Category: Education/College

Safe Healthy Happy

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

These three words are the context in which I work as a school counselor. If teens aren’t safe, healthy and happy (at least happy enough) when they come to school they will not be ready to learn. As parents, you can use these three words as a guideline when dealing and communicating with your teen. You can ask yourself is your teen safe? Are they making safe choices? Do I do all I can to keep them safe? Then you ask is my teen healthy? Are they healthy physically, mentally, socially, emotionally? Are they making healthy choices in all areas of their lives? And then is my teen happy? Are they engaged in learning, want to come to school, have supportive caring friends? Do they enjoy family time and extra activities like clubs, sports and community involvement? Do they communicate with you in a positive way, without attitude? If the answers to these questions is yes then you are on the right path. And if you have to address a serious or important concern with your teen you can always tell them it’s your job to make sure they are safe, healthy and happy. It puts a realistic spin on the conversation and is a way for your teen to see where you are coming from. If you answered no, maybe, or I’m not sure to any of the questions you need to start making a true evaluation of what is going on with your teen and maybe even yourself. Just think about it. If your focus is on keeping them safe, healthy and happy the conversations are easy! Don’t be afraid to ask them if they think they are safe, healthy and happy. This is where the real conversation begins and change can happen. It’s all about supporting your teen through these sometimes rough years, and being the best parent you can be! Be patient and try to really listen without reacting emotionally or negatively. I know you want to keep the lines of communication open, so have these conversations in a calm respectful way. Your teen will appreciate it and probably be willing to say more!

What Do I Do Now?

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

So your teen is struggling, maybe making poor choices, can’t get motivated, seems unhappy, experimenting with drugs or alcohol, is very anxious, not doing well in school, no friends. You want to help but aren’t sure what to do, especially if your teen is not telling you much. I’ve noticed time and again that parents will ask “What’s wrong?”, or “What’s going on?” and the answer is “I don’t know.” The reason this is the answer is because THEY DON’T KNOW! Literally. So it doesn’t help to just keep asking. They just don’t know what’s wrong or how to best communicate what they are feeling or going through. You need to get some help, meaning working with a doctor and therapist. (Check out my blog Do WE Need a Therapist?) Of course it may not be that easy to find the right person but you have to start somewhere. I always suggest starting with your medical doctor. A physical exam might also be a good place to start to rule out any physical contributors and to determine the next level of care. Some teens may be referred to inpatient, outpatient or hospitalization to initially address the problem. No matter what the next step is you can get a referral to a program or  therapist from your doctor. When referred by your doctor, often times that program or therapist will be on your insurance plan, too. The point is to get to the professionals who can help and go from there. I also believe finding the right fit is very important. You want your teen to feel comfortable with the therapist and willing to open up. It’s more important for your teen to like and respect the therapist than for you to. I highly suggest you as parents go too. Remember, this is not their problem, but a member of the family having a problem so everyone involved should be involved in the solution. So no matter what the issue: depression, self-harming, eating issues, start with your medical doctor. If you don’t have insurance check your local resources, there are many free services. A school counselor might also be able to steer you in the right direction and let you know what is available in your area. Many schools provide services like peer support programs, support groups and individual counseling through the school counselors. I know I make these recommendations all the time. I also provide all of those school supports, too. So there is help out there, don’t be afraid to ask!

Tell Someone…

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

If you or someone you know has suffered or struggled with any of the following things: abuse (physical, emotional, mental, sexual, date rape), suicidal thoughts, depression, neglect, eating issues, anxiety, low self-esteem…tell someone! And I don’t mean tell your friends because they are a great support system for you. Well, go ahead and tell your friends but tell a trusted adult too. Hopefully this would be your parents, but if not find another adult in your life that you trust; like a teacher, counselor, family friend. The sooner you get some real professional help the sooner you can begin to recover. Many people are afraid to tell, afraid they will get in trouble or get someone else in trouble. Many people are afraid to confront the issue, it might be too painful, or too disruptive to their lives. Many people are afraid to tell someone because of what others might think of them. But believe me, it’s a whole lot harder going around with a painful or difficult secret than to tell someone and get some help. That pain will never go away on it’s own, it settles into you and can start causing problems; like headaches, physical ailments, depression, anxiety, etc. But if you tell someone you trust and get the help you need you can start letting it go. I put abuse at the top of the list because many times abuse victims do not come forward, out of fear, shame or embarrassment. As a former abuse victim, I know how it feels to finally tell someone. I felt bad for so long and then just broke, told my favorite teacher and ended the abuse once and for all! I started to feel safer and freer. It is never the victim’s fault, no matter what your abuser may tell you. How could it ever possibly be a child’s or teen’s fault? You are still children!! You have done nothing wrong. So be brave and tell someone. You will never regret it. Even if you are concerned about a friend, do not keep it a secret. I have never seen a friendship break up because a secret was told and the person got help. Never. It’s also a risk worth taking. Always. The other issue at the top of the list is suicidal thoughts. ALWAYS tell a trusted adult. IMMEDIATELY. Don’t waste time thinking about the right thing to do, because the right and only thing to do is tell someone. If it is about a friend, I’d rather get them help than worry about wrecking the friendship or breaking the trust. So even if someone tells you not to ever tell…tell someone. It will be worth it.

Why a waterfall?

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Maybe you are wondering about the connection between teens and a waterfall? Actually, my husband chose the name randomly but I really liked the sound of it and the possible meanings and connections. It quickly grew on me. There are the obvious connections like a waterfall can be powerful, beautiful, amazing. But you can also go over the falls, stand under the falls, swim right up to the falls. It made me think that teens and/or raising a teen can be all these things too, and more. So I decided to go with it and see where it carries me. You are welcome to go along for the ride.

Follow me as I add a new post at least 1x each week! I will try to cover every possible topic…and offer my ideas, advice and suggestions . I will also be adding more photos and art as I go along. The drawn art is by Michael McCroskey, the paintings and photos are by me. The original waterfall is a free photo because where I live the waterfalls are not this dramatic or beautiful, so my photos would fall short.

Waterfall Final

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Change the Message in Your Head

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

Here’s my lame analogy. If you wake up in the morning and it’s raining outside and you say, “I can’t believe it’s raining! I’m going to get all wet and today is going to be horrible.” What kind of day do you think you are going to have? If you wake up in the morning and it’s raining and you say, “Yay! It’s raining! I love the rain! Now I can wear my new cool rain boots!” What kind of day do you think you will have? No brainer. A great day! It’s all about the messages you tell yourself…all day long. It’s also about choice, choosing to see things in a positive way or not. Changing a message from negative to positive is not always easy and may take some time. It’s going to take a commitment to change. Try writing down your new message everywhere, like your bathroom mirror or on the inside cover of your binder or set your phone up with a message reminder, so you will be constantly reminded. Here’s an example. If you tell yourself “I’m not a good test taker” it may set you up to not even try. If you say “I’m going to prepare for this test and do the best I can” it keeps you in a positive mood. Here’s another example. ” I’m not good at anything.” Try “I am going to find some things I like to do and explore doing them!” Turn any negative message into a positive one and make sure they are your own words to yourself so that you truly connect with the message. Doing this can work with any subject: school, friends, self, family, activities and sports. Anything. It’s all about creating positive messages and working it until they become natural for you, until the positive overtakes the negative! Most good things don’t  come easy so be ready to try hard and do your best. And when you do make a new message that effects a change, be proud of yourself!

change the message

Original Art by Michael McRoskey 2015

She’s Better than Me

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

Every single student I have asked if they ever compare themselves to their peers has said yes. Every single student I have asked if when they compare themselves it makes them feel better about themselves has said no. And I have asked a lot! So of course I am constantly telling teens not to compare themselves with others. There will always be the student who gets a 4 point bazillion GPA and a gazillion on the SATs (that usually at least gets a small smile out of them)! So why not focus on being the best you can be? Easier said than done but starts with changing the message in your head. Instead of seeing that everyone around you got a higher grade than you on the test, ask yourself what else can I be doing? Am I doing the best I can everyday? And I don’t mean studying or homework 24/7. You need a life with balance too. So at the end of the day did you try your best? Were you able to set priorities and get things done? I know many of you are balancing school, family, sports or extracurricular stuff, friends, etc. Do you take care of what needs to be done? Also know that it seems just about everyone compares themselves to their peers. It’s pretty normal to do that, but is it working for you? Probably not. So try something new and believe in what you are capable of doing. Everyone comes with a different brain, different experiences, different learning abilities, different personalities…how could we possibly compare? So give yourself a break, stop comparing and just watch how relieving it feels! Start believing in your own individuality…see where it takes you.

Which words do you relate to?

COMPETENT-FUN-FRIENDS-DRIVEN-CONFIDENT-FABULOUS-FUTURE-FAMILY-HONEST-OPTIONS-POSSIBILITIES-EMOTIONS-SMILE-POSITIVE-HAPPY-ATTITUDE-IMAGE-SELF-EXCEPTIONAL-TALENTED-COMPASSIONATE-TRUST-COMMUNICATION-OPTIMISTIC-ATHLETIC-FUNNY-SMART-BEAUTIFUL-CARING-DREAMS-BELIEVE-TRUTH-LOVE-CREATIVE-HEALTH-KIND-CAREER-CHOICES-ADD YOUR OWN WORD!