Personal Issues – Page 2

What Exactly is Date Rape?

March 5, 2016March 5, 2016 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

What exactly is date rape? Also known as acquaintance rape. I can find many definitions out there but the basic description is when a rape, or sexual assault happens with someone you know. The laws will vary between states, too. I have seen this happen too many times to teen girls and they never feel it is something they can or should report. There can be so much shame, embarrassment and guilt for the girl. Sometimes the girl was dressed in a sexy revealing way, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or had flirted with the boy and because of that feels like it was her fault. You can be standing there naked and not deserve to be raped! You have the right to say no and refuse any unwanted advances. You can flirt, like the guy and still not deserve to be raped. YOU get to say when you are ready for sex of any kind. If you are under the influence of drugs or alcohol you may be considered unable to make a clear decision, therefore any unwanted sexual advances could put the boy at risk for a rape charge, even if you didn’t say no. The bottom line is don’t put yourself at risk. If you go to a party or gathering of any kind, don’t use drugs or alcohol. There are people out there who will give girls drugs and alcohol for free….hmmmm, I wonder why? It’s really not worth the risk. If you are on a date or have met someone new, communicate clearly what you do and do not want to do. If you don’t want to have sex and he doesn’t like you anymore because you won’t, let him go! He’s not worth it. Anyone who truly likes you for you will respect you and your wishes. If you find yourself in a scary situation, make yourself very difficult by yelling, shouting, screaming NO and HELP! Kick and be difficult. Then tell a trusted adult immediately. We don’t want this to happen to anyone else. And YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. If you are afraid to tell someone because you were using drugs or alcohol and don’t want to get in trouble, think about how you will feel knowing you were raped, and the guy is still out there. It is a trauma that needs to be addressed so you can work through the feelings. Everyone makes mistakes, you just want to make sure you get the chance to learn from them. Remember, YOU get to decide when you have sex and I hope it will be with someone you have mutual trust, respect and care for.

I know date/acquaintance rape can happen to boys too, but I have used girls as the example in this blog. All the same information applies to anyone, regard less of gender.

How’s That Working For You?

March 5, 2016August 14, 2016 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

So many times we just keep repeating the same mistakes or behaviors even if it doesn’t work for us. As parents, we often keep saying the same things over and over to our teen with the same lack of results. Like when we ask them if they did their homework everyday and they say yes but later on we find that the grades do not support this. But we keep asking if they did their homework and they say yes. Or we get caught up in asking why they didn’t do it with the same response every time of I don’t know. It becomes a vicious cycle. We get stuck. Well, if saying the same things over and over keep producing the same lack of results, stop saying that and try something new. You might have to ask yourself…how’s that working for me? If you answer that it is not, then that’s your invitation to try something else. Stopping and asking yourself if it’s working for you can help you realize that you need to try something else. So be aware of your actions, behaviors and words and see if you are getting the results you want. Then stop the cycle. Chances are you can find something that will work and while it usually involves a conversation with your teen that includes really listening to what they have to say, you may find that trying something new really works.

Dear Teen,

Here’s a possible scenario: You get up late every morning for school and now have a long attendance record that includes daily tardies to your first period class. So you get called into the office and get detention and can’t hang with your friends at lunch for a week! This is a good time to ask yourself if getting up late is working for you. Obviously it’s not. Here’s another possible scenario: You totally understand math and get high scores on the tests, but you never do the homework because you already know you’ll do well on the tests. So super smart you just got a D in the class because you got no credit for the missed homework. Good time to ask yourself…how’s that working for you?Sometimes we get stuck on habits that don’t really work for us in the long run. It might be working for you in the moment because you get to sleep longer, or don’t have to spend time doing the assigned homework. But in the long run you have to pay the consequences. So what you have been doing is clearly not working for you. Time to make a change. Think about how you can change the old habit to one that works for you. So often you will find that you can have it all. Youi can get to school on time, get your homework done and have time for friends and family and other interests. Don’t let yourself get stuck in habits and behaviors that aren’t really working for you. Remember that you actually have a lot of control over the things you do. So choose the things that will have a positive outcome for you.

For Boys Only

February 27, 2016February 27, 2016 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

There’s a lot I can say to boys but will focus on self-respect and respecting girls for now. I always say to girls that I want them to set their standards high so they can have the kind of relationships and friendships they want. But the same idea goes for boys. Setting your standards high means to think about what is important to you, like honesty, respect, humor, fun, similar interests, etc. Then seek out friendships and relationships that meet your standards. When it comes to girls, I see way too many boys that seem to think the end goal is sex. I get that sex is on your mind, but it should never be to the end goal. Respecting girls means to take the time to get to know them before becoming intimate. And always with the girl’s consent. Why would you think it’s OK to expect a girl to put out and do what you want because you say so? Think about how that makes you look. I know you and your friends may be joking around a lot about girls and sex, but when it comes down to it, do you really want to use a girl, be disrespectful to her, hurt her? I certainly hope not. If you are answering sure, who cares? Then you have a huge problem. And you could probably use the advice and support of a trusted adult. Grow up and be a man, because that is where you are heading. If you practice being the kind of man you want to be now, chances are you will make better choices. Think about how good it would feel to treat a girl with respect, communicate with her by listening and sharing and get her respect in return. It’s pretty cool when someone likes you for you, and you feel the same way back. I would hope you would be proud of yourself for being a good guy with a great reputation for treating girls right. It really is so much more fun and makes for a more rewarding relationship. If you have a great girl in your life your friends will be jealous! But do it for you, out of self-respect and maturity. I know you have it in you.

Whose Got the Real Problem?

February 13, 2016February 13, 2016 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

Get ready because this is all about…NOT hitting your kids. I come across this way too often in my line of work. It has become so obvious who has the real problem. Seriously, there really is nothing a child could do to deserve to be hit by a parent. They could have the worst attitude, be making poor choices, calling you names and they still do not deserve to be hit. Ever. Turn it around for a minute, think about how it would feel if someone was hitting you, slapping you, punching or pushing you. Can you really think of anything good about it? Would it make you want to do better? Would it make you trust that person? Would you want to talk to them? That’s how your child feels. It only instills a lack of trust, fear, hurt and sadness. It shuts them down. It can only make an already difficult situation even worse. There is no good that comes from hitting anyone, especially your child. So really…even if your teen is acting out and difficult to handle, if you are using physical abuse to try to control the situation, whose got the real problem? In case you can’t figure it out…it’s you. So go get some help so you can be a better parent and learn better ways to communicate with your teen and how best to handle challenging situations. It’s never too late to try. A real heartfelt effort starts with acknowledging your role in the relationship with your teen and admitting your mistakes. This can go a long way in repairing the relationship, as a start. Teens are just starting to see that their parents are real people, with faults. So admit you have been handling things all wrong and will seek help to be a better parent. Of course if the abuse is reported, as it should be, Child Protective Services may end up getting involved. If you don’t want to lose your child, in more ways than one, get help now. If you know of someone abusing a child/teen, please report it immediately. No one deserves to be hit. Ever. All of the above pertains to verbal abuse as well. There is absolutely no good that can come out of calling your child names or putting them down in any way. Sometimes you may not think what you say is verbal abuse or that it hurts, but once again turn it around and ask yourself if you would like it if someone said the same thing to you. The abuser, physical or verbal, is the one with the problem. So please stop. Get serious professional help.

What Makes Anyone Think Sexting is a Good Idea?

January 10, 2016January 10, 2016 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

Recently I did a poll of teens at my school to see how many had been involved, or knew someone involved, in sexting. It was an overwhelming 60% of teens had been involved in sexting. Sixty per cent. Six out of every ten teens. Now this was at my school and maybe your school might be higher or lower, but it seemed like a solid average number. And it is shocking! What would make anyone think that sexting is a good idea? I’m married and wouldn’t send risky pictures of myself to my own husband, who I trust completely! You just never know what can happen to pictures sent out in the internet world. You may think you are safe because you deleted the pictures or put them in a “vault”, but that’s no guarantee. You may also think you trust the person you are sending pictures to, but we are talking teen relationships and very rarely do they last and you also don’t always stay friends that you can trust. I’m also sorry to say that there are a lot of crazy people out there looking for risky pictures of teens, or children. It’s called pornography. So if you think about it, is it worth the risk? I have seen too many teens send pictures of themselves to someone that end up being something lots of other people see. Boys seem to have a tendency to “share” these pictures with other boys. “Look what this girl sent!” “Check out my girlfriend!” You get the idea.

Girls… NEVER take this risk, it just isn’t worth the possible embarrassment and humiliation. Please know that if a guy asks you to send him a risky picture you can say no. If he gives you a hard time for not doing it he’s not the guy for you. You deserve better. Remember it’s about respect and if you say no to anything, that needs to be respected. Think for a minute how it would feel to have a compromising picture of yourself viewed by a lot of people. There’s nothing about it that would feel good. Nothing.

Boys…NEVER think that getting a girl to send you a risky picture, even a girlfriend, is a good idea. Do you really need a picture to have a good relationship? No you do not. So be respectful of girls and don’t even ask for a picture. Also, do not send one of yourself! It goes the other way too. You never know what will happen to that picture and who might get a hold of it. It’s not worth the risk. Super important: If you ever think about getting a risky picture and then giving it, sending it or selling it to someone else you are risking child pornography. Seriously. Very seriously. So don’t EVER do it.

Teens…Try having a relationship or friendship that’s real. Live. Real conversations. Look into each other’s eyes and faces when you talk. Being with each other. Doing things together. Trusting and respecting each other. It’s much healthier and way less risky. Do you really need to send risky pictures to keep a relationship or friendship? I certainly hope not because that would not be a healthy relationship/friendship. Let’s get that 60% down to zero.

Sexting: To send someone, or receive, a sexually explicit, suggestive or provocative photograph, image or message via cell phone.

Honoring Your Emotions

November 14, 2015November 14, 2015 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

Rarely are we taught about our emotions and feelings. We’re familiar with mad, sad, happy….but sometimes you might not be sure what you are feeling. You just know you are feeling something out of the ordinary. It is always helpful to identify your emotions so you know where it’s coming from and what to do about it. Then when you know how and what you are feeling you can stop a moment and honor those emotions. What I mean by that is that all emotions are valid. If you are caught in a moment and are trying hard not to cry, you may just need to find a safe place and let it go! You may have to say to yourself, “Yes, I am very bummed out right now,” and cry or let yourself feel sad. If we don’t slow down enough to honor our feelings it means we are shutting them down/holding them inside. And that is not healthy. All emotions/feelings are valid, so that goes for your friends and family too. If you are angry about what someone else has done, you may need some time to process your feelings (think about it) so you don’t just react to the emotion and situation. Sometimes that can cause a negative situation. But it doesn’t mean you can’t be angry. I think if we were all taught early on about handling our emotions and feelings we would just get along a lot better. We might not have as much stress or anxiety about life. We might be able to talk about how we are feeling in an honest way. So next time you are feeling something, stop and give it a moment of your time to honor those feelings. Take a deep breath and ask yourself why you are feeling this right now. Be honest with yourself. Then let yourself cry, laugh, be frustrated, angry, disappointed, embarrassed, guilty or hurt. You have the opportunity to grow immensely in knowing yourself. Just make sure you can get yourself back to happy and healthy because that’s the goal.

AFRAID-TERRIFIED-LONELY-INSPIRED-LUCKY-THANKFUL-OPTIMISTIC-ENCOURAGED-INTRIGUED-REBELLIOUS-DISCOURAGED-SKEPTICAL-DISTRESSED-CALM-ASHAMED-GUILTY-CONFUSED-HOPEFUL

There’s Always a Reason

November 11, 2015November 12, 2015 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent:

There’s always a reason behind failing grades, poor behavior, unhappiness., etc. So if you look at a situation and ask yourself what the reason might be you just might be able to solve the problem or at least become more aware of what is happening. For example, if things seem to be changing for your teen: low grades, stress, anxiety, depression, lack of good friendships/relationships, doesn’t like school, not getting along with parents, etc. you want to look at the total environment and what might be contributing. Have things changed at home: divorce, parents fighting, older sibling left house or is a better student than younger sibling? Have things changed in their world like friendships, more difficult classes, more activities and responsibilities, college pressure? Maybe they are feeling out of sorts because something has suddenly shown up like depression or anxiety. You need to realistically and responsibly assess the situation. What I mean is that you need to be honest about the contributors and what you might be responsible for causing and what they might be responsible for. Be calm and open to a conversation with your teen and don’t necessarily expect them to know what is causing the situation. They really might not know. Your goal is to make sure your teen is happy, safe and productive. This will require their input and real conversation. If your teen says I’m just not motivated…don’t buy it. Lack of motivation is a symptom of the problem. Instead, tell yourself there is always a reason. Let your teen know that you know there is a reason and that you are going to help them find out what it is. In working with teens and families it usually doesn’t take me long to find the reason, because I know there is something behind the behavior. If you need some help in figuring things out seek out the support of a therapist. I almost always suggest family therapy because most often the entire family dynamic is a contributing factor. And remember…there is always a reason.

For Girls Only

November 1, 2015November 1, 2015 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

Respect yourself. Set your personal bar high…and higher each time you practice a relationship or make a mistake. You don’t have to do anything a person wants to get them to like you. If you do and you are not ready, most likely you won’t like the result. I want all girls to set their standards high. This means to think about what is important to you in a relationship and don’t settle for less. If you want the person to be respectful, listen, be open-minded, let you still see your friends, takes no for an answer, etc. then if you settle for nothing less, you will get what you want. Let’s see…what else could be on the list of high standards; likes you for you and doesn’t try to change you, appreciates your interests and hobbies, trustworthy and honest, etc. You get the idea. Now make your own list of what is important to you. Also, if you are not ready for sexual activity, you can say no! If the other person puts you down in any way because you are not ready, then they are not the right person for you. If you set your self-standards high you will meet someone who meets those standards. As long as they are realistic! But that’s the point. Be patient and hold to your standards. Someone will come along and respect you for wanting more for yourself. You need to be your own best friend first. Put yourself at the top of the list of important things. I know it can be hard, especially for girls, to put themselves first. It does not mean you are selfish, it means you care about yourself. Other people come and go, but you will always have YOU. If you can practice doing this you may find yourself happier and calmer about the choices you make. You will also be a better friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, etc. Take care of you first: good sleep, good food, exercise/fresh air…and personal standards. You will find that you are happier with yourself and will probably make fewer mistakes. Believe you are worthy of a great relationship with others and yourself, we all are. But it’s up to you to make it happen. Nobody will do it for you and if you do it yourself you will feel really good about YOU! Maybe you will even feel really proud of yourself!

How to Jumpstart Your Therapy

September 20, 2015September 20, 2015 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen and Parent,

Some people hesitate working with a therapist. It can feel like a HUGE project and process that may never end! In reality, committing to working on yourself and/or your issues can actually make life easier in the long run. Wouldn’t it be great to start therapy a few sessions ahead? I believe if you go in completely open to the process with a goal of your own you can actually lessen the number of sessions needed. Many people start therapy waiting for whatever the therapist tells or asks them. They take a passive role. If you try taking a proactive role in your own therapy, you may get further faster! Here’s what I mean. What is the reason or need for therapy? See if you can clearly define what YOU need, what would be YOUR goal? When therapy is over, what would you have wanted to accomplish? Here’s an example. Say you are depressed and anxious. Your reason for therapy is to feel better, not so down and no more anxiety attacks. Your goal might be to commit to every therapy session and find new ways to manage your feelings and the depression and anxiety. You want to lessen your stressors, too. In the end, you hope to accomplish knowing yourself and your needs better in a way that you can independently manage your life in a positive way. So to do that, for your first meeting with your therapist, you need to lay it all out. Be open and share your reasons, goals and hopeful outcomes. Be open and share how you really feel and what triggers your feelings and reactions. If you have had any kind of trauma or event in your life that has had a negative outcome for you, share that too! That’s what I mean about being proactive. It can take a few weeks for a therapist to get to know you and what you need, but if you go in with a plan and your own agenda, you may find working with the therapist a really positive experience for you. As a teen, it is the perfect plan to help you feel more in control of your own life. Maybe your parents will see that you are taking it seriously and truly want to make changes. In the end, don’t you really just want to be the best person you can be? More in control of your own life and the choices and decisions you will be making? Of course you do! So give it a try, you may learn some new things about yourself that you had never thought of before and not have to be in therapy forever!