Category: Family Dynamics

What CAN You Do?

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

You can’t change other people, or change the past, so what CAN you do? Sometimes you may feel powerless in a situation but there is always something you can do. You may not be able to make another person be different or do what you want them to do, or change a situation but you certainly have power over what YOU do. The friends you have, the choices you make around social situations, how you do in school, etc. are all things you have control over. So you might have to literally ask yourself…what CAN I do? Think about all the things in your life that you do have control over: like going to school, doing all of your homework and classwork, being reliable with responsibilities and commitments, staying out of trouble (no drugs/alcohol, no breaking the law), keeping a positive attitude and being a good person. In other words, all the things you can do that have a positive impact on your life. If life at home is really difficult for you and you need to get out of the house, get a job or volunteer somewhere, join a sports team, club or gym.  These are things that are good for YOU and build on who you are and they get you out of the house doing something positive for YOU! This is not a way to fix the problem but it is a way to move forward and not be stuck feeling there is nothing you can do. As you get older the opportunities to have control in your life continue to grow, especially if you have been a good person staying out of trouble. So focus on the positive and see if you can find some things that make you feel good about yourself. As your sense of control in your life develops so does self-confidence and the maturity to handle anything life throws at you.

Good friends-Doing your best in school-Holding down a job-Volunteering or community service-Playing a sport-Participating in a club-Working on a hobby-Exploring an interest-Taking care of yourself:physically, emotionally, mentally-Helping others-The list goes on!

Finding Something Positive in a Painful Situation

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen and Parent,

Death of a loved one, be it a family member or friend, can leave you in a world of grief. It’s a process you will have to go through in your own way and in your own time. You cannot bring them back, or change what has happened. So what can you do? As you travel along the grief process path, if you can allow yourself to reflect on what that person has meant to you, and how they have impacted your life, you may be able to find something positive in the loss. What I mean is…think about how that person positively impacted your life. Maybe by always being there for you, making you laugh, loving you, supporting you in a crisis, being a great listener, someone fun to hang with, being a great friend, or someone you looked up to. Take that memory and quality about that person and think about how you can apply it to your own life. How can what that person gave you make you a better person? How can you be more like them or have more of that quality that meant so much to you? By becoming a better person, because of what they gave you, you are honoring that person’s life. Anytime we can be better people we will be affecting the world around us in a positive way. So let yourself reflect on the memories you are left with, laugh about the good times and funny moments, and let yourself take on a new view of who you are and who you can become by having been touched by the person you lost. What a great honor.

Safe Healthy Happy

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

These three words are the context in which I work as a school counselor. If teens aren’t safe, healthy and happy (at least happy enough) when they come to school they will not be ready to learn. As parents, you can use these three words as a guideline when dealing and communicating with your teen. You can ask yourself is your teen safe? Are they making safe choices? Do I do all I can to keep them safe? Then you ask is my teen healthy? Are they healthy physically, mentally, socially, emotionally? Are they making healthy choices in all areas of their lives? And then is my teen happy? Are they engaged in learning, want to come to school, have supportive caring friends? Do they enjoy family time and extra activities like clubs, sports and community involvement? Do they communicate with you in a positive way, without attitude? If the answers to these questions is yes then you are on the right path. And if you have to address a serious or important concern with your teen you can always tell them it’s your job to make sure they are safe, healthy and happy. It puts a realistic spin on the conversation and is a way for your teen to see where you are coming from. If you answered no, maybe, or I’m not sure to any of the questions you need to start making a true evaluation of what is going on with your teen and maybe even yourself. Just think about it. If your focus is on keeping them safe, healthy and happy the conversations are easy! Don’t be afraid to ask them if they think they are safe, healthy and happy. This is where the real conversation begins and change can happen. It’s all about supporting your teen through these sometimes rough years, and being the best parent you can be! Be patient and try to really listen without reacting emotionally or negatively. I know you want to keep the lines of communication open, so have these conversations in a calm respectful way. Your teen will appreciate it and probably be willing to say more!

Do What You Say

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

Parents…do what you say. If you say you are going to send them away to a residential treatment facility if they use drugs one more time you better be ready to do it. Otherwise, your teen will learn very quickly that you do not do what you say. They will continue their behaviors because they know you will cave and not follow through. It happens all the time. If you say you will take away the car if they text and drive you better be ready to do it. If you have not been doing what you say, you can still start now. It’s never too late as long as they are living with you. All it takes is a little owning up to not following through in the past but committing to it now. What I mean by that is, tell your teen you have blown it by making threats you haven’t followed through on in the past. Let them know those days are over and be clear and united (both parents if possible) that you will most definitely follow through this time. Then make the consequence to the action clear. Example: If you smoke pot again, we will send you to a treatment facility. Also if this is your particular situation, tell them they can use this to help them say no. “My parents say they will send me away if I use again and they mean it!” So think about what you “threaten” your kids with and make sure it is well thought out, not an emotional reaction in the  moment. Be ready, research, prepare, talk it over. And be sure to let your teen know the new plan of action!

Stuck in the Middle

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

Co-parenting. What a concept. People get married, have kids, get divorced. What about the kids? I see teens in the middle of their parents drama all the time. I know this does not apply to all divorced parents because I have met some that are doing an excellent job of co-parenting! Since I know it is possible, I just don’t get why two parents can’t get along well enough to be effective enough parents even after divorce. It seems like one parent is always blaming the other parent instead of putting the kids first. Parents who fight and argue in front of their children are making a big mistake. Your children should never be involved in your adult issues! Once you involve them, they often start thinking that some of this is their fault, especially when you are fighting about them! So come on now. Can’t you just get along well enough for your kids? Hold your tongue if needed and be mature about being a parent. If you can’t, please get some help in being able to communicate with your ex. Communication is the key. You both decided to have kids together, now parent together! No matter what! OK, maybe if one of you has a mental or psychological issue it could make co-parenting more difficult. If this is the case, maybe you should defer to the recommendations of your doctor and/or therapist. But you can still co-parent! I have never seen any good come from one parent bad-mouthing the other, especially in front of their children. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything! Literally. Just let it go, for the kid’s sake. Be the adult, be the parent. Please learn to co-parent. It will set an excellent example of how a relationship can work, even if you choose to not be married anymore. And your kids need as many good examples and strong role models as they can get. You, as parents, should be their ultimate role models!

Tug2

What Do I Do Now?

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

So your teen is struggling, maybe making poor choices, can’t get motivated, seems unhappy, experimenting with drugs or alcohol, is very anxious, not doing well in school, no friends. You want to help but aren’t sure what to do, especially if your teen is not telling you much. I’ve noticed time and again that parents will ask “What’s wrong?”, or “What’s going on?” and the answer is “I don’t know.” The reason this is the answer is because THEY DON’T KNOW! Literally. So it doesn’t help to just keep asking. They just don’t know what’s wrong or how to best communicate what they are feeling or going through. You need to get some help, meaning working with a doctor and therapist. (Check out my blog Do WE Need a Therapist?) Of course it may not be that easy to find the right person but you have to start somewhere. I always suggest starting with your medical doctor. A physical exam might also be a good place to start to rule out any physical contributors and to determine the next level of care. Some teens may be referred to inpatient, outpatient or hospitalization to initially address the problem. No matter what the next step is you can get a referral to a program or  therapist from your doctor. When referred by your doctor, often times that program or therapist will be on your insurance plan, too. The point is to get to the professionals who can help and go from there. I also believe finding the right fit is very important. You want your teen to feel comfortable with the therapist and willing to open up. It’s more important for your teen to like and respect the therapist than for you to. I highly suggest you as parents go too. Remember, this is not their problem, but a member of the family having a problem so everyone involved should be involved in the solution. So no matter what the issue: depression, self-harming, eating issues, start with your medical doctor. If you don’t have insurance check your local resources, there are many free services. A school counselor might also be able to steer you in the right direction and let you know what is available in your area. Many schools provide services like peer support programs, support groups and individual counseling through the school counselors. I know I make these recommendations all the time. I also provide all of those school supports, too. So there is help out there, don’t be afraid to ask!

Tell Someone…

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

If you or someone you know has suffered or struggled with any of the following things: abuse (physical, emotional, mental, sexual, date rape), suicidal thoughts, depression, neglect, eating issues, anxiety, low self-esteem…tell someone! And I don’t mean tell your friends because they are a great support system for you. Well, go ahead and tell your friends but tell a trusted adult too. Hopefully this would be your parents, but if not find another adult in your life that you trust; like a teacher, counselor, family friend. The sooner you get some real professional help the sooner you can begin to recover. Many people are afraid to tell, afraid they will get in trouble or get someone else in trouble. Many people are afraid to confront the issue, it might be too painful, or too disruptive to their lives. Many people are afraid to tell someone because of what others might think of them. But believe me, it’s a whole lot harder going around with a painful or difficult secret than to tell someone and get some help. That pain will never go away on it’s own, it settles into you and can start causing problems; like headaches, physical ailments, depression, anxiety, etc. But if you tell someone you trust and get the help you need you can start letting it go. I put abuse at the top of the list because many times abuse victims do not come forward, out of fear, shame or embarrassment. As a former abuse victim, I know how it feels to finally tell someone. I felt bad for so long and then just broke, told my favorite teacher and ended the abuse once and for all! I started to feel safer and freer. It is never the victim’s fault, no matter what your abuser may tell you. How could it ever possibly be a child’s or teen’s fault? You are still children!! You have done nothing wrong. So be brave and tell someone. You will never regret it. Even if you are concerned about a friend, do not keep it a secret. I have never seen a friendship break up because a secret was told and the person got help. Never. It’s also a risk worth taking. Always. The other issue at the top of the list is suicidal thoughts. ALWAYS tell a trusted adult. IMMEDIATELY. Don’t waste time thinking about the right thing to do, because the right and only thing to do is tell someone. If it is about a friend, I’d rather get them help than worry about wrecking the friendship or breaking the trust. So even if someone tells you not to ever tell…tell someone. It will be worth it.

Why a waterfall?

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Maybe you are wondering about the connection between teens and a waterfall? Actually, my husband chose the name randomly but I really liked the sound of it and the possible meanings and connections. It quickly grew on me. There are the obvious connections like a waterfall can be powerful, beautiful, amazing. But you can also go over the falls, stand under the falls, swim right up to the falls. It made me think that teens and/or raising a teen can be all these things too, and more. So I decided to go with it and see where it carries me. You are welcome to go along for the ride.

Follow me as I add a new post at least 1x each week! I will try to cover every possible topic…and offer my ideas, advice and suggestions . I will also be adding more photos and art as I go along. The drawn art is by Michael McCroskey, the paintings and photos are by me. The original waterfall is a free photo because where I live the waterfalls are not this dramatic or beautiful, so my photos would fall short.

Waterfall Final

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She’s Better than Me

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

Every single student I have asked if they ever compare themselves to their peers has said yes. Every single student I have asked if when they compare themselves it makes them feel better about themselves has said no. And I have asked a lot! So of course I am constantly telling teens not to compare themselves with others. There will always be the student who gets a 4 point bazillion GPA and a gazillion on the SATs (that usually at least gets a small smile out of them)! So why not focus on being the best you can be? Easier said than done but starts with changing the message in your head. Instead of seeing that everyone around you got a higher grade than you on the test, ask yourself what else can I be doing? Am I doing the best I can everyday? And I don’t mean studying or homework 24/7. You need a life with balance too. So at the end of the day did you try your best? Were you able to set priorities and get things done? I know many of you are balancing school, family, sports or extracurricular stuff, friends, etc. Do you take care of what needs to be done? Also know that it seems just about everyone compares themselves to their peers. It’s pretty normal to do that, but is it working for you? Probably not. So try something new and believe in what you are capable of doing. Everyone comes with a different brain, different experiences, different learning abilities, different personalities…how could we possibly compare? So give yourself a break, stop comparing and just watch how relieving it feels! Start believing in your own individuality…see where it takes you.

Which words do you relate to?

COMPETENT-FUN-FRIENDS-DRIVEN-CONFIDENT-FABULOUS-FUTURE-FAMILY-HONEST-OPTIONS-POSSIBILITIES-EMOTIONS-SMILE-POSITIVE-HAPPY-ATTITUDE-IMAGE-SELF-EXCEPTIONAL-TALENTED-COMPASSIONATE-TRUST-COMMUNICATION-OPTIMISTIC-ATHLETIC-FUNNY-SMART-BEAUTIFUL-CARING-DREAMS-BELIEVE-TRUTH-LOVE-CREATIVE-HEALTH-KIND-CAREER-CHOICES-ADD YOUR OWN WORD!

It Starts Out Being Fun

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

Drugs and alcohol are so alluring for teens because it really seems like it might be fun! It’s a party! They help you loosen up and not be so self-conscious. Everyone is doing it (actually it is usually less than half of the students in a high school who use drugs or alcohol). So actually lots of kids are not doing it too. You also might be going through a tough time and drugs or alcohol take away the feeling…temporarily. It can be a form of escape from something difficult or painful. But when the effects of the drug or alcohol goes away, the problem will still be there. So it starts out fun. Feels good. Then something happens to interfere with the fun; you get caught by your parents or the police. Maybe you or a friend overdoes it and something scary happens (like passing out, date rape, injury, hospitalization). But you continue to use and it then becomes fun with problems because your parents are watching you, you are on restriction, etc. Then your grades start going down, you have trouble paying attention or even caring about school and your other activities. Your parents don’t trust you. You end up in court. When you use drugs or alcohol you are always scared that someone will find out and you will be in even more trouble.

It starts out being fun….then fun with problems….then just problems.

Is it really worth it? Is it worth the risk? Is it really that much fun to be looking over your shoulder, worried about getting caught, not feeling good about what you are doing? I hope your answer is NO to all of these questions. Nobody starts out thinking “I want to be a drug addict or alcoholic!” but before you know it you could be heading down that path. Drugs and alcohol are addicting and keep you from being the real you. How can you possibly be your true self while under the influence of something? You can’t. You might think that drugs or alcohol make you feel free, but in reality you will have more freedom in your life if you are drug/alcohol free. Your parents will trust you, your friends will be real friends (not partying friends), your future will be wide open.

Drug/alcohol free = FREEDOM. Think about that. Isn’t freedom more valuable than getting high? I know you all want your freedom..so the answer should be a resounding YES! If you need help getting away from drugs or alcohol don’t be afraid to tell an adult you trust. There are lots of us out there. And if you are using to escape something painful or difficult it is even more important to seek out an adult you trust to help.