For Parents – Page 3 – Teen Waterfall

Finding Something Positive in a Painful Situation

September 6, 2015September 6, 2015 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen and Parent,

Death of a loved one, be it a family member or friend, can leave you in a world of grief. It’s a process you will have to go through in your own way and in your own time. You cannot bring them back, or change what has happened. So what can you do? As you travel along the grief process path, if you can allow yourself to reflect on what that person has meant to you, and how they have impacted your life, you may be able to find something positive in the loss. What I mean is…think about how that person positively impacted your life. Maybe by always being there for you, making you laugh, loving you, supporting you in a crisis, being a great listener, someone fun to hang with, being a great friend, or someone you looked up to. Take that memory and quality about that person and think about how you can apply it to your own life. How can what that person gave you make you a better person? How can you be more like them or have more of that quality that meant so much to you? By becoming a better person, because of what they gave you, you are honoring that person’s life. Anytime we can be better people we will be affecting the world around us in a positive way. So let yourself reflect on the memories you are left with, laugh about the good times and funny moments, and let yourself take on a new view of who you are and who you can become by having been touched by the person you lost. What a great honor.

I’m So Stressed Out!

August 30, 2015August 30, 2015 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teens and Parents,

I feel there has been an increase in teens with anxiety and panic attacks. I started thinking about why this is happening. Why would there be an increase? I came to two main reasons I see as contributors; the pressure to get into a “good college” and overuse of technology. I hear people say it is getting harder and harder to get into college and I see parents and adults putting pressure on teens to be and do everything they can to be the best college candidate possible. Because it is so hard to get into college!!! OK, that stresses me out and I’ve already been to college. Part of the reason I believe the pressure has increased is because of this kind of message. College isn’t really harder to get into because college has gotten harder to do, it’s because there are more people going to college now and there are not more colleges. This makes getting in more competitive and forces the college entrance requirement averages to go up. So teens and parents researching colleges see that it takes a higher GPA and test scores to get into a college than in past years. Then they think you better do more if you want to go to a good college. Maybe you better do everything! High GPA, high test scores, community service, sports, clubs, etc. As the pressure grows, the stress increases and anxiety may set in. Teens need to focus on doing the best they can. If you know that you have done the best you can and gave all of your activities, obligations, homework your best effort then GOOD JOB! Be proud of yourself and keep doing it! Consistency will pay off. Also, you don’t have to do everything. Find the things that are most important to you, that expand on your interests and then enjoy the experience. If you find your stress increasing, re-prioritize. What do you really need to focus on and what can you let go of? It is so important to maintain a healthy balanced life which includes managing your day. Know when you have reached your limit and re-assess. Everyone has a limit in how much they can handle. So give yourself a break and make sure you are doing what works for you. There is a college for everyone! (See previous blog Who Cares What Colleges Want!)

Now, the other reason I feel is a contributor to the increase in stress and anxiety is that there is too much attachment to technology, social media, texting and smart phones in general. If all day long you are checking your phone to see what’s happening and checking the constant texts and messages then you are constantly being distracted from doing what you need to be doing: like paying attention in class and homework. Everyone needs a little down time and the constant barrage is getting in the way. Try not texting or using your phone in any way for 1 week and see if you don’t feel more relaxed! If you are suffering from stress and anxiety…try being tech free for 1 week and see if it makes a difference. Then re-assess if it’s worth the stress it has caused you. You have complete control over letting technology affect you in a negative way. Isn’t nice to know you have complete control over something?? (See previous blog Please Put Down Your Phone!)

Who Cares What Colleges Want!

August 22, 2015August 23, 2015 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen (and parents),

Really, you should care more about what YOU want. Instead of thinking about doing things because you think that’s what colleges want to see, think about doing things that help you explore who you are and build on your interests. Now that’s a thought! I hear so many people say things like “What should I be doing for college?” or “What are colleges looking for?” While those are very good and appropriate questions, many people seem to think that means they need to do everything so they are a good candidate for college. When the reality is that if you explore things you are interested in and try new things to see what you are good at and what you like…you just might become a great college candidate! Of course you have to get good grades, take challenging courses, and do the best you can on the ACTs and/or SATs. But to add to that, it will be about letting colleges see who you are. They do that by looking at your activities, interests and experiences. So do things that you are interested knowing more about or things that are fun for you! Build on those interests. Seek out new experiences. Don’t be afraid to try something new and see if you like it. That’s how you get to know yourself. All of this will help you decide a direction for your future and that’s what colleges want to see. So having the most community service hours may not be the things that get you in…it may be that you can paint a fairly clear picture of who you are and that a college education is the next step in getting you where YOU want to go! So, yes we really do care about what colleges want…but we care MORE about you being YOU in the process.

Safe Healthy Happy

August 16, 2015August 16, 2015 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

These three words are the context in which I work as a school counselor. If teens aren’t safe, healthy and happy (at least happy enough) when they come to school they will not be ready to learn. As parents, you can use these three words as a guideline when dealing and communicating with your teen. You can ask yourself is your teen safe? Are they making safe choices? Do I do all I can to keep them safe? Then you ask is my teen healthy? Are they healthy physically, mentally, socially, emotionally? Are they making healthy choices in all areas of their lives? And then is my teen happy? Are they engaged in learning, want to come to school, have supportive caring friends? Do they enjoy family time and extra activities like clubs, sports and community involvement? Do they communicate with you in a positive way, without attitude? If the answers to these questions is yes then you are on the right path. And if you have to address a serious or important concern with your teen you can always tell them it’s your job to make sure they are safe, healthy and happy. It puts a realistic spin on the conversation and is a way for your teen to see where you are coming from. If you answered no, maybe, or I’m not sure to any of the questions you need to start making a true evaluation of what is going on with your teen and maybe even yourself. Just think about it. If your focus is on keeping them safe, healthy and happy the conversations are easy! Don’t be afraid to ask them if they think they are safe, healthy and happy. This is where the real conversation begins and change can happen. It’s all about supporting your teen through these sometimes rough years, and being the best parent you can be! Be patient and try to really listen without reacting emotionally or negatively. I know you want to keep the lines of communication open, so have these conversations in a calm respectful way. Your teen will appreciate it and probably be willing to say more!

Do What You Say

August 9, 2015August 17, 2015 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

Parents…do what you say. If you say you are going to send them away to a residential treatment facility if they use drugs one more time you better be ready to do it. Otherwise, your teen will learn very quickly that you do not do what you say. They will continue their behaviors because they know you will cave and not follow through. It happens all the time. If you say you will take away the car if they text and drive you better be ready to do it. If you have not been doing what you say, you can still start now. It’s never too late as long as they are living with you. All it takes is a little owning up to not following through in the past but committing to it now. What I mean by that is, tell your teen you have blown it by making threats you haven’t followed through on in the past. Let them know those days are over and be clear and united (both parents if possible) that you will most definitely follow through this time. Then make the consequence to the action clear. Example: If you smoke pot again, we will send you to a treatment facility. Also if this is your particular situation, tell them they can use this to help them say no. “My parents say they will send me away if I use again and they mean it!” So think about what you “threaten” your kids with and make sure it is well thought out, not an emotional reaction in the moment. Be ready, research, prepare, talk it over. And be sure to let your teen know the new plan of action!

Stuck in the Middle

August 4, 2015August 17, 2015 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

Co-parenting. What a concept. People get married, have kids, get divorced. What about the kids? I see teens in the middle of their parents drama all the time. I know this does not apply to all divorced parents because I have met some that are doing an excellent job of co-parenting! Since I know it is possible, I just don’t get why two parents can’t get along well enough to be effective enough parents even after divorce. It seems like one parent is always blaming the other parent instead of putting the kids first. Parents who fight and argue in front of their children are making a big mistake. Your children should never be involved in your adult issues! Once you involve them, they often start thinking that some of this is their fault, especially when you are fighting about them! So come on now. Can’t you just get along well enough for your kids? Hold your tongue if needed and be mature about being a parent. If you can’t, please get some help in being able to communicate with your ex. Communication is the key. You both decided to have kids together, now parent together! No matter what! OK, maybe if one of you has a mental or psychological issue it could make co-parenting more difficult. If this is the case, maybe you should defer to the recommendations of your doctor and/or therapist. But you can still co-parent! I have never seen any good come from one parent bad-mouthing the other, especially in front of their children. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything! Literally. Just let it go, for the kid’s sake. Be the adult, be the parent. Please learn to co-parent. It will set an excellent example of how a relationship can work, even if you choose to not be married anymore. And your kids need as many good examples and strong role models as they can get. You, as parents, should be their ultimate role models!

What Do I Do Now?

August 3, 2015August 17, 2015 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

So your teen is struggling, maybe making poor choices, can’t get motivated, seems unhappy, experimenting with drugs or alcohol, is very anxious, not doing well in school, no friends. You want to help but aren’t sure what to do, especially if your teen is not telling you much. I’ve noticed time and again that parents will ask “What’s wrong?”, or “What’s going on?” and the answer is “I don’t know.” The reason this is the answer is because THEY DON’T KNOW! Literally. So it doesn’t help to just keep asking. They just don’t know what’s wrong or how to best communicate what they are feeling or going through. You need to get some help, meaning working with a doctor and therapist. (Check out my blog Do WE Need a Therapist?) Of course it may not be that easy to find the right person but you have to start somewhere. I always suggest starting with your medical doctor. A physical exam might also be a good place to start to rule out any physical contributors and to determine the next level of care. Some teens may be referred to inpatient, outpatient or hospitalization to initially address the problem. No matter what the next step is you can get a referral to a program or therapist from your doctor. When referred by your doctor, often times that program or therapist will be on your insurance plan, too. The point is to get to the professionals who can help and go from there. I also believe finding the right fit is very important. You want your teen to feel comfortable with the therapist and willing to open up. It’s more important for your teen to like and respect the therapist than for you to. I highly suggest you as parents go too. Remember, this is not their problem, but a member of the family having a problem so everyone involved should be involved in the solution. So no matter what the issue: depression, self-harming, eating issues, start with your medical doctor. If you don’t have insurance check your local resources, there are many free services. A school counselor might also be able to steer you in the right direction and let you know what is available in your area. Many schools provide services like peer support programs, support groups and individual counseling through the school counselors. I know I make these recommendations all the time. I also provide all of those school supports, too. So there is help out there, don’t be afraid to ask!

Listen…

July 4, 2015August 9, 2015 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

Really, just stop and listen. That is one of the top things kids tell me that they want from their parents. They want them to listen. Not talk, tell, argue, preach, question. Just listen. Calmly and with an open mind. So many teens feel shut down by being accused or judged. Wouldn’t you? It’s really hard for many teens to talk to any adults, let alone their parents, about anything. If you want to establish trust and openness with your teen, stop talking and listen. If they tell you something alarming, try not to overreact. Listen. Offer to discuss options in handling the information. Make decisions together, even if it requires consequences for negative behavior. Keep your voice calm and don’t react quickly. Take time to think things through before reacting. When I hear something alarming, my first comment is usually “OK…” I want them to keep talking! I want them to see that I am listening and reacting is a calm supportive way. If they see that you react to what they are telling you in a positive way, they just might feel comfortable enough to talk to you even more! And to come to you when they have a problem or situation that they need help with. Don’t you want to be the person they turn to? Of course you do. So keep the lines to communication open by being calm, attentive and the best listener ever!

Do WE Need a Therapist?

June 30, 2015August 9, 2015 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

Very seldom is the teen the only one with a problem. You may have a teen who is acting out, showing changes in behavior, not doing well in school, angry, unmotivated, lying, trying drugs and/or alcohol. And you think maybe I need to get them working with a therapist. The answer is probably yes. But the question is WHY are these things happening? Behind every action or feeling there is a reason why. The things listed above are simply symptoms of something else. And behind that is a reason. Something I personally say a lot: There is always a reason. So what’s the reason? Take a look into what is happening in the family. Has there been any recent changes like divorce, parents fighting, illnesses, ineffective parenting (like yelling, accusing, too much pressure about grades/college, too strict, etc). Unacceptable parenting (yelling, hitting, abusive). Is the family struggling financially? You get the picture. Is there something happening in the dynamics of the family that just might be affecting everyone? The answer is usually yes. Almost every time I talk to parents about what’s happening with their teen, there is something happening in the family. With that said, EVERYONE needs to see the therapist for family therapy! It also takes the pressure off the teen from thinking they have a problem when really the family has the problem. Plus don’t you want to know how to help your teen? Don’t you want to learn how to be the best parent you can be by getting some help in doing just that? It sends a whole different message to your teen if you get in there and be part of the solution to the problem with them.