Category: Family Dynamics

Please Stop Texting Your Teens During School!

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent:

This has got to stop. Cell phones are already the biggest distractor to learning and education. When you are texting your teen during class time you are adding to that distraction! Just imagine their phone trying to get their attention while a teacher is talking, or a concept is being taught, or homework instructions explained. What are the chances they heard everything? If you are one of the people texting them during class time, that is easily remedied. Stop doing it. There are always lunch times or break times you can use if you just have to get a hold of your teen. Otherwise, leave them alone during school. Have real conversations when you see them at home. If this seems impossible for  you to do then you seriously need to limit their texting ability to after school hours so you won’t be tempted.  It will help both of you. If there is a true emergency, schools still have real phones you can call on.  Many teens get over a hundred texts a day and that is already way too many. Don’t add to this craziness. Help your teen be as prepared as possible to do their best in school with as few distractions as possible. I know it can make a difference in their learning and success in school. I think it can also be a very positive thing for your relationship with your teen. You end up talking live and in person more than using the fallback and ease of a text. And face to face conversations are still the most effective, personal and real way to communicate.

Fostering Independence

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parents:

I think we might all be able to agree that we want our kids to grow up and be independent and self-sufficient. But I think that is easier said than done. Our natural tendency is to protect our kids, keep them safe. Allowing freedom and independence kind of goes against that idea. So I think it takes practice.  You start by allowing your teen to set their own boundaries and prove they can be responsible. Foster trust by letting them decide what will work, like saying they will be home by 9pm and then see if they follow-through. Foster trust by keeping communication open, so you know where they are, with whom and when they will be home. Your teen has to know that they have to keep you informed and by doing that you can relax and let go a little bit. Be sure to tell them that every time they follow through and do what they say that your trust and confidence in them is growing. And that little by little you will let go and let them have more independence and freedom. You just have to know they are safe, making healthy choices, and being honest. This is a conversation you may have to have over and over so they know you mean it. Also to convince yourself to do it! It’s hard to let them go, but at some point you have to. In letting them go a little more each time you are preparing them to handle their own lives and situations. You are also preparing yourself to have less of an impact on their lives. As hard as that is to do, that’s exactly what you want to happen. If you communicate calmly and patiently and really listen, every single time, they will trust that they can go to your for help, direction or concerns. And that’s what you want because then you know you can trust them to seek you out when needed. Of course you will miss them like crazy when they leave home, but sending them off prepared will feel a lot better. Practicing now will also help you watch them go with confidence. You can’t protect them from everything, but you can help them navigate the world in a responsible and healthy way.

Special note: Many parents are now using cell phones as a way to keep track of their teens. While this can be a great tool it should never replace a real live conversation or be overused. Know what your teen is up to that day before they leave the house. Then if plans change they can let you know with a quick text.

 

Using Phones/Cars as Motivators

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parents:

So many people seem to think that a teen getting a phone or a car is a given. What if it were to be considered the privilege that is really is? And with most privileges, they are earned. What if to earn a personal phone you had to keep your grades to a certain level, like Cs or better? And have good attendance at school. And not break the law. And be respectful and trustworthy to your family and people in your life. And simply just be a good person doing your best. The same idea pertains to a car. Although there are more expenses and responsibilities related to a car, it is still a privilege to get to drive and especially have your own car! Then if the teen does not uphold their end of the bargain, they lose the privilege of having their own phone, or driving a car. They lose it until they can earn it back. It becomes a motivator for good choices. Earning it back is as simple as getting back on track with the ideas mentioned previously. So as a teen, if you mess up, you lose your privileges. But if you mess up due to things that are somewhat out of your control, like mental or behavioral issues, then you are not to be punished for that but still encouraged to earn your privileges. So how hard could this really be? Is it really so hard to be a good person, go to school, do your best, not break the law and be respectful to others? I don’t think so. For parents, it gives you the opportunity to provide some simple guidelines. Teens like to know how far they can go and what is expected of them. Especially if it is clearly laid out. They also need to know that if they blow it and make a mistake, they can earn back their privileges by getting back on track. Parents, sit down with your teen and lay this all out. Don’t be afraid if they lose the privilege of using a phone that YOU won’t be able to survive it! If they lose the car, you also don’t have to drive them around! Remember bikes and buses? Just plan ahead for curfews, check-ins or pick-up times. It is such a great tool for teaching teens responsibility and appreciation. Write out the expectations and keep it available for review by all. You want to make sure your agreement is clear and that the consequences are understood. Overall this should help your teen stay on track! They will not want to lose their phone or the car! It provides a great incentive and motivator. It also gives them an out if tempted to make a poor choice. “I can’t because if my parents find out, I will lose my phone (or car).” Most teens would understand that and realize it is not worth the risk. But it might be a good idea to include this in your conversation with them. Remember, if you bought the phone and pay for the monthly plan, you own it.  If you bought the car and at least help pay for it’s use, you own it. Once your teen has proven they are reliable, trustworthy and super responsible, then maybe you can relax a little! In the meantime, you are teaching them a valuable lesson.

How’s That Working For You?

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

So many times we just keep repeating the same mistakes or behaviors even if it doesn’t work for us. As parents, we often keep saying the same things over and over to our teen with the same lack of results. Like when we ask them if they did their homework everyday and they say yes but later on we find that the grades do not support this. But we keep asking if they did their homework and they say yes. Or we get caught up in asking why they didn’t do it with the same response every time of I don’t know. It becomes a vicious cycle. We get stuck. Well, if saying the same things over and over keep producing the same lack of results, stop saying that and try something new. You might have to ask yourself…how’s that working for me? If you answer that it is not, then that’s your invitation to try something else. Stopping and asking yourself if it’s working for you can help you realize that you need to try something else. So be aware of your actions, behaviors and words and see if you are getting the results you want. Then stop the cycle. Chances are you can find something that will work and while it usually involves a conversation with your teen that includes really listening to what they have to say, you may find that trying something new really works.

Dear Teen,

Here’s a possible scenario: You get up late every morning for school and now have a long attendance record that includes daily tardies to your first period class. So you get called into the office and get detention and can’t hang with your friends at lunch for a week! This is a good time to ask yourself if getting up late is working for you. Obviously it’s not. Here’s another possible scenario: You totally understand math and get high scores on the tests, but you never do the homework because you already know you’ll do well on the tests. So super smart you just got a D in the class because you got no credit for the missed homework. Good time to ask yourself…how’s that working for you?Sometimes we get stuck on habits that don’t really work for us in the long run. It might be working for you in the moment because you get to sleep longer, or don’t have to spend time doing the assigned homework. But in the long run you have to pay the consequences. So what you have been doing is clearly not working for you. Time to make a change. Think about how you can change the old habit to one that works for you. So often you will find that you can have it all. Youi can get to school on time, get your homework done and have time for friends and family and other interests. Don’t let yourself get stuck in habits and behaviors that aren’t really working for you. Remember that you actually have a lot of control over the things you do. So choose the things that will have a positive outcome for you.

Whose Got the Real Problem?

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

Get ready because this is all about…NOT hitting your kids. I come across this way too often in my line of work. It has become so obvious who has the real problem. Seriously, there really is nothing a child could do to deserve to be hit by a parent. They could have the worst attitude, be making poor choices, calling you names and they still do not deserve to be hit. Ever. Turn it around for a minute, think about how it would feel if someone was hitting you, slapping you, punching or pushing you. Can you really think of anything good about it? Would it make you want to do better? Would it make you trust that person? Would you want to talk to them? That’s how your child feels. It only instills a lack of trust, fear, hurt and sadness. It shuts them down. It can only make an already difficult situation even worse. There is no good that comes from hitting anyone, especially your child. So really…even if your teen is acting out and difficult to handle, if you are using physical abuse to try to control the situation, whose got the real problem? In case you can’t figure it out…it’s you. So go get some help so you can be a better parent and learn better ways to communicate with your teen and how best to handle challenging situations. It’s never too late to try. A real heartfelt effort starts with  acknowledging your role in the relationship with your teen and admitting your mistakes. This can go a long way in repairing the relationship, as a start. Teens are just starting to see that their parents are real people, with faults. So admit you have been handling things all wrong and will seek help to be a better parent. Of course if the abuse is reported, as it should be, Child Protective Services may end up getting involved. If you don’t want to lose your child, in more ways than one, get help now. If you know of someone abusing a child/teen, please report it immediately. No one deserves to be hit. Ever. All of the above pertains to verbal abuse as well. There is absolutely no good that can come out of calling your child names or putting them down in any way. Sometimes you may not think what you say is verbal abuse or that it hurts, but once again turn it around and ask yourself if you would like it if someone said the same thing to you. The abuser, physical or verbal, is the one with the problem. So please stop. Get serious professional help.

Online “Friends”

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

I am sometimes very alarmed when teens tell me they have friends in other states that they have never met! These are their online friends. Yes they Skype and have “seen” them face to face over the computer, but have never met in person. I’m just not sure how strong these kinds of friendships really are with no in person interaction. Is the person really who they think they are? You really can be anyone you want to be on a computer screen. There are just too many unknowns. As parents, you absolutely positively need to be monitoring who your teen is talking to online. It is not an invasion of privacy, it’s about protection. If it’s a real friend, then you should be able to call the parents of the friend and make a real connection. If it’s a real friend, then there should be nothing to hide. If your teen refuses to help you make that connection, then close down the computer and start having a real conversation with your teen. Let them know why you are so concerned. Your job is to make sure they are safe and healthy and happy. You may trust your teen, for the most part, but if they don’t get that this can be very risky, then you need to teach them why it is not a good idea. I know many teens will not want you to invade their online space, but remember who bought the computer and pays the bills. You get to set the rules around it’s use. And above all, your job is to keep your teen safe. That means when you give them devices that open up the world to them you also need to educate your teen on appropriate use of those devices and all that can happen in the computer world.

Honoring Your Emotions

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

Rarely are we taught about our emotions and feelings. We’re familiar with mad, sad, happy….but sometimes you might not be sure what you are feeling. You just know you are feeling something out of the ordinary.  It is always helpful to identify your emotions so you know where it’s coming from and what to do about it. Then when you know how and what you are feeling you can stop a moment and honor those emotions. What I mean by that is that all emotions are valid. If you are caught in a moment and are trying hard not to cry, you may just need to find a safe place and let it go! You may have to say to yourself, “Yes, I am very bummed out right now,” and cry or let yourself feel sad. If we don’t slow down enough to honor our feelings it means we are shutting them down/holding them inside. And that is not healthy. All emotions/feelings are valid, so that goes for your friends and family too. If you are angry about what someone else has done, you may need some time to process your feelings (think about it) so you don’t just react to the emotion and situation. Sometimes that can cause a negative situation. But it doesn’t mean you can’t be angry. I think if we were all taught early on about handling our emotions and feelings we would just get along a lot better. We might not have as much stress or anxiety about life. We might be able to talk about how we are feeling in an honest way. So next time you are feeling something, stop and give it a moment of your time to honor those feelings. Take a deep breath and ask yourself why you are feeling this right now. Be honest with yourself. Then let yourself cry, laugh, be frustrated, angry, disappointed, embarrassed, guilty or hurt. You have the opportunity to grow immensely in knowing yourself. Just make sure you can get yourself back to happy and healthy because that’s the goal.

AFRAID-TERRIFIED-LONELY-INSPIRED-LUCKY-THANKFUL-OPTIMISTIC-ENCOURAGED-INTRIGUED-REBELLIOUS-DISCOURAGED-SKEPTICAL-DISTRESSED-CALM-ASHAMED-GUILTY-CONFUSED-HOPEFUL

There’s Always a Reason

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent:

There’s always a reason behind failing grades, poor behavior, unhappiness., etc. So if you look at a situation and ask yourself what the reason might be you just might be able to solve the problem or at least become more aware of what is happening. For example, if things seem to be changing for your teen: low grades, stress, anxiety, depression, lack of good friendships/relationships, doesn’t like school, not getting along with parents, etc. you want to look at the total environment and what might be contributing. Have things changed at home: divorce, parents fighting, older sibling left house or is a better student than younger sibling? Have things changed in their world like friendships, more difficult classes, more activities and responsibilities, college pressure? Maybe they are feeling out of sorts because something has suddenly shown up like depression or anxiety. You need to realistically and responsibly assess the situation. What I mean is that you need to be honest about the contributors and what you might be responsible for causing and what they might be responsible for. Be calm and open to a conversation with your teen and don’t necessarily expect them to know what is causing the situation. They really might not know. Your goal is to make sure your teen is happy, safe and productive. This will require their input and real conversation. If your teen says I’m just not motivated…don’t buy it. Lack of motivation is a symptom of the problem. Instead, tell yourself there is always a reason. Let your teen know that you know there is a reason and that you are going to help them find out what it is. In working with teens and families it usually doesn’t take me long to find the reason, because I know there is something behind the behavior. If you need some help in figuring things out seek out the support of a therapist. I almost always suggest family therapy because most often the entire family dynamic is a contributing factor. And remember…there is always a reason.

Practice Letting Go

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

Now is the time to start practicing letting go. Before you know it they will be off on their own and away to college or life beyond high school. You want to send them off knowing they can make good solid choices and decisions for themselves. The only way to do that is to let them practice and experience the outcomes. You on the other hand have to practice letting them be free enough to do that. It’s easier said then done! But hopefully you have instilled some great values and have been a positive role model to your teen. If this is so, then let them try. What I mean is, if they have proven they are trustworthy, maybe let them go out without a curfew. Or let them set the time they will be home while  letting you know the plan. It’s still a good idea to know who they will be with and where they are going, but maybe you don’t need a minute by minute agenda. If you currently like being in constant text availability, let that go for a night. No texts unless really needed. Your teen will love the freedom and responsibility and will most likely prove to be reliable. If your teen is not trustworthy, this plan may not work. But you may be able to help them earn some trust and ultimately some freedom. Give them clear parameters for an outing and tell them if they go along with the plan and prove reliable and responsible, they will be able to start earning back your trust. And with trust comes freedom. We want our teens to become personally responsible in a way that keeps them as safe as possible. Teach them now so when they leave the nest, they will be ready. And you will be too.

How to Jumpstart Your Therapy

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen and Parent,

Some people hesitate working with a therapist. It can feel like a HUGE project and process that may never end! In reality, committing to working on yourself and/or your issues can actually make life easier in the long run. Wouldn’t it be great to start therapy a few sessions ahead? I believe if you go in completely open to the process with a goal of your own you can actually lessen the number of sessions needed. Many people start therapy waiting for whatever the therapist tells or asks them. They take a passive role. If you try taking a proactive role in your own therapy, you may get further faster! Here’s what I mean. What is the reason or need for therapy? See if you can clearly define what YOU need, what would be YOUR goal? When therapy is over, what would you have wanted to accomplish? Here’s an example. Say you are depressed and anxious. Your reason for therapy is to feel better, not so down and no more anxiety attacks. Your goal might be to commit to every therapy session and find new ways to manage your feelings and the depression and anxiety. You want to lessen your stressors, too. In the end, you hope to accomplish knowing yourself and your needs better in a way that you can independently manage your life in a positive way. So to do that, for your first meeting with your therapist, you need to lay it all out. Be open and share your reasons, goals and hopeful outcomes. Be open and share how you really feel and what triggers your feelings and reactions. If you have had any kind of trauma or event in your life that has had a negative outcome for you, share that too! That’s what I mean about being proactive. It can take a few weeks for a therapist to get to know you and what you need, but if you go in with a plan and your own agenda, you may find working with the therapist a really positive experience for you. As a teen, it is the perfect plan to help you feel more in control of your own life. Maybe your parents will see that you are taking it seriously and truly want to make changes. In the end, don’t you really just want to be the best person you can be? More in control of your own life and the choices and decisions you will be making? Of course you do! So give it a try, you may learn some new things about yourself that you had never thought of before and not have to be in therapy forever!