For Parents – Teen Waterfall

Fostering Independence

August 1, 2017August 1, 2017 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parents:

I think we might all be able to agree that we want our kids to grow up and be independent and self-sufficient. But I think that is easier said than done. Our natural tendency is to protect our kids, keep them safe. Allowing freedom and independence kind of goes against that idea. So I think it takes practice. You start by allowing your teen to set their own boundaries and prove they can be responsible. Foster trust by letting them decide what will work, like saying they will be home by 9pm and then see if they follow-through. Foster trust by keeping communication open, so you know where they are, with whom and when they will be home. Your teen has to know that they have to keep you informed and by doing that you can relax and let go a little bit. Be sure to tell them that every time they follow through and do what they say that your trust and confidence in them is growing. And that little by little you will let go and let them have more independence and freedom. You just have to know they are safe, making healthy choices, and being honest. This is a conversation you may have to have over and over so they know you mean it. Also to convince yourself to do it! It’s hard to let them go, but at some point you have to. In letting them go a little more each time you are preparing them to handle their own lives and situations. You are also preparing yourself to have less of an impact on their lives. As hard as that is to do, that’s exactly what you want to happen. If you communicate calmly and patiently and really listen, every single time, they will trust that they can go to your for help, direction or concerns. And that’s what you want because then you know you can trust them to seek you out when needed. Of course you will miss them like crazy when they leave home, but sending them off prepared will feel a lot better. Practicing now will also help you watch them go with confidence. You can’t protect them from everything, but you can help them navigate the world in a responsible and healthy way.

Special note: Many parents are now using cell phones as a way to keep track of their teens. While this can be a great tool it should never replace a real live conversation or be overused. Know what your teen is up to that day before they leave the house. Then if plans change they can let you know with a quick text.

If You Know Something….

August 1, 2017August 1, 2017 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teens and Parents,

…Say Something! If you know something about someone that you know is scary, dangerous or unhealthy you absolutely have to say something. No question about it. There have been times where I have found out that several teens, and sometimes parents, have known that another teen has made a suicidal statement, has self-injured, is taking dangerous drugs or has been/ is currently being abused and never said a word! Are you afraid of being a snitch? Do you think it will hurt your relationship with that person? Probably so, otherwise why wouldn’t you seek help for that person? The sooner someone gets help and support the sooner they can heal. When stuff happens or is happening to a teen then it is up to the adults around them to help. I do think that part of the problem is that people in general just don’t know what to do, so they do nothing. If that’s the situation, then seek out the advice and support of a trusted adult. I know I say this all the time, but that’s what it comes down to. If you don’t know what to do, and you know the situation is serious enough, ask for help. It is always worth the risk of that person getting angry with you, or saying they don’t trust you anymore. It is always worth doing the right thing, even though it might be really hard. I see this all the time, and teach teens I work with the right thing to do. It’s OK to tell, that is the best friend thing you could ever do. If someone told you, then they probably don’t know what to do and want help, they just don’t know what that might look like. So, it’s pretty simple. If you know something, or even see something, say something! There are plenty of trusted adults around. You just might save a life and you could undoubtedly change a life. Wouldn’t that be worth it?

Using Phones/Cars as Motivators

July 29, 2017July 29, 2017 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parents:

So many people seem to think that a teen getting a phone or a car is a given. What if it were to be considered the privilege that is really is? And with most privileges, they are earned. What if to earn a personal phone you had to keep your grades to a certain level, like Cs or better? And have good attendance at school. And not break the law. And be respectful and trustworthy to your family and people in your life. And simply just be a good person doing your best. The same idea pertains to a car. Although there are more expenses and responsibilities related to a car, it is still a privilege to get to drive and especially have your own car! Then if the teen does not uphold their end of the bargain, they lose the privilege of having their own phone, or driving a car. They lose it until they can earn it back. It becomes a motivator for good choices. Earning it back is as simple as getting back on track with the ideas mentioned previously. So as a teen, if you mess up, you lose your privileges. But if you mess up due to things that are somewhat out of your control, like mental or behavioral issues, then you are not to be punished for that but still encouraged to earn your privileges. So how hard could this really be? Is it really so hard to be a good person, go to school, do your best, not break the law and be respectful to others? I don’t think so. For parents, it gives you the opportunity to provide some simple guidelines. Teens like to know how far they can go and what is expected of them. Especially if it is clearly laid out. They also need to know that if they blow it and make a mistake, they can earn back their privileges by getting back on track. Parents, sit down with your teen and lay this all out. Don’t be afraid if they lose the privilege of using a phone that YOU won’t be able to survive it! If they lose the car, you also don’t have to drive them around! Remember bikes and buses? Just plan ahead for curfews, check-ins or pick-up times. It is such a great tool for teaching teens responsibility and appreciation. Write out the expectations and keep it available for review by all. You want to make sure your agreement is clear and that the consequences are understood. Overall this should help your teen stay on track! They will not want to lose their phone or the car! It provides a great incentive and motivator. It also gives them an out if tempted to make a poor choice. “I can’t because if my parents find out, I will lose my phone (or car).” Most teens would understand that and realize it is not worth the risk. But it might be a good idea to include this in your conversation with them. Remember, if you bought the phone and pay for the monthly plan, you own it. If you bought the car and at least help pay for it’s use, you own it. Once your teen has proven they are reliable, trustworthy and super responsible, then maybe you can relax a little! In the meantime, you are teaching them a valuable lesson.

Who Wants Some Money?

December 23, 2016July 29, 2017 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen and Parent,

For college, of course! Anytime I ask a group of teens if they need money for college, all hands go up. That need may vary but it’s obvious that most teens will need financial assistance whether it is loans, grants or scholarships. A loan will have to be paid back, usually 6 months after college graduation. Grants and scholarships are not paid back, they are both free money! But you have to apply and qualify. I like to keep it simple since there are many ways to find money. If you hear about an organization that will find you money for college but it costs money…don’t do it. They don’t have a secret stash of great scholarships or inside scoop on getting a loan. All the info you need is available to you, you just have to look. If you start with the following three simple steps it will certainly get you going.

1) FAFSA: Everybody needs to do a FAFSA. It’s the Free Application for Federal and State Aid. Without this, you cannot access state and federal loans, scholarships and grants. You may think you have enough money for college, but what if you need a loan? It’s better to do the application and be prepared for any need you may have. The cost of college can vary greatly. The loans through FAFSA usually have a much better interest rate and this is where you can get the subsidized loans if qualified. That means interest is not accruing as you go to school. So when you start your FAFSA (Fall of senior year of high school) be sure to read everything and every step. It’s not a difficult application but it helps to be accurate! It’s available October 1 and due by March 1. www.fafsa.ed.gov

2) Private Scholarships: Do a national scholarship search. Use an established website or program. Your high school may use a certain website or program so it’s best to check there first. There are quite a few databases for private scholarships, but I like fastweb.com. It’s one of the largest databases and you can use a filter to find the scholarships that best match you. You may get a list of hundreds so try to give as much information as possible for the best match. Go through the list and find the ones you feel are the best match for you. If they require an essay, write one! You might be able to use the same or a similar essay for multiple scholarships. And many teens will skip the ones requiring essays so you just might have a better chance!

3) Other Scholarships: By “other” scholarships I mean that your school might sponsor some local scholarships and you will want to check those out. At my school, we keep a list of the local scholarships that many of our kids apply to and get! Another “other” is checking with the colleges you are applying to. Many colleges will sponsor their own scholarships too, with specific deadlines. You can find this information by visiting the college’s financial aid website. Do that for each college you have applied to. Many private scholarship deadlines run throughout the school year. Most are available to high school seniors, but there are a few out there for other grades.

It takes a bit of research and work to find money, but think of it as a part-time job. What if you put ten hours into applying for financial aid and you end up getting a thousand dollars????!!! I think that’s pretty good pay! And you may even get more. The people who try and apply usually are the ones who get some money. Funny how that works. So make a commitment to try. Remember that financial aid can vary depending on your family income and even your grade point average. Some financial aid is need-based and some is academic. Some are both! It certainly won’t hurt to try and you definitely won’t get any assistance if you don’t apply. Be sure to check deadlines since these can also vary greatly. Good luck and happy money hunting!

Nothing Wrong With a Little Structure

October 15, 2016July 29, 2017 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen and Parent,

I get so many parents asking me for ideas on what to do to get their teen to get homework or studying done. My first response is…do they have structured time at home set aside to complete school work? What I mean is that when you come home from school, you take a short break, 30 to 60 minutes, then sit down and get to work for 30-60 minutes at a time. This can vary depending on your ability to stay focused. Then take another break, then get back to work. You create 30-60 minute time blocks where you are committed to doing your school work, whether it is regular homework, a project, or studying for a test. You need to figure it around your other commitments at home, like chores and dinner, etc. If you, the teen, set this up for yourself you have a higher chance of it working. Now you need to have a place set aside for you to do your work. It can be a desk in your room, in the family room, or any where away from other distractions. During your structured homework time you absolutely cannot have your phone anywhere near you and certainly not turned on. It is way too much of a distraction. In your break time you can check your phone. If you need to use a computer/internet to do your homework the commitment is not to start communicating with friends. If you need to ask someone something and need to text them, make sure it is always about school. Then get off. Most teens need at least an hour of homework time, so start there. If you find you need more, add some more time in. If the time you need varies from day to day, that’s OK too. Just take your time, don’t rush through it. If you find you have a little extra time left maybe you could be preparing for an upcoming test or getting ahead on a project. The key is commitment. Then when you find you are sticking to the structured plan and getting your work done be super proud of yourself!!! Try it. Maybe you can prove to your parents that you’ve got it handled. Then they just might stop bugging you about getting your homework done! Sounds like it’s worth a try!

What Do You Really Want to Be When You Grow Up?

October 1, 2016July 29, 2017 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Rain Puddles
Dear Teen,
So I’ve been thinking. Is a 4 year college degree what YOU need to do your career? Oh, you don’t know what you want to do?? Let’s start there. Maybe if you knew what you wanted to do for a self-supporting career first then you could find out what it will take to get there. There’s an idea! So many more people are going in to college with no idea of what they want to do. Or maybe they know what they want to do and it doesn’t take a 4 year degree. But they go anyways. Their parents insist! If everybody goes to college who will fill those jobs that require technical skill training? Who will fill the jobs like plumbers, electricians, medical office support, etc. I think it could be the people with a college degree but no focus and no job. They just might get over-educated. Now I agree there is value in education for the sake of learning stuff. Absolutely. But when college costs are up do you really want to spend your money on something that might not lead to a self-supporting career? I’m not suggesting this applies to everyone, but it is certainly something to consider. Maybe think first about what you might want to do and then figure out what it will take to get there. You might be surprised to find out you really only need a 2 year degree, technical training, or a certificate program. There are so many options out there. And so many middle sector jobs that will need to be filled and may not require a 4 year degree. There are some good career exploration tools online. Start there to broaden your horizons. You may find some really cool and interesting careers out there that you never thought of! I know there are! Take into consideration what you are interested in and think about how you see your work day. Are you in an office? Working with people, animals, children? Providing a service or creating something? Do you like to be by yourself or work on a team? Are you good at fixing things? Making things? Helping people? The list could go on and on and on…….Find out who you are, what makes you happy and hone in on what you might like to do with your workday. Then figure out what it will take to get there. It’s not that hard. And it’s a whole lot easier than going through 4 years of college with no direction and ending up with a possibly large student debt and a job that does not match your education. Personally, I’d rather know what I’m spending my educational funds on with a goal in mind. So find a goal, figure out how to get there and go for it!

Are You Stressing Out Your Teen About College?

September 18, 2016July 29, 2017 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,
I cannot tell you how many times I have talked with teens who say they are so stressed about the college process. Some of this stress is natural and expected since the life they have known up to this point is going to take a drastic turn. It’s all been so planned out for them…first grade, second grade….ninth grade…twelfth grade…and then what?! They have to start making some critical decisions. And they certainly do not need any added pressure from you. They know it’s hard to get into college and it’s hard to decide where they want to go. So maybe instead of saying things like ” You have to go to a UC (University of California)”, or ” You know, your cousin went to MIT,” or ” Your Dad and I both went to Ivy League schools and we think you should too.” You get the idea. Well, what if the kinds of colleges you want them to go to are not a good fit for them? Think about having conversations around what they want to do with their life and what kind of education it will take to get there. Also consider the type of student they are. Many teens would fit better at a less academically competitive environment and want somewhere that would create less pressure to excel. And there’s nothing wring with that. You want them to thrive, right? You want them to feel successful? Then help set them up for success. Please don’t ever compare them to anyone else…not a friend, not a relative, no one. They simply cannot be compared. Please don’t force them to go somewhere that is not a good fit just so you can tell your friends that they are going to the best college in the universe. Please try to be proud of all of their accomplishments and help them find that best fit. Things to consider: how far from home, cost, size, majors, community environment, housing, other programs the college may offer, does it FEEL right? If they have no idea what they might want to study, then help them find a college that offers a lot, especially in the areas they are most interested. Remember, try not to judge, never compare, support with an open mind and talk about what they want to do with their life. The best part will be helping them get there.

Drinking, Drugs and Uber

May 15, 2016July 29, 2017 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

Please do not give your teen an Uber account so they can get home safely when out drinking or using drugs. Are you kidding me? Think of the message this sends to them! It really says that you expect them to party and jeopardize their ability to drive, so be ready! The message should always be “I don’t ever want you to drink or use drugs, it’s against the law and not worth it.” But if your teen has made a poor choice and has used alcohol or drugs, please tell them “Do not drive the car, I will come and get you.” You have to also agree, and tell them, that you will not get mad at them or yell at them, but that you most certainly will have a conversation about their choices. The message should always be that drinking and drugs are not acceptable. I hear many parents say “Well, you know, teenagers are going to party so that’s OK as long as they are safe.” Never say it is OK! You have to always say it is unacceptable and that there will be consequences for their actions. I know there is a huge chance that they will try alcohol and drugs but your message needs to be consistent. Remember too that it is against the law for teens under 21 (18 in some places) to use alcohol and it is against the law for everyone to drive under the influence of anything. And then if or when they blow it, you can have a conversation addressing their actions and choices. But if your message is too lax, they very well may take advantage of it thinking you’re cool with them using. You want to establish mutual trust. They need to know that you mean what you say and you need to know they will do the right thing. If they make a mistake, they need to be able to come to you and talk with you about it. If they know you mean what you say they just might try to rise to that and maintain a trusting relationship with you. So if you think an Uber account is the answer it simply is not. YOU are the answer and you need to be ready to go pick them up if the occasion arises. This will also afford an opportunity to talk about what they are doing and how serious it is. You need to know if your teen is in serious trouble. Never give that away for the convenience of a lift home.

Please Take the Car

May 15, 2016July 29, 2017 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

If your teen gets in trouble in any way, especially about drugs or alcohol…and they are a driver…and you have given them the car…even if you make them pay for gas…PLEASE TAKE THE CAR! I say this so emphatically because it really pisses me off. I may drive on that same road, the people I love drive on that same road, innocent people may get hurt. Drugs and alcohol do impare anyone’s ability to drive. Alcohol is obvious, but even marijuana effects driving ability, mostly with slower reaction times. Some teens who use marijuana will say they can drive better while high, they are more relaxed. I absolutely do not agree. And the statistics will support my side. If you are going to get behind the wheel of a huge, heavy moving vehicle you better be alert, attentive and ready. So if your teen has violated your trust, really in any way, but most emphatically if drugs or alcohol are involved…take the car now! Then give them a way to earn it back. Most likely if they are using a substance, there have been signs: grades dropping, poor attendance at school, attitude changes, less communicative, different friends, etc. So tell them they can earn it back by obviously…NO MORE DRUGS OR ALCOHOL. They can earn it back by having perfect attendance, and I mean NO tardies or unexcused absences (and don’t excuse them unless they are truly sick). They can earn it back by turning in all schoolwork and showing that their grades are improving. Tell them they have to maintain a C or better grade point average. They need to share where they are going and who they are with and friend’s parent’s contact information. Then give it 2 weeks and at the end of the 2 weeks you will check their attendance, grades, and assess behavior. Then you will all discuss whether they can get the car back. No I didn’t forget about the fact that they may have been using drugs or alcohol, that’s a whole other issue that needs your immediate and serious attention. So start drug testing them to get a baseline of how big and serious the problem is. I recommend taking them in to see the doctor for an in depth drug screening. That’s probably the only way you will get a very accurate picture of what you are all dealing with. Then listen to the doctor’s recommendations, and seek out professional help for the entire family. And get your teen clean and sober before allowing them back on the road. They need to earn the privilege of driving, even if it is an inconvenience to you.