Category: Personal Issues

Dear Teen,

In your world, you are super self-focused, as it should be. But do you ever stop and wonder if you could do better or be better? You know, like “be your best self” stuff? It really has to do with gratitude for the things you have. You can be grateful for big and little things. It’s easy to get into a poor me attitude when it looks like so many others have it so much easier than you. You might see others as prettier/better looking, smarter, stronger, more popular with peers, easier family life, more money, etc. than you. Maybe you have it pretty easy in most areas but just can’t get past the thought that things could be better. Put a focus on being grateful for what you do have. Sometimes it’s as simple as “I have a brain that works”, or “I have all my body parts and they all work just fine.” Maybe sometimes you think everyone else has it better than you. Find the things you can be grateful for in your life without comparing yourself to others. There will always be others who seem to have it better or easier than you do, but how will that help you to focus on what others have? Put the focus on you and what you can change, or what you have control of. Maybe you only have one parent but that one parent is really great and supports you in every way. Maybe your family is kind of messed up but you have great friends and you always have YOU. What can you be grateful for? Try making a list and think both big and small. Are there things you can put more focus on to improve your life? It’s OK if your list is short or there is only one thing you can think of. It’s a start. Keep the list around so you can continue to think about it and return to it if you are feeling down or add to it as you get new ideas. A gratitude list, or journal, can be very useful when getting to know yourself. It can certainly put hard times in perspective. Almost everyone has things they can be grateful for every day. Most of the time when I think about what I am grateful for in my own life just thinking about it puts a smile on my face and gives me renewed energy to move forward. That’s the whole intention. When we start comparing ourselves to others is where we get in trouble. I want you to compare yourself with you! That’s when you start to make a change and can truly be your best self.

Dear Teen,

Just the other day I had some teens make a comment about how they wish they could change the world. They didn’t think they could really do it. They felt that it was just too big an idea to think they could make a difference in the world and effect a change. We started thinking about how they could make a difference in THEIR own world. What does that mean? Take a look at your own world, the people you know, family, friends, community. How can you make a difference in YOUR world, YOUR own community? If everyone would strive to make a positive difference in their own community it just might change the world! Take a look at what you are interested in, like politics, government, education, people, art, business, sports, etc. Take that interest and let it help you find a way to make a difference in your world. Start small and build on the idea. Do you want to help the environment, do you care about people, children? Whatever your interest is, see how you can make a positive contribution or change in your world or community. If you care about what you are doing the chances are higher you will stay motivated to see a change happen and continue to be persistent. You can make a plan and follow it or start simple and see where it leads you. Know that you CAN make a difference in the world by your actions, commitments, careers,  and community involvement. You CAN change the world! Maybe just one person at a time.

Dear Teen,
So many of us have had tragic, traumatic or life-changing events in our lives. I have then seen so many teens be adversely effected by the event for years after it happened. They have expressed guilt, remorse, embarrassment, etc. When the fact of the matter is that when something happens to you or someone does something to you it does not have to define who you are. YOU get to define who you are. Learning to let go of a bad situation or coming to terms with something that someone did TO YOU can be very freeing. You also have the opportunity to grow tremendously. An example would be if you had been sexually or physically abused as a child and end up feeling like you just aren’t worth anything, your self-esteem has been damaged, and you find yourself making some really bad choices. You may even find yourself depressed and having a hard time managing life. Now I know that letting go, moving on, putting the past behind you is easier said than done and can take a lot of work and self-reflection, but it is worth it. Working with a therapist can also be a great help in getting a handle on your feelings. Keep in mind that YOU get to define who you are, never someone else. It can be very empowering to adopt this philosophy because it helps you get your power back. Don’t ever give up your power to be you to someone else. Once you take your power back, it can be a lot of fun finding your way through life. You can start developing who you are, what you like to do, what kinds of things you are interested in and what you want to do in the future. You will believe you deserve to have good people around you. Be hopeful and know you deserve to have a good life like anyone else. It’s your choice.

Dear Teen,

I wish I saw more teens being resourceful. It seems like it should be more common but it just isn’t. What do I really mean? I guess I’m talking about problem solving, finding answers and solutions on your own. It also means trusting yourself and believing in yourself enough to rely on your current knowledge and ability to figure it out. When I’m helping a teen I make it a practice not to give them the answer to a problem or tell them what to do. Instead, I help them figure out what they need to do by having them go step by step. Every time you figure something out on your own (maybe with some guidance) you build confidence in your ability to do so. You will start to see yourself as a very capable resource. What you don’t know, you can figure out. And it is always OK to ask for help! Just be ready to follow through on your own. You never want someone to do it for you. OK, you might want to have someone do it for you, but there is no growth in doing it that way. A resourceful teen will learn to trust your own ability and judgement, and that can go a long way when faced with life challenges both big and small. If you rely on someone else solving it for you or giving you the answers, what do you really learn? So trust yourself to try, and what you don’t know ask for some guidance. Then go out and do it yourself. Practice this and  you will feel your self-confidence grow stronger and stronger. And most important of all, be proud of yourself for working it through! You are on your way to being a resourceful teen!

Dear Teen,

I’ve been wondering lately why more teens are not more resilient. Maybe if you knew what it meant it might help, because I believe you can build resilience. Resilience means the ability to adapt well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or other significant sources of stress. This can include family issues, relationship problems, health problems or work or money issues. And many of these things can happen to us at any time throughout our lifetimes. For teens I feel it can be particularly difficult to manage because you are just beginning to get to know yourselves, who you are, what you believe is important, etc. By first being aware that you can be more resilient to life’s ups and downs is a start. Resiliency is definitely something that can be learned because it involves how you handle situations, your actions and responses, your thoughts and behaviors which are all things that can be changed, developed and managed. Here are some ideas on how to build resilience. These are just some ideas that I hope you can make your own. Read on….

Take Care of Yourself – The number one thing to do is to make sure you take care of you. Eat good food, get fresh air and some exercise, sleep enough and well, care for your body, mind and spirit, give yourself downtime to relax and de-stress. Make YOU your own best friend and treat yourself with love and care.

Set Goals – Make small and large, short and long-term goals. Then every time you reach one, be proud of yourself!! Set some goals that are very easily attainable and won’t take too much time like; getting all of your homework done before 9pm, making a good choice about food, or starting a project you have been putting off. Longer term goals can have mini-accomplishments along the way. The goal of setting goals is to do them and feel good about yourself and the accomplishment.

Build Relationships / Create Connections – Think about the people you choose to be around and make sure they are a positive influence on you, and you on them. You want your relationships to be real and honest, supportive and encouraging. You can continue your connections by possibly reaching into your local community by volunteering. Giving back can be great for your self-esteem and confidence and you just might meet more people who have the same interests and attitudes about life as you. Seek out the positive in all of your relationships and don’t be afraid to let drama, stress or toxic relationships go.

Build on the Positive – Make sure you can turn your focus to the positive side of things, even when times are tough. It’s a lot about the messages you tell yourself. If you tell yourself you will get through this and it will be OK, you have a higher chance of making that happen. If you accept that all kinds of things happen in life and you have the power and control to manage them, you can be OK. I’m not saying it will always be easy, but you can believe you can get through tough times.

Don’t Believe Everything People Tell You – Sometimes people say mean things or do mean things to us, that doesn’t mean you have to own it, or believe it. YOU get to decide how you feel about you. You do not have to let what someone else says or does to you define who you are. YOU get to decide that. Remember that. It’s huge when it come to building resiliency.

Learn From Your Past / Learn From Your Mistakes – It’s OK to make mistakes and poor choices, but you want to make sure you learn from them. If you did something that did not work out too well for you, make sure you don’t do it again! Think about the things that cause you the most stress…how can you avoid these in the future? Think about what you have learned about yourself along the way and accept this new knowledge so you can make better choices in the future. Choices that will lead you to feeling happy, not stressed or down.

Build Your Confidence – Anything you can do to build up your confidence in yourself will always be helpful in being a strong, resilient person. Focus on making good choices that build on who you are and want to be. Think about the qualities you admire and strive towards that. When you do something good, be proud of yourself! When you accomplish a goal, be proud of yourself! Believe you are a good person with a lot to offer the world and always work on being the best person you can be.

You can Get Through It – If you are going through a crisis, know that it will not be like this forever. You will get through it and feel good again. Try looking into the future and some of your long term goals, then take it a day at a time, a step at a time. Also be sure to get professional help if need it to navigate through a crisis.

These are some of the things that can start building your resilience. It takes time and perseverance. But the bottom line is that you can get through just about anything if you believe in yourself and your ability to do so. So build on you, give yourself credit for all the good you do and that is in your life, and know that you have the power and control to be happy and healthy.

 

 

Dear Teen,

I find it helpful to divide the things going on in your life into two broad categories: the things you CAN control and the things you CANNOT. We often fight against the things we have no control over. As an example, say you have a parent who drinks too much and you hate it. You have tried and tried to get them to stop. You’ve told them it scares you and you never know what to expect, but the drinking continues. Your parent assures you they will stop, but they don’t. So no matter what you say or do nothing changes. Try this: put your focus on what you DO have control over. Like going to school and doing all of your classwork and homework. You can put your focus on doing the best you can in school. You also have control over your actions and decisions. I know your parents still have some say but it is ultimately your choice on how you respond to everything going on around you. You get to choose your friends and your relationships, hopefully choosing people who support and accept you for who you are and that you choose healthy relationships.  You get to choose whether you do risky behaviors like anything breaking the law (shoplifting, etc.) or drinking or using drugs. You get to choose how you treat others, like respectfully, kindly and with compassion. You can choose to hold down a job and earn some of your own money. So while so much may feel out of your control there is still so much that is well within your complete control. Shift your focus to YOU, not what others are doing. It can be very empowering to take the control back with a focus on all the positive things you can do for YOU.