Category: For Teens

Grateful for What?

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

In your world, you are super self-focused, as it should be. But do you ever stop and wonder if you could do better or be better? You know, like “be your best self” stuff? It really has to do with gratitude for the things you have. You can be grateful for big and little things. It’s easy to get into a poor me attitude when it looks like so many others have it so much easier than you. You might see others as prettier/better looking, smarter, stronger, more popular with peers, easier family life, more money, etc. than you. Maybe you have it pretty easy in most areas but just can’t get past the thought that things could be better. Put a focus on being grateful for what you do have. Sometimes it’s as simple as “I have a brain that works”, or “I have all my body parts and they all work just fine.” Maybe sometimes you think everyone else has it better than you. Find the things you can be grateful for in your life without comparing yourself to others. There will always be others who seem to have it better or easier than you do, but how will that help you to focus on what others have? Put the focus on you and what you can change, or what you have control of. Maybe you only have one parent but that one parent is really great and supports you in every way. Maybe your family is kind of messed up but you have great friends and you always have YOU. What can you be grateful for? Try making a list and think both big and small. Are there things you can put more focus on to improve your life? It’s OK if your list is short or there is only one thing you can think of. It’s a start. Keep the list around so you can continue to think about it and return to it if you are feeling down or add to it as you get new ideas. A gratitude list, or journal, can be very useful when getting to know yourself. It can certainly put hard times in perspective. Almost everyone has things they can be grateful for every day. Most of the time when I think about what I am grateful for in my own life just thinking about it puts a smile on my face and gives me renewed energy to move forward. That’s the whole intention. When we start comparing ourselves to others is where we get in trouble. I want you to compare yourself with you! That’s when you start to make a change and can truly be your best self.

Make a Difference in YOUR World

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

Just the other day I had some teens make a comment about how they wish they could change the world. They didn’t think they could really do it. They felt that it was just too big an idea to think they could make a difference in the world and effect a change. We started thinking about how they could make a difference in THEIR own world. What does that mean? Take a look at your own world, the people you know, family, friends, community. How can you make a difference in YOUR world, YOUR own community? If everyone would strive to make a positive difference in their own community it just might change the world! Take a look at what you are interested in, like politics, government, education, people, art, business, sports, etc. Take that interest and let it help you find a way to make a difference in your world. Start small and build on the idea. Do you want to help the environment, do you care about people, children? Whatever your interest is, see how you can make a positive contribution or change in your world or community. If you care about what you are doing the chances are higher you will stay motivated to see a change happen and continue to be persistent. You can make a plan and follow it or start simple and see where it leads you. Know that you CAN make a difference in the world by your actions, commitments, careers,  and community involvement. You CAN change the world! Maybe just one person at a time.

If You Know Something….

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teens and Parents,

…Say Something! If you know something about someone that you know is scary, dangerous or unhealthy you absolutely have to say something. No question about it. There have been times where I have found out that several teens, and sometimes parents, have known that another teen has made a suicidal statement, has self-injured, is taking dangerous drugs or has been/ is currently being abused and never said a word! Are you afraid of being a snitch? Do you think it will hurt your relationship with that person? Probably so, otherwise why wouldn’t you seek help for that person? The sooner someone gets help and support the sooner they can heal. When stuff happens or is happening to a teen then it is up to the adults around them to help. I do think that part of the problem is that people in general just don’t know what to do, so they do nothing. If  that’s the situation, then seek out the advice and support of a trusted adult. I know I say this all the time, but that’s what it comes down to. If you don’t know what to do, and you know the situation is serious enough, ask for help. It is always worth the risk of that person getting angry with you, or saying they don’t trust you anymore. It is always worth doing the right thing, even though it might be really hard. I see this all the time, and teach teens I work with the right thing to do. It’s OK to tell, that is the best friend thing you could ever do. If someone told you, then they probably don’t know what to do and want help, they just don’t know what that might look like. So, it’s pretty simple. If you know something, or even see something, say something! There are plenty of trusted adults around. You just might save a life and you could undoubtedly change a life. Wouldn’t that be worth it?

Who Wants Some Money?

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Dear Teen and Parent,

For college, of course! Anytime I ask a group of teens if they need money for college, all hands go up. That need may vary but it’s obvious that most teens will need financial assistance whether it is loans, grants or scholarships. A loan will have to be paid back, usually 6 months after college graduation. Grants and scholarships are not paid back, they are both free money! But you have to apply and qualify. I like to keep it simple since there are many ways to find money. If you hear about an organization that will find you money for college but it costs money…don’t do it. They don’t have a secret stash of great scholarships or inside scoop on getting a loan. All the info you need is available to you, you just have to look. If you start with the following three simple steps it will certainly get you going.

1) FAFSA: Everybody needs to do a FAFSA. It’s the Free Application for Federal and State Aid. Without this, you cannot access state and federal loans, scholarships and grants. You may think you have enough money for college, but what if you need a loan? It’s better to do the application and be prepared for any need you may have. The cost of college can vary greatly. The loans through FAFSA usually have a much better interest rate and this is where you can get the subsidized loans if qualified. That means interest is not accruing as you go to school. So when you start your FAFSA (Fall of senior year of high school) be sure to read everything and every step. It’s not a difficult application but it helps to be accurate! It’s available October 1 and due by March 1. www.fafsa.ed.gov

2) Private Scholarships: Do a national scholarship search. Use an established website or program. Your high school may use a certain website or program so it’s best to check there first. There are quite a few databases for private scholarships, but I like fastweb.com. It’s one of the largest databases and you can use a filter to find the scholarships that best match you. You may get a list of hundreds so try to give as much information as possible for the best match. Go through the list and find the ones you feel are the best match for you. If they require an essay, write one! You might be able to use the same or a similar essay for multiple scholarships. And many teens will skip the ones requiring essays so you just might have a better chance!

3) Other Scholarships: By “other” scholarships I mean that your school might sponsor some local scholarships and you will want to check those out. At my school, we keep a list of the local scholarships that many of our kids apply to and get! Another “other” is checking with the colleges you are applying to. Many colleges will sponsor their own scholarships too, with specific deadlines. You can find this information by visiting the college’s financial aid website. Do that for each college you have applied to. Many private scholarship deadlines run throughout the school year. Most are available to high school seniors, but there are a few out there for other grades.

It takes a bit of research and work to find money, but think of it as a part-time job. What if you put ten hours into applying for financial aid and you end up getting a thousand dollars????!!! I think that’s pretty good pay! And you may even get more. The people who try and apply usually are the ones who get some money. Funny how that works. So make a commitment to try. Remember that financial aid can vary depending on your family income and even your grade point average. Some financial aid is need-based and some is academic. Some are both! It certainly won’t hurt to try and you definitely won’t get any assistance if you don’t apply. Be sure to check deadlines since these can also vary greatly. Good luck and happy money hunting!

Nothing Wrong With a Little Structure

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Painted Desert DawnDear Teen and Parent,

I get so many parents asking me for ideas on what to do to get their teen to get homework or studying done. My first response is…do they have structured time at home set aside to complete school work? What I mean is that when you come home from school, you take a short break, 30 to 60 minutes, then sit down and get to work for 30-60 minutes at a time. This can vary depending on your ability to stay focused. Then take another break, then get back to work. You create 30-60 minute time blocks where you are committed to doing your school work, whether it is regular homework, a project, or studying for a test. You need to figure it around your other commitments at home, like chores and dinner, etc. If you, the teen, set this up for yourself you have a higher chance of it working. Now you need to have a place set aside for you to do your work. It can be a desk in your room, in the family room, or any where away from other distractions. During your structured homework time you absolutely cannot have your phone anywhere near you and certainly not turned on. It is way too much of a distraction. In your break time you can check your phone. If you need to use a computer/internet to do your homework the commitment is not to start communicating with friends. If you need to ask someone something and need to text them, make sure it is always about school. Then get off. Most teens need at least an hour of homework time, so start there. If you find you need more, add some more time in. If the time you need varies from day to day, that’s OK too. Just take your time, don’t rush through it. If you find you have a little extra time left maybe you could be preparing for an upcoming test or getting ahead on a project. The key is commitment. Then when you find you are sticking to the structured plan and getting your work done be super proud of yourself!!! Try it. Maybe you can prove to your parents that you’ve got it handled. Then they just might stop bugging you about getting your homework done! Sounds like it’s worth a try!

What Do You Really Want to Be When You Grow Up?

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Rain Puddles
Dear Teen,
So I’ve been thinking. Is a 4 year college degree what YOU need to do your career? Oh, you don’t know what you want to do?? Let’s start there. Maybe if you knew what you wanted to do for a self-supporting career first then you could find out what it will take to get there. There’s an idea! So many more people are going in to college with no idea of what they want to do. Or maybe they know what they want to do and it doesn’t take a 4 year degree. But they go anyways. Their parents insist! If everybody goes to college who will fill those jobs that require technical skill training? Who will fill the jobs like plumbers, electricians, medical office support, etc. I think it could be the people with a college degree but no focus and no job. They just might get over-educated. Now I agree there is value in education for the sake of learning stuff. Absolutely. But when college costs are up do you really want to spend your money on something that might not lead to a self-supporting career? I’m not suggesting this applies to everyone, but it is certainly something to consider. Maybe think first about what you might want to do and then figure out what it will take to get there. You might be surprised to find out you really only need a 2 year degree, technical training, or a certificate program. There are so many options out there. And so many middle sector jobs that will need to be filled and may not require a 4 year degree. There are some good career exploration tools online. Start there to broaden your horizons. You may find some really cool and interesting careers out there that you never thought of! I know there are! Take into consideration what you are interested in and think about how you see your work day. Are you in an office? Working with people, animals, children? Providing a service or creating something? Do you like to be by yourself or work on a team? Are you good at fixing things? Making things? Helping people? The list could go on and on and on…….Find out who you are, what makes you happy and hone in on what you might like to do with your workday. Then figure out what it will take to get there. It’s not that hard. And it’s a whole lot easier than going through 4 years of college with no direction and ending up with a possibly large student debt and a job that does not match your education. Personally, I’d rather know what I’m spending my educational funds on with a goal in mind. So find a goal, figure out how to get there and go for it!

What Was I Thinking??

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,
I think every person has a “What was I thinking?” relationship story. I think as you go through practicing relationships you obviously might make mistakes and poor choices. A relationship that starts out so much fun and you are so in love (or like) that it seems like nothing could ever go wrong, sometimes does. Remember it takes time to get to know someone. So somewhere along the journey things start going wrong. Maybe they become possessive and controlling or they lie or cheat. Whatever it is you slowly start to lose your affection for the person, but in the meantime you keep putting up with a lot! You will know you are done with the relationship when you can say to yourself…”What was I thinking?” It’s OK to be done. It’s also Ok to keep caring about the person you shared a relationship with because at some point it was good and you shared lots of good times too. That doesn’t mean you have to be in a relationship with them, because when you are done you are done. So don’t get down on yourself, just accept that you moved through that relationship and hopefully learned some valuable things about yourself for the next one. If you can ask your “What was I thinking?”, then most likely you are done.
I was recently talking to a teen who has repeatedly taken back a cheating boyfriend, over and over again. She never felt good about it but kept giving him another chance. Finally, after a summer of letting him go, I asked her if she could now ask herself “What was I thinking?” And she soooo related to it! But she also learned to not give up so easily on the things she wants in a relationship like honesty and trust and expect more next time.

YOU Get to Define Who You Are

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,
So many of us have had tragic, traumatic or life-changing events in our lives. I have then seen so many teens be adversely effected by the event for years after it happened. They have expressed guilt, remorse, embarrassment, etc. When the fact of the matter is that when something happens to you or someone does something to you it does not have to define who you are. YOU get to define who you are. Learning to let go of a bad situation or coming to terms with something that someone did TO YOU can be very freeing. You also have the opportunity to grow tremendously. An example would be if you had been sexually or physically abused as a child and end up feeling like you just aren’t worth anything, your self-esteem has been damaged, and you find yourself making some really bad choices. You may even find yourself depressed and having a hard time managing life. Now I know that letting go, moving on, putting the past behind you is easier said than done and can take a lot of work and self-reflection, but it is worth it. Working with a therapist can also be a great help in getting a handle on your feelings. Keep in mind that YOU get to define who you are, never someone else. It can be very empowering to adopt this philosophy because it helps you get your power back. Don’t ever give up your power to be you to someone else. Once you take your power back, it can be a lot of fun finding your way through life. You can start developing who you are, what you like to do, what kinds of things you are interested in and what you want to do in the future. You will believe you deserve to have good people around you. Be hopeful and know you deserve to have a good life like anyone else. It’s your choice.

Are You Resourceful?

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

IMG_1080Dear Teen,

I wish I saw more teens being resourceful. It seems like it should be more common but it just isn’t. What do I really mean? I guess I’m talking about problem solving, finding answers and solutions on your own. It also means trusting yourself and believing in yourself enough to rely on your current knowledge and ability to figure it out. When I’m helping a teen I make it a practice not to give them the answer to a problem or tell them what to do. Instead, I help them figure out what they need to do by having them go step by step. Every time you figure something out on your own (maybe with some guidance) you build confidence in your ability to do so. You will start to see yourself as a very capable resource. What you don’t know, you can figure out. And it is always OK to ask for help! Just be ready to follow through on your own. You never want someone to do it for you. OK, you might want to have someone do it for you, but there is no growth in doing it that way. A resourceful teen will learn to trust your own ability and judgement, and that can go a long way when faced with life challenges both big and small. If you rely on someone else solving it for you or giving you the answers, what do you really learn? So trust yourself to try, and what you don’t know ask for some guidance. Then go out and do it yourself. Practice this and  you will feel your self-confidence grow stronger and stronger. And most important of all, be proud of yourself for working it through! You are on your way to being a resourceful teen!

Building Resilience: It’s Not Too Late

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

green leaf painting

Dear Teen,

I’ve been wondering lately why more teens are not more resilient. Maybe if you knew what it meant it might help, because I believe you can build resilience. Resilience means the ability to adapt well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or other significant sources of stress. This can include family issues, relationship problems, health problems or work or money issues. And many of these things can happen to us at any time throughout our lifetimes. For teens I feel it can be particularly difficult to manage because you are just beginning to get to know yourselves, who you are, what you believe is important, etc. By first being aware that you can be more resilient to life’s ups and downs is a start. Resiliency is definitely something that can be learned because it involves how you handle situations, your actions and responses, your thoughts and behaviors which are all things that can be changed, developed and managed. Here are some ideas on how to build resilience. These are just some ideas that I hope you can make your own. Read on….

Take Care of Yourself – The number one thing to do is to make sure you take care of you. Eat good food, get fresh air and some exercise, sleep enough and well, care for your body, mind and spirit, give yourself downtime to relax and de-stress. Make YOU your own best friend and treat yourself with love and care.

Set Goals – Make small and large, short and long-term goals. Then every time you reach one, be proud of yourself!! Set some goals that are very easily attainable and won’t take too much time like; getting all of your homework done before 9pm, making a good choice about food, or starting a project you have been putting off. Longer term goals can have mini-accomplishments along the way. The goal of setting goals is to do them and feel good about yourself and the accomplishment.

Build Relationships / Create Connections – Think about the people you choose to be around and make sure they are a positive influence on you, and you on them. You want your relationships to be real and honest, supportive and encouraging. You can continue your connections by possibly reaching into your local community by volunteering. Giving back can be great for your self-esteem and confidence and you just might meet more people who have the same interests and attitudes about life as you. Seek out the positive in all of your relationships and don’t be afraid to let drama, stress or toxic relationships go.

Build on the Positive – Make sure you can turn your focus to the positive side of things, even when times are tough. It’s a lot about the messages you tell yourself. If you tell yourself you will get through this and it will be OK, you have a higher chance of making that happen. If you accept that all kinds of things happen in life and you have the power and control to manage them, you can be OK. I’m not saying it will always be easy, but you can believe you can get through tough times.

Don’t Believe Everything People Tell You – Sometimes people say mean things or do mean things to us, that doesn’t mean you have to own it, or believe it. YOU get to decide how you feel about you. You do not have to let what someone else says or does to you define who you are. YOU get to decide that. Remember that. It’s huge when it come to building resiliency.

Learn From Your Past / Learn From Your Mistakes – It’s OK to make mistakes and poor choices, but you want to make sure you learn from them. If you did something that did not work out too well for you, make sure you don’t do it again! Think about the things that cause you the most stress…how can you avoid these in the future? Think about what you have learned about yourself along the way and accept this new knowledge so you can make better choices in the future. Choices that will lead you to feeling happy, not stressed or down.

Build Your Confidence – Anything you can do to build up your confidence in yourself will always be helpful in being a strong, resilient person. Focus on making good choices that build on who you are and want to be. Think about the qualities you admire and strive towards that. When you do something good, be proud of yourself! When you accomplish a goal, be proud of yourself! Believe you are a good person with a lot to offer the world and always work on being the best person you can be.

You can Get Through It – If you are going through a crisis, know that it will not be like this forever. You will get through it and feel good again. Try looking into the future and some of your long term goals, then take it a day at a time, a step at a time. Also be sure to get professional help if need it to navigate through a crisis.

These are some of the things that can start building your resilience. It takes time and perseverance. But the bottom line is that you can get through just about anything if you believe in yourself and your ability to do so. So build on you, give yourself credit for all the good you do and that is in your life, and know that you have the power and control to be happy and healthy.