Category: For Parents

I Don’t Know

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

bark painting Dear Parent,

If you have a teen who is causing you concern and when you ask them what’s going on or what are they doing and they say “I don’t know”, I truly believe it is because they really don’t know. A teen’s brain is still developing but also on it’s way to becoming an adult brain. With that comes new ways of thinking and feeling about things. Their ability to process information is also changing. So when the answer to your question is “I don’t know”, they probably really don’t know the answer. For instance, you recently discover that your teen has been self-harming and when you ask why you get an “I don’t know.” You need to accept that answer and not keep pushing for another one. Instead, let them know you are super concerned and will seek out professional help for them and for you. You need to learn how best to help your teen, and they need help in identifying how they are truly feeling so they can move towards being healthy. You both need professional help to find a solution, gain understanding and for support. So as hard as it is to accept an I don’t know answer, it’s actually a great place to start. Calm communication is the key. Be open, accepting and try to really listen.

 

How’s That Working For You?

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

So many times we just keep repeating the same mistakes or behaviors even if it doesn’t work for us. As parents, we often keep saying the same things over and over to our teen with the same lack of results. Like when we ask them if they did their homework everyday and they say yes but later on we find that the grades do not support this. But we keep asking if they did their homework and they say yes. Or we get caught up in asking why they didn’t do it with the same response every time of I don’t know. It becomes a vicious cycle. We get stuck. Well, if saying the same things over and over keep producing the same lack of results, stop saying that and try something new. You might have to ask yourself…how’s that working for me? If you answer that it is not, then that’s your invitation to try something else. Stopping and asking yourself if it’s working for you can help you realize that you need to try something else. So be aware of your actions, behaviors and words and see if you are getting the results you want. Then stop the cycle. Chances are you can find something that will work and while it usually involves a conversation with your teen that includes really listening to what they have to say, you may find that trying something new really works.

Dear Teen,

Here’s a possible scenario: You get up late every morning for school and now have a long attendance record that includes daily tardies to your first period class. So you get called into the office and get detention and can’t hang with your friends at lunch for a week! This is a good time to ask yourself if getting up late is working for you. Obviously it’s not. Here’s another possible scenario: You totally understand math and get high scores on the tests, but you never do the homework because you already know you’ll do well on the tests. So super smart you just got a D in the class because you got no credit for the missed homework. Good time to ask yourself…how’s that working for you?Sometimes we get stuck on habits that don’t really work for us in the long run. It might be working for you in the moment because you get to sleep longer, or don’t have to spend time doing the assigned homework. But in the long run you have to pay the consequences. So what you have been doing is clearly not working for you. Time to make a change. Think about how you can change the old habit to one that works for you. So often you will find that you can have it all. Youi can get to school on time, get your homework done and have time for friends and family and other interests. Don’t let yourself get stuck in habits and behaviors that aren’t really working for you. Remember that you actually have a lot of control over the things you do. So choose the things that will have a positive outcome for you.

Whose Got the Real Problem?

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

Get ready because this is all about…NOT hitting your kids. I come across this way too often in my line of work. It has become so obvious who has the real problem. Seriously, there really is nothing a child could do to deserve to be hit by a parent. They could have the worst attitude, be making poor choices, calling you names and they still do not deserve to be hit. Ever. Turn it around for a minute, think about how it would feel if someone was hitting you, slapping you, punching or pushing you. Can you really think of anything good about it? Would it make you want to do better? Would it make you trust that person? Would you want to talk to them? That’s how your child feels. It only instills a lack of trust, fear, hurt and sadness. It shuts them down. It can only make an already difficult situation even worse. There is no good that comes from hitting anyone, especially your child. So really…even if your teen is acting out and difficult to handle, if you are using physical abuse to try to control the situation, whose got the real problem? In case you can’t figure it out…it’s you. So go get some help so you can be a better parent and learn better ways to communicate with your teen and how best to handle challenging situations. It’s never too late to try. A real heartfelt effort starts with  acknowledging your role in the relationship with your teen and admitting your mistakes. This can go a long way in repairing the relationship, as a start. Teens are just starting to see that their parents are real people, with faults. So admit you have been handling things all wrong and will seek help to be a better parent. Of course if the abuse is reported, as it should be, Child Protective Services may end up getting involved. If you don’t want to lose your child, in more ways than one, get help now. If you know of someone abusing a child/teen, please report it immediately. No one deserves to be hit. Ever. All of the above pertains to verbal abuse as well. There is absolutely no good that can come out of calling your child names or putting them down in any way. Sometimes you may not think what you say is verbal abuse or that it hurts, but once again turn it around and ask yourself if you would like it if someone said the same thing to you. The abuser, physical or verbal, is the one with the problem. So please stop. Get serious professional help.

Texting and Sleeping

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen and Parent,

Those two words really don’t go together. How could you possibly get a good night’s sleep if you are focused on responding to the constant ding of your phone? I recently read and article that laid out some very real statistics. It looks like over sixty per cent of teens are not getting enough sleep because of late night texting or phone use. Twenty to twenty-five per cent are awakened from sleep to respond to a text. Really not too surprising. But aren’t teens already sleep deprived? Do they really need this constant distraction? Up to seventy per cent of teens get less than eight hours of sleep a night, usually five or six! Not only can a lack of sleep get in the way of learning it also can effect brain development and growth, not to mention overall health and well-being. Why is it so hard to turn off the phone during sleep time? Has it become an addiction of sorts or a really bad habit? That’s crazy because you have complete control over this problem!! Give it try for a couple of weeks. Turn off your phone and see if you get more sleep and better sleep. See if the lack of distractions while sleeping help you feel better the next day. It seems worth a try. My guess is that if you can turn off your phone you will feel more relaxed and rested the next day. I think it might take a few days to fall back into a healthy sleep pattern so give it some time to work.

Parents, if they cannot turn off their phone at night and control this on their own, I strongly advise you help them do it. Take the phone at bedtime and give it back in the morning. It’s easy and it will help your teen to develop healthier habits regarding their sleep.

Online “Friends”

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

I am sometimes very alarmed when teens tell me they have friends in other states that they have never met! These are their online friends. Yes they Skype and have “seen” them face to face over the computer, but have never met in person. I’m just not sure how strong these kinds of friendships really are with no in person interaction. Is the person really who they think they are? You really can be anyone you want to be on a computer screen. There are just too many unknowns. As parents, you absolutely positively need to be monitoring who your teen is talking to online. It is not an invasion of privacy, it’s about protection. If it’s a real friend, then you should be able to call the parents of the friend and make a real connection. If it’s a real friend, then there should be nothing to hide. If your teen refuses to help you make that connection, then close down the computer and start having a real conversation with your teen. Let them know why you are so concerned. Your job is to make sure they are safe and healthy and happy. You may trust your teen, for the most part, but if they don’t get that this can be very risky, then you need to teach them why it is not a good idea. I know many teens will not want you to invade their online space, but remember who bought the computer and pays the bills. You get to set the rules around it’s use. And above all, your job is to keep your teen safe. That means when you give them devices that open up the world to them you also need to educate your teen on appropriate use of those devices and all that can happen in the computer world.

There’s Always a Reason

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent:

There’s always a reason behind failing grades, poor behavior, unhappiness., etc. So if you look at a situation and ask yourself what the reason might be you just might be able to solve the problem or at least become more aware of what is happening. For example, if things seem to be changing for your teen: low grades, stress, anxiety, depression, lack of good friendships/relationships, doesn’t like school, not getting along with parents, etc. you want to look at the total environment and what might be contributing. Have things changed at home: divorce, parents fighting, older sibling left house or is a better student than younger sibling? Have things changed in their world like friendships, more difficult classes, more activities and responsibilities, college pressure? Maybe they are feeling out of sorts because something has suddenly shown up like depression or anxiety. You need to realistically and responsibly assess the situation. What I mean is that you need to be honest about the contributors and what you might be responsible for causing and what they might be responsible for. Be calm and open to a conversation with your teen and don’t necessarily expect them to know what is causing the situation. They really might not know. Your goal is to make sure your teen is happy, safe and productive. This will require their input and real conversation. If your teen says I’m just not motivated…don’t buy it. Lack of motivation is a symptom of the problem. Instead, tell yourself there is always a reason. Let your teen know that you know there is a reason and that you are going to help them find out what it is. In working with teens and families it usually doesn’t take me long to find the reason, because I know there is something behind the behavior. If you need some help in figuring things out seek out the support of a therapist. I almost always suggest family therapy because most often the entire family dynamic is a contributing factor. And remember…there is always a reason.

Practice Letting Go

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

Now is the time to start practicing letting go. Before you know it they will be off on their own and away to college or life beyond high school. You want to send them off knowing they can make good solid choices and decisions for themselves. The only way to do that is to let them practice and experience the outcomes. You on the other hand have to practice letting them be free enough to do that. It’s easier said then done! But hopefully you have instilled some great values and have been a positive role model to your teen. If this is so, then let them try. What I mean is, if they have proven they are trustworthy, maybe let them go out without a curfew. Or let them set the time they will be home while  letting you know the plan. It’s still a good idea to know who they will be with and where they are going, but maybe you don’t need a minute by minute agenda. If you currently like being in constant text availability, let that go for a night. No texts unless really needed. Your teen will love the freedom and responsibility and will most likely prove to be reliable. If your teen is not trustworthy, this plan may not work. But you may be able to help them earn some trust and ultimately some freedom. Give them clear parameters for an outing and tell them if they go along with the plan and prove reliable and responsible, they will be able to start earning back your trust. And with trust comes freedom. We want our teens to become personally responsible in a way that keeps them as safe as possible. Teach them now so when they leave the nest, they will be ready. And you will be too.

Start Planning…Yesterday

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

I’ve been recently reminded how important it is to start having a college conversation super early. I don’t mean preparing for college so you can get in, but more about how are you going to pay for it. This conversation cannot start early enough. And once your child has a general understanding about money and finances you can include them in the conversation. Planning means talking about what you feel your family will be able to afford, even without knowing the cost of college yet. Have you been piling money into a college account? If so, you may be in a better place to manage the cost of a college education. If not, it doesn’t mean you cannot afford college. It just means you may have to work a little harder and research a little more to meet the cost and make the right college decision. You may want to research a few different kinds of colleges, instate, out of state and private to get an idea of the cost. You can also run through an Expected Family Contribution (EFC) calculator to personalize your research even more. There are several good websites you can use to do this calculation. Make this part of your research. Don’t be afraid to find out the real numbers you will be facing. If you know now, you can plan now. This is way better than a big surprise once your teen starts getting acceptance letters! If your teen is just about out the door, don’t worry. There are many ways to finance a college education. There are also many choices when it comes to the right college which should include how much it will cost. So talk now, plan now and don’t be afraid of the future! Have your teen apply to colleges that not only offer a range of difficulty to get into, but range in cost. Then when the acceptance letters and financial aid letters come, you will have some great choices. And a college education will be a reality without a huge financial strain on the student or family.

How to Get Into the Best College in the Universe!!

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

Some of you may be hoping I am going to lay out a plan or formula for success, but that’s not what I will be talking about. For some of you, and you know who you are, it seems like the quest for the right college has become the quest to get your teen  into the best college in the universe! But really, what is the best college? You can read all the reports and rankings but if your child is not ready or doesn’t want that kind of pressure maybe it’s time to ease off. Is this quest more about you and being able to tell your friends and family that your teen got into the best college in the universe? No one needs to know you are reading this so be honest with yourself. Our teens today have enough pressure just trying to get the best grades they can, take challenging courses, join clubs, do extracurricular activities and volunteer with all that extra time they have! Oh yeah, they are also trying to figure out who they are and what they might want to do with their lives, choose a college major, find a career, etc. They do not need the pressure of getting into the best college in the universe. You need to be supporting them in finding a college that is the right fit for them, so they can be set up for success, not failure. I think there are many college environments that get overlooked because they are not at the top of the ranking lists. When in reality many of these colleges offer awesome college educations and preparation for real life. Talk to your teen about what they want, how they feel about the pressure of getting into college and how you can help them in their quest. Once they know they don’t have to get into the best college in the universe if they don’t want to, the pressure will ease, and they just might find a college that fits them best of all.

How to Jumpstart Your Therapy

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen and Parent,

Some people hesitate working with a therapist. It can feel like a HUGE project and process that may never end! In reality, committing to working on yourself and/or your issues can actually make life easier in the long run. Wouldn’t it be great to start therapy a few sessions ahead? I believe if you go in completely open to the process with a goal of your own you can actually lessen the number of sessions needed. Many people start therapy waiting for whatever the therapist tells or asks them. They take a passive role. If you try taking a proactive role in your own therapy, you may get further faster! Here’s what I mean. What is the reason or need for therapy? See if you can clearly define what YOU need, what would be YOUR goal? When therapy is over, what would you have wanted to accomplish? Here’s an example. Say you are depressed and anxious. Your reason for therapy is to feel better, not so down and no more anxiety attacks. Your goal might be to commit to every therapy session and find new ways to manage your feelings and the depression and anxiety. You want to lessen your stressors, too. In the end, you hope to accomplish knowing yourself and your needs better in a way that you can independently manage your life in a positive way. So to do that, for your first meeting with your therapist, you need to lay it all out. Be open and share your reasons, goals and hopeful outcomes. Be open and share how you really feel and what triggers your feelings and reactions. If you have had any kind of trauma or event in your life that has had a negative outcome for you, share that too! That’s what I mean about being proactive. It can take a few weeks for a therapist to get to know you and what you need, but if you go in with a plan and your own agenda, you may find working with the therapist a really positive experience for you. As a teen, it is the perfect plan to help you feel more in control of your own life. Maybe your parents will see that you are taking it seriously and truly want to make changes. In the end, don’t you really just want to be the best person you can be? More in control of your own life and the choices and decisions you will be making? Of course you do! So give it a try, you may learn some new things about yourself that you had never thought of before and not have to be in therapy forever!