Focus on making good choices that build on who you are and want to be. Think about the qualities you admire and strive towards that. When you do something good, be proud of yourself! When you accomplish a goal, be proud of yourself! Believe you are a good person with a lot to offer the world and always work on being the best person you can be.
You can Get Through It – If you are going through a crisis, know that it will not be like this forever. You will get through it and feel good again. Try looking into the future and some of your long term goals, then take it a day at a time, a step at a time. Also be sure to get professional help if need it to navigate through a crisis.
These are some of the things that can start building your resilience. It takes time and perseverance. But the bottom line is that you can get through just about anything if you believe in yourself and your ability to do so. So build on you, give yourself credit for all the good you do and that is in your life, and know that you have the power and control to be happy and healthy.
Drinking, Drugs and Uber
Dear Parent,
Please do not give your teen an Uber account so they can get home safely when out drinking or using drugs. Are you kidding me? Think of the message this sends to them! It really says that you expect them to party and jeopardize their ability to drive, so be ready! The message should always be “I don’t ever want you to drink or use drugs, it’s against the law and not worth it.” But if your teen has made a poor choice and has used alcohol or drugs, please tell them “Do not drive the car, I will come and get you.” You have to also agree, and tell them, that you will not get mad at them or yell at them, but that you most certainly will have a conversation about their choices. The message should always be that drinking and drugs are not acceptable. I hear many parents say “Well, you know, teenagers are going to party so that’s OK as long as they are safe.” Never say it is OK! You have to always say it is unacceptable and that there will be consequences for their actions. I know there is a huge chance that they will try alcohol and drugs but your message needs to be consistent. Remember too that it is against the law for teens under 21 (18 in some places) to use alcohol and it is against the law for everyone to drive under the influence of anything. And then if or when they blow it, you can have a conversation addressing their actions and choices. But if your message is too lax, they very well may take advantage of it thinking you’re cool with them using. You want to establish mutual trust. They need to know that you mean what you say and you need to know they will do the right thing. If they make a mistake, they need to be able to come to you and talk with you about it. If they know you mean what you say they just might try to rise to that and maintain a trusting relationship with you. So if you think an Uber account is the answer it simply is not. YOU are the answer and you need to be ready to go pick them up if the occasion arises. This will also afford an opportunity to talk about what they are doing and how serious it is. You need to know if your teen is in serious trouble. Never give that away for the convenience of a lift home.
Please Take the Car
Dear Parent,
If your teen gets in trouble in any way, especially about drugs or alcohol…and they are a driver…and you have given them the car…even if you make them pay for gas…PLEASE TAKE THE CAR! I say this so emphatically because it really pisses me off. I may drive on that same road, the people I love drive on that same road, innocent people may get hurt. Drugs and alcohol do impare anyone’s ability to drive. Alcohol is obvious, but even marijuana effects driving ability, mostly with slower reaction times. Some teens who use marijuana will say they can drive better while high, they are more relaxed. I absolutely do not agree. And the statistics will support my side. If you are going to get behind the wheel of a huge, heavy moving vehicle you better be alert, attentive and ready. So if your teen has violated your trust, really in any way, but most emphatically if drugs or alcohol are involved…take the car now! Then give them a way to earn it back. Most likely if they are using a substance, there have been signs: grades dropping, poor attendance at school, attitude changes, less communicative, different friends, etc. So tell them they can earn it back by obviously…NO MORE DRUGS OR ALCOHOL. They can earn it back by having perfect attendance, and I mean NO tardies or unexcused absences (and don’t excuse them unless they are truly sick). They can earn it back by turning in all schoolwork and showing that their grades are improving. Tell them they have to maintain a C or better grade point average. They need to share where they are going and who they are with and friend’s parent’s contact information. Then give it 2 weeks and at the end of the 2 weeks you will check their attendance, grades, and assess behavior. Then you will all discuss whether they can get the car back. No I didn’t forget about the fact that they may have been using drugs or alcohol, that’s a whole other issue that needs your immediate and serious attention. So start drug testing them to get a baseline of how big and serious the problem is. I recommend taking them in to see the doctor for an in depth drug screening. That’s probably the only way you will get a very accurate picture of what you are all dealing with. Then listen to the doctor’s recommendations, and seek out professional help for the entire family. And get your teen clean and sober before allowing them back on the road. They need to earn the privilege of driving, even if it is an inconvenience to you.
I Don’t Know
Dear Parent,
If you have a teen who is causing you concern and when you ask them what’s going on or what are they doing and they say “I don’t know”, I truly believe it is because they really don’t know. A teen’s brain is still developing but also on it’s way to becoming an adult brain. With that comes new ways of thinking and feeling about things. Their ability to process information is also changing. So when the answer to your question is “I don’t know”, they probably really don’t know the answer. For instance, you recently discover that your teen has been self-harming and when you ask why you get an “I don’t know.” You need to accept that answer and not keep pushing for another one. Instead, let them know you are super concerned and will seek out professional help for them and for you. You need to learn how best to help your teen, and they need help in identifying how they are truly feeling so they can move towards being healthy. You both need professional help to find a solution, gain understanding and for support. So as hard as it is to accept an I don’t know answer, it’s actually a great place to start. Calm communication is the key. Be open, accepting and try to really listen.
Out of Control?
Dear Teen,
I find it helpful to divide the things going on in your life into two broad categories: the things you CAN control and the things you CANNOT. We often fight against the things we have no control over. As an example, say you have a parent who drinks too much and you hate it. You have tried and tried to get them to stop. You’ve told them it scares you and you never know what to expect, but the drinking continues. Your parent assures you they will stop, but they don’t. So no matter what you say or do nothing changes. Try this: put your focus on what you DO have control over. Like going to school and doing all of your classwork and homework. You can put your focus on doing the best you can in school. You also have control over your actions and decisions. I know your parents still have some say but it is ultimately your choice on how you respond to everything going on around you. You get to choose your friends and your relationships, hopefully choosing people who support and accept you for who you are and that you choose healthy relationships. You get to choose whether you do risky behaviors like anything breaking the law (shoplifting, etc.) or drinking or using drugs. You get to choose how you treat others, like respectfully, kindly and with compassion. You can choose to hold down a job and earn some of your own money. So while so much may feel out of your control there is still so much that is well within your complete control. Shift your focus to YOU, not what others are doing. It can be very empowering to take the control back with a focus on all the positive things you can do for YOU.
How’s That Working For You?
Dear Parent,
So many times we just keep repeating the same mistakes or behaviors even if it doesn’t work for us. As parents, we often keep saying the same things over and over to our teen with the same lack of results. Like when we ask them if they did their homework everyday and they say yes but later on we find that the grades do not support this. But we keep asking if they did their homework and they say yes. Or we get caught up in asking why they didn’t do it with the same response every time of I don’t know. It becomes a vicious cycle. We get stuck. Well, if saying the same things over and over keep producing the same lack of results, stop saying that and try something new. You might have to ask yourself…how’s that working for me? If you answer that it is not, then that’s your invitation to try something else. Stopping and asking yourself if it’s working for you can help you realize that you need to try something else. So be aware of your actions, behaviors and words and see if you are getting the results you want. Then stop the cycle. Chances are you can find something that will work and while it usually involves a conversation with your teen that includes really listening to what they have to say, you may find that trying something new really works.
Dear Teen,
Here’s a possible scenario: You get up late every morning for school and now have a long attendance record that includes daily tardies to your first period class. So you get called into the office and get detention and can’t hang with your friends at lunch for a week! This is a good time to ask yourself if getting up late is working for you. Obviously it’s not. Here’s another possible scenario: You totally understand math and get high scores on the tests, but you never do the homework because you already know you’ll do well on the tests. So super smart you just got a D in the class because you got no credit for the missed homework. Good time to ask yourself…how’s that working for you?Sometimes we get stuck on habits that don’t really work for us in the long run. It might be working for you in the moment because you get to sleep longer, or don’t have to spend time doing the assigned homework. But in the long run you have to pay the consequences. So what you have been doing is clearly not working for you. Time to make a change. Think about how you can change the old habit to one that works for you. So often you will find that you can have it all. Youi can get to school on time, get your homework done and have time for friends and family and other interests. Don’t let yourself get stuck in habits and behaviors that aren’t really working for you. Remember that you actually have a lot of control over the things you do. So choose the things that will have a positive outcome for you.
Whose Got the Real Problem?
Dear Parent,
Get ready because this is all about…NOT hitting your kids. I come across this way too often in my line of work. It has become so obvious who has the real problem. Seriously, there really is nothing a child could do to deserve to be hit by a parent. They could have the worst attitude, be making poor choices, calling you names and they still do not deserve to be hit. Ever. Turn it around for a minute, think about how it would feel if someone was hitting you, slapping you, punching or pushing you. Can you really think of anything good about it? Would it make you want to do better? Would it make you trust that person? Would you want to talk to them? That’s how your child feels. It only instills a lack of trust, fear, hurt and sadness. It shuts them down. It can only make an already difficult situation even worse. There is no good that comes from hitting anyone, especially your child. So really…even if your teen is acting out and difficult to handle, if you are using physical abuse to try to control the situation, whose got the real problem? In case you can’t figure it out…it’s you. So go get some help so you can be a better parent and learn better ways to communicate with your teen and how best to handle challenging situations. It’s never too late to try. A real heartfelt effort starts with acknowledging your role in the relationship with your teen and admitting your mistakes. This can go a long way in repairing the relationship, as a start. Teens are just starting to see that their parents are real people, with faults. So admit you have been handling things all wrong and will seek help to be a better parent. Of course if the abuse is reported, as it should be, Child Protective Services may end up getting involved. If you don’t want to lose your child, in more ways than one, get help now. If you know of someone abusing a child/teen, please report it immediately. No one deserves to be hit. Ever. All of the above pertains to verbal abuse as well. There is absolutely no good that can come out of calling your child names or putting them down in any way. Sometimes you may not think what you say is verbal abuse or that it hurts, but once again turn it around and ask yourself if you would like it if someone said the same thing to you. The abuser, physical or verbal, is the one with the problem. So please stop. Get serious professional help.
Texting and Sleeping
Dear Teen and Parent,
Those two words really don’t go together. How could you possibly get a good night’s sleep if you are focused on responding to the constant ding of your phone? I recently read and article that laid out some very real statistics. It looks like over sixty per cent of teens are not getting enough sleep because of late night texting or phone use. Twenty to twenty-five per cent are awakened from sleep to respond to a text. Really not too surprising. But aren’t teens already sleep deprived? Do they really need this constant distraction? Up to seventy per cent of teens get less than eight hours of sleep a night, usually five or six! Not only can a lack of sleep get in the way of learning it also can effect brain development and growth, not to mention overall health and well-being. Why is it so hard to turn off the phone during sleep time? Has it become an addiction of sorts or a really bad habit? That’s crazy because you have complete control over this problem!! Give it try for a couple of weeks. Turn off your phone and see if you get more sleep and better sleep. See if the lack of distractions while sleeping help you feel better the next day. It seems worth a try. My guess is that if you can turn off your phone you will feel more relaxed and rested the next day. I think it might take a few days to fall back into a healthy sleep pattern so give it some time to work.
Parents, if they cannot turn off their phone at night and control this on their own, I strongly advise you help them do it. Take the phone at bedtime and give it back in the morning. It’s easy and it will help your teen to develop healthier habits regarding their sleep.