Category: Family Dynamics

Listen…

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

Really, just stop and listen. That is one of the top things kids tell me that they want from their parents. They want them to listen. Not talk, tell, argue, preach, question. Just listen. Calmly and with an open mind. So many teens feel shut down by being accused or judged. Wouldn’t you? It’s really hard for many teens to talk to any adults, let alone their parents, about anything. If you want to establish trust and openness with your teen, stop talking and listen. If they tell you something alarming, try not to overreact. Listen. Offer to discuss options in handling the information. Make decisions together, even if it requires consequences for negative behavior. Keep your voice calm and don’t react quickly. Take time to think things through before reacting. When I hear something alarming, my first comment is usually “OK…” I want them to keep talking! I want them to see that I am listening and reacting is a calm supportive way. If they see that you react to what they are telling you in a positive way, they just might feel comfortable enough to talk to you even more! And to come to you when they have a problem or situation that they need help with. Don’t you want to be the person they turn to? Of course you do. So keep the lines to communication open by being calm, attentive and the best listener ever!

Why it Can be so Hard to be a Teen

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

As a teen, you are going from being a child to becoming a young adult. That part is obvious. But when you think about all the changes that happen during that time it all becomes a little clearer. And I’m not talking about the physical changes. That part is also obvious. Just think, when you are a child you are more dependent on your parents and for the most part do what they tell you to do, look up to them for direction, let them handle everything. In fact, you never really have much thought about the details of life. Then you become a teenager and you start seeing the world in a different way. You start feeling the world in a different way. You start to see your parents as real people, with real flaws when in the past that thought may have never crossed your mind. You start pulling away from your parents and turning towards friends and other relationships for advice, information and acceptance. You want to do things your way and make your own decisions. You may start to see the world as not such a perfect happy place. It starts to get more complicated. That’s because you are starting to see the world and life as a young adult. You can think at a higher level now and as a result see things in a different way and feel things more. This is exactly what is supposed to be happening so cut yourself some slack. I get that it can be a really hard time as you navigate into adulthood. But if you accept that you are beginning to think and process as a young adult maybe it won’t seem so hard. It is all a part of growing up. I would hope it would give you confidence and take away some of the struggle. If you are going through a really hard time, please don’t be afraid to seek out adult help if needed. I know your first instinct will be to talk to friends, but remember, they are kids too. They may not know what to say or do. Look for an adult you trust like hopefully your parents. There are also family friends, relatives, teachers and of course your school counselor. It’s always OK to ask for help or run something by another person for support. It’s pretty hard to become an adult all by yourself!

Do WE Need a Therapist?

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

Very seldom is the teen the only one with a problem. You may have a teen who is acting out, showing changes in behavior, not doing well in school, angry, unmotivated, lying, trying drugs and/or alcohol. And you think maybe I need to get them working with a therapist. The answer is probably yes. But the question is WHY are these things happening? Behind every action or feeling there is a reason why. The things listed above are simply symptoms of something else. And behind that is a reason. Something I personally say a lot: There is always a reason. So what’s the reason? Take a look into what is happening in the family. Has there been any recent changes like divorce, parents fighting, illnesses, ineffective parenting (like yelling, accusing, too much pressure about grades/college, too strict, etc). Unacceptable parenting (yelling, hitting, abusive). Is the family struggling financially? You get the picture. Is there something happening in the dynamics of the family that just might be affecting everyone? The answer is usually yes. Almost every time I talk to parents about what’s happening with their teen, there is something happening in the family. With that said, EVERYONE needs to see the therapist for family therapy! It also takes the pressure off the teen from thinking they have a problem when really the family has the problem. Plus don’t you want to know how to help your teen? Don’t you want to learn how to be the best parent you can be by getting some help in doing just that? It sends a whole different message to your teen if you get in there and be part of the solution to the problem with them.