Category: Drugs/Alcohol

Drinking, Drugs and Uber

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Big Sur waterfallDear Parent,

Please do not give your teen an Uber account so they can get home safely when out drinking or using drugs. Are you kidding me? Think of the message this sends to them! It really says that you expect them to party and jeopardize their ability to drive, so be ready! The message should always be “I don’t ever want you to drink or use drugs, it’s against the law and not worth it.” But if your teen has made a poor choice and has used alcohol or drugs, please tell them “Do not drive the car, I will come and get you.” You have to also agree, and tell them, that you will not get mad at them or yell at them, but that you most certainly will have a conversation about their choices. The message should always be that drinking and drugs are not acceptable. I hear many parents say “Well, you know, teenagers are going to party so that’s OK as long as they are safe.” Never say it is OK!  You have to always say it is unacceptable and that there will be consequences for their actions. I know there is a huge chance that they will try alcohol and drugs but your message needs to be consistent. Remember too that it is against the law for teens under 21 (18 in some places) to use alcohol and it is against the law for everyone to drive under the influence of anything. And then if or when they blow it, you can have a conversation addressing their actions and choices. But if your message is too lax, they very well may take advantage of it thinking you’re cool with them using. You want to establish mutual trust. They need to know that you mean what you say and you need to know they will do the right thing. If they make a mistake, they need to be able to come to you and talk with you about it. If they know you mean what you say they just might try to rise to that and maintain a trusting relationship with you. So if you think an Uber account is the answer it simply is not. YOU are the answer and you need to be ready to go pick them up if the occasion arises. This will also afford an opportunity to talk about what they are doing and how serious it is. You need to know if your teen is in serious trouble. Never give that away for the convenience of a lift home.

Please Take the Car

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

If your teen gets in trouble in any way, especially about drugs or alcohol…and they are a driver…and you have given them the car…even if you make them pay for gas…PLEASE TAKE THE CAR! I say this so emphatically because it really pisses me off. I may drive on that same road, the people I love drive on that same road, innocent people may get hurt. Drugs and alcohol do impare anyone’s ability to drive. Alcohol is obvious, but even marijuana effects driving ability, mostly with slower reaction times. Some teens who use marijuana will say they can drive better while high, they are more relaxed. I absolutely do not agree. And the statistics will support my side. If you are going to get behind the wheel of a huge, heavy moving vehicle you better be alert, attentive and ready. So if your teen has violated your trust, really in any way, but most emphatically if drugs or alcohol are involved…take the car now! Then give them a way to earn it back. Most likely if they are using a substance, there have been signs: grades dropping, poor attendance at school, attitude changes, less communicative, different friends, etc. So tell them they can earn it back by obviously…NO MORE DRUGS OR ALCOHOL. They can earn it back by having perfect attendance, and I mean NO tardies or unexcused absences (and don’t excuse them unless they are truly sick). They can earn it back by turning in all schoolwork and showing that their grades are improving. Tell them they have to maintain a C or better grade point average. They need to share where they are going and who they are with and friend’s parent’s contact information. Then give it 2 weeks and at the end of the 2 weeks you will check their attendance, grades, and assess behavior. Then you will all discuss whether they can get the car back. No I didn’t forget about the fact that they may have been using drugs or alcohol, that’s a whole other issue that needs your immediate and serious attention. So start drug testing them to get a baseline of how big and serious the problem is. I recommend taking them in to see the doctor for an in depth drug screening. That’s probably the only way you will get a very accurate picture of what you are all dealing with. Then listen to the doctor’s recommendations, and seek out professional help for the entire family. And get your teen clean and sober before allowing them back on the road. They need to earn the privilege of driving, even if it is an inconvenience to you.

What Exactly is Date Rape?

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Dear Teen,

What exactly is date rape? Also known as acquaintance rape. I can find many definitions out there but the basic description is when a rape, or sexual assault happens with someone you know. The laws will vary between states, too. I have seen this happen too many times to teen girls and they never feel it is something they can or should report. There can be so much shame, embarrassment and guilt for the girl. Sometimes the girl was dressed in a sexy revealing way, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or had flirted with the boy and because of that feels like it was her fault. You can be standing there naked and not deserve to be raped! You have the right to say no and refuse any unwanted advances. You can flirt, like the guy and still not deserve to be raped. YOU get to say when you are ready for sex of any kind. If you are under the influence of drugs or alcohol you may be considered unable to make a clear decision, therefore any unwanted sexual advances could put the boy at risk for a rape charge, even if you didn’t say no.  The bottom line is don’t put yourself at risk. If you go to a party or gathering of any kind, don’t use drugs or alcohol. There are people out there who will give girls drugs and alcohol for free….hmmmm, I wonder why? It’s really not worth the risk. If you are on a date or have met someone new, communicate clearly what you do and do not want to do. If you don’t want to have sex and he doesn’t like you anymore because you won’t, let him go! He’s not worth it. Anyone who truly likes you for you will respect you and your wishes. If you find yourself in a scary situation, make yourself very difficult by yelling, shouting, screaming NO and HELP! Kick and be difficult. Then tell a trusted adult immediately. We don’t want this to happen to anyone else. And YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. If you are afraid to tell someone because you were using drugs or alcohol and don’t want to get in trouble, think about how you will feel knowing you were raped, and the guy is still out there. It is a trauma that needs to be addressed so you can work through the feelings. Everyone makes mistakes, you just want to make sure you get the chance to learn from them. Remember, YOU get to decide when you have sex and I hope it will be with someone you have mutual trust, respect and care for.

I know date/acquaintance rape can happen to boys too, but I have used girls as the example in this blog. All the same information applies to anyone, regard less of gender.

Be Safe Be Smart Be Real

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

I used to run a lot of drug groups (support groups) at the high school I work at, but our district now has a program for students wanting or needing help. But every once in awhile I talk to a teen about drug use and this always comes up. It was my motto when doing the groups and it still stands true today. When talking to a teen about drug use I would ask “Are you being safe?” This means are you making choices that keep you safe like not driving under the influence of anything. Or can you limit your use so you don’t become completely out of it. It can also mean taking care of those around you so no one gets hurt. Then I would ask “Are you being smart?” Ask yourself if you are making smart choices. It’s pretty hard to say anything is a smart choice when talking about drugs and alcohol. But this is a real question to ask. It might help you NOT do something you might later regret. And last but not least is “Are you being real?” If you are under the influence of something how real are you really being? How can you be your true self if your self has been altered? If it is important to you to be real and true to yourself  then drugs and alcohol cannot be a part of that plan. If you are so far from knowing yourself enough to answer these simple questions then help may be needed. But if you keep it simple and ask yourself these questions when drugs and/or alcohol are in the picture, you may be able to say, “No thanks, I like who I am and like to be in control of myself. It’s a little scary to be altered in any way and I want to stay safe, smart and be the real me. Unaltered.” I had a banner in my office and group room to remind students regularly of this message. You could write it down somewhere too so you don’t forget about it. It really might help you make better decisions so you can be safe, smart and real. Always.

BE SAFE BE SMART BE REAL

Safe Healthy Happy

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

These three words are the context in which I work as a school counselor. If teens aren’t safe, healthy and happy (at least happy enough) when they come to school they will not be ready to learn. As parents, you can use these three words as a guideline when dealing and communicating with your teen. You can ask yourself is your teen safe? Are they making safe choices? Do I do all I can to keep them safe? Then you ask is my teen healthy? Are they healthy physically, mentally, socially, emotionally? Are they making healthy choices in all areas of their lives? And then is my teen happy? Are they engaged in learning, want to come to school, have supportive caring friends? Do they enjoy family time and extra activities like clubs, sports and community involvement? Do they communicate with you in a positive way, without attitude? If the answers to these questions is yes then you are on the right path. And if you have to address a serious or important concern with your teen you can always tell them it’s your job to make sure they are safe, healthy and happy. It puts a realistic spin on the conversation and is a way for your teen to see where you are coming from. If you answered no, maybe, or I’m not sure to any of the questions you need to start making a true evaluation of what is going on with your teen and maybe even yourself. Just think about it. If your focus is on keeping them safe, healthy and happy the conversations are easy! Don’t be afraid to ask them if they think they are safe, healthy and happy. This is where the real conversation begins and change can happen. It’s all about supporting your teen through these sometimes rough years, and being the best parent you can be! Be patient and try to really listen without reacting emotionally or negatively. I know you want to keep the lines of communication open, so have these conversations in a calm respectful way. Your teen will appreciate it and probably be willing to say more!

What Do I Do Now?

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parent,

So your teen is struggling, maybe making poor choices, can’t get motivated, seems unhappy, experimenting with drugs or alcohol, is very anxious, not doing well in school, no friends. You want to help but aren’t sure what to do, especially if your teen is not telling you much. I’ve noticed time and again that parents will ask “What’s wrong?”, or “What’s going on?” and the answer is “I don’t know.” The reason this is the answer is because THEY DON’T KNOW! Literally. So it doesn’t help to just keep asking. They just don’t know what’s wrong or how to best communicate what they are feeling or going through. You need to get some help, meaning working with a doctor and therapist. (Check out my blog Do WE Need a Therapist?) Of course it may not be that easy to find the right person but you have to start somewhere. I always suggest starting with your medical doctor. A physical exam might also be a good place to start to rule out any physical contributors and to determine the next level of care. Some teens may be referred to inpatient, outpatient or hospitalization to initially address the problem. No matter what the next step is you can get a referral to a program or  therapist from your doctor. When referred by your doctor, often times that program or therapist will be on your insurance plan, too. The point is to get to the professionals who can help and go from there. I also believe finding the right fit is very important. You want your teen to feel comfortable with the therapist and willing to open up. It’s more important for your teen to like and respect the therapist than for you to. I highly suggest you as parents go too. Remember, this is not their problem, but a member of the family having a problem so everyone involved should be involved in the solution. So no matter what the issue: depression, self-harming, eating issues, start with your medical doctor. If you don’t have insurance check your local resources, there are many free services. A school counselor might also be able to steer you in the right direction and let you know what is available in your area. Many schools provide services like peer support programs, support groups and individual counseling through the school counselors. I know I make these recommendations all the time. I also provide all of those school supports, too. So there is help out there, don’t be afraid to ask!

Tell Someone…

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

If you or someone you know has suffered or struggled with any of the following things: abuse (physical, emotional, mental, sexual, date rape), suicidal thoughts, depression, neglect, eating issues, anxiety, low self-esteem…tell someone! And I don’t mean tell your friends because they are a great support system for you. Well, go ahead and tell your friends but tell a trusted adult too. Hopefully this would be your parents, but if not find another adult in your life that you trust; like a teacher, counselor, family friend. The sooner you get some real professional help the sooner you can begin to recover. Many people are afraid to tell, afraid they will get in trouble or get someone else in trouble. Many people are afraid to confront the issue, it might be too painful, or too disruptive to their lives. Many people are afraid to tell someone because of what others might think of them. But believe me, it’s a whole lot harder going around with a painful or difficult secret than to tell someone and get some help. That pain will never go away on it’s own, it settles into you and can start causing problems; like headaches, physical ailments, depression, anxiety, etc. But if you tell someone you trust and get the help you need you can start letting it go. I put abuse at the top of the list because many times abuse victims do not come forward, out of fear, shame or embarrassment. As a former abuse victim, I know how it feels to finally tell someone. I felt bad for so long and then just broke, told my favorite teacher and ended the abuse once and for all! I started to feel safer and freer. It is never the victim’s fault, no matter what your abuser may tell you. How could it ever possibly be a child’s or teen’s fault? You are still children!! You have done nothing wrong. So be brave and tell someone. You will never regret it. Even if you are concerned about a friend, do not keep it a secret. I have never seen a friendship break up because a secret was told and the person got help. Never. It’s also a risk worth taking. Always. The other issue at the top of the list is suicidal thoughts. ALWAYS tell a trusted adult. IMMEDIATELY. Don’t waste time thinking about the right thing to do, because the right and only thing to do is tell someone. If it is about a friend, I’d rather get them help than worry about wrecking the friendship or breaking the trust. So even if someone tells you not to ever tell…tell someone. It will be worth it.

It Starts Out Being Fun

Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

Drugs and alcohol are so alluring for teens because it really seems like it might be fun! It’s a party! They help you loosen up and not be so self-conscious. Everyone is doing it (actually it is usually less than half of the students in a high school who use drugs or alcohol). So actually lots of kids are not doing it too. You also might be going through a tough time and drugs or alcohol take away the feeling…temporarily. It can be a form of escape from something difficult or painful. But when the effects of the drug or alcohol goes away, the problem will still be there. So it starts out fun. Feels good. Then something happens to interfere with the fun; you get caught by your parents or the police. Maybe you or a friend overdoes it and something scary happens (like passing out, date rape, injury, hospitalization). But you continue to use and it then becomes fun with problems because your parents are watching you, you are on restriction, etc. Then your grades start going down, you have trouble paying attention or even caring about school and your other activities. Your parents don’t trust you. You end up in court. When you use drugs or alcohol you are always scared that someone will find out and you will be in even more trouble.

It starts out being fun….then fun with problems….then just problems.

Is it really worth it? Is it worth the risk? Is it really that much fun to be looking over your shoulder, worried about getting caught, not feeling good about what you are doing? I hope your answer is NO to all of these questions. Nobody starts out thinking “I want to be a drug addict or alcoholic!” but before you know it you could be heading down that path. Drugs and alcohol are addicting and keep you from being the real you. How can you possibly be your true self while under the influence of something? You can’t. You might think that drugs or alcohol make you feel free, but in reality you will have more freedom in your life if you are drug/alcohol free. Your parents will trust you, your friends will be real friends (not partying friends), your future will be wide open.

Drug/alcohol free = FREEDOM. Think about that. Isn’t freedom more valuable than getting high? I know you all want your freedom..so the answer should be a resounding YES! If you need help getting away from drugs or alcohol don’t be afraid to tell an adult you trust. There are lots of us out there. And if you are using to escape something painful or difficult it is even more important to seek out an adult you trust to help.