Ann Nebolon – Teen Waterfall

Grateful for What?

July 6, 2018July 6, 2018 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

In your world, you are super self-focused, as it should be. But do you ever stop and wonder if you could do better or be better? You know, like “be your best self” stuff? It really has to do with gratitude for the things you have. You can be grateful for big and little things. It’s easy to get into a poor me attitude when it looks like so many others have it so much easier than you. You might see others as prettier/better looking, smarter, stronger, more popular with peers, easier family life, more money, etc. than you. Maybe you have it pretty easy in most areas but just can’t get past the thought that things could be better. Put a focus on being grateful for what you do have. Sometimes it’s as simple as “I have a brain that works”, or “I have all my body parts and they all work just fine.” Maybe sometimes you think everyone else has it better than you. Find the things you can be grateful for in your life without comparing yourself to others. There will always be others who seem to have it better or easier than you do, but how will that help you to focus on what others have? Put the focus on you and what you can change, or what you have control of. Maybe you only have one parent but that one parent is really great and supports you in every way. Maybe your family is kind of messed up but you have great friends and you always have YOU. What can you be grateful for? Try making a list and think both big and small. Are there things you can put more focus on to improve your life? It’s OK if your list is short or there is only one thing you can think of. It’s a start. Keep the list around so you can continue to think about it and return to it if you are feeling down or add to it as you get new ideas. A gratitude list, or journal, can be very useful when getting to know yourself. It can certainly put hard times in perspective. Almost everyone has things they can be grateful for every day. Most of the time when I think about what I am grateful for in my own life just thinking about it puts a smile on my face and gives me renewed energy to move forward. That’s the whole intention. When we start comparing ourselves to others is where we get in trouble. I want you to compare yourself with you! That’s when you start to make a change and can truly be your best self.

Make a Difference in YOUR World

July 6, 2018July 6, 2018 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen,

Just the other day I had some teens make a comment about how they wish they could change the world. They didn’t think they could really do it. They felt that it was just too big an idea to think they could make a difference in the world and effect a change. We started thinking about how they could make a difference in THEIR own world. What does that mean? Take a look at your own world, the people you know, family, friends, community. How can you make a difference in YOUR world, YOUR own community? If everyone would strive to make a positive difference in their own community it just might change the world! Take a look at what you are interested in, like politics, government, education, people, art, business, sports, etc. Take that interest and let it help you find a way to make a difference in your world. Start small and build on the idea. Do you want to help the environment, do you care about people, children? Whatever your interest is, see how you can make a positive contribution or change in your world or community. If you care about what you are doing the chances are higher you will stay motivated to see a change happen and continue to be persistent. You can make a plan and follow it or start simple and see where it leads you. Know that you CAN make a difference in the world by your actions, commitments, careers, and community involvement. You CAN change the world! Maybe just one person at a time.

Fostering Independence

August 1, 2017August 1, 2017 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parents:

I think we might all be able to agree that we want our kids to grow up and be independent and self-sufficient. But I think that is easier said than done. Our natural tendency is to protect our kids, keep them safe. Allowing freedom and independence kind of goes against that idea. So I think it takes practice. You start by allowing your teen to set their own boundaries and prove they can be responsible. Foster trust by letting them decide what will work, like saying they will be home by 9pm and then see if they follow-through. Foster trust by keeping communication open, so you know where they are, with whom and when they will be home. Your teen has to know that they have to keep you informed and by doing that you can relax and let go a little bit. Be sure to tell them that every time they follow through and do what they say that your trust and confidence in them is growing. And that little by little you will let go and let them have more independence and freedom. You just have to know they are safe, making healthy choices, and being honest. This is a conversation you may have to have over and over so they know you mean it. Also to convince yourself to do it! It’s hard to let them go, but at some point you have to. In letting them go a little more each time you are preparing them to handle their own lives and situations. You are also preparing yourself to have less of an impact on their lives. As hard as that is to do, that’s exactly what you want to happen. If you communicate calmly and patiently and really listen, every single time, they will trust that they can go to your for help, direction or concerns. And that’s what you want because then you know you can trust them to seek you out when needed. Of course you will miss them like crazy when they leave home, but sending them off prepared will feel a lot better. Practicing now will also help you watch them go with confidence. You can’t protect them from everything, but you can help them navigate the world in a responsible and healthy way.

Special note: Many parents are now using cell phones as a way to keep track of their teens. While this can be a great tool it should never replace a real live conversation or be overused. Know what your teen is up to that day before they leave the house. Then if plans change they can let you know with a quick text.

If You Know Something….

August 1, 2017August 1, 2017 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teens and Parents,

…Say Something! If you know something about someone that you know is scary, dangerous or unhealthy you absolutely have to say something. No question about it. There have been times where I have found out that several teens, and sometimes parents, have known that another teen has made a suicidal statement, has self-injured, is taking dangerous drugs or has been/ is currently being abused and never said a word! Are you afraid of being a snitch? Do you think it will hurt your relationship with that person? Probably so, otherwise why wouldn’t you seek help for that person? The sooner someone gets help and support the sooner they can heal. When stuff happens or is happening to a teen then it is up to the adults around them to help. I do think that part of the problem is that people in general just don’t know what to do, so they do nothing. If that’s the situation, then seek out the advice and support of a trusted adult. I know I say this all the time, but that’s what it comes down to. If you don’t know what to do, and you know the situation is serious enough, ask for help. It is always worth the risk of that person getting angry with you, or saying they don’t trust you anymore. It is always worth doing the right thing, even though it might be really hard. I see this all the time, and teach teens I work with the right thing to do. It’s OK to tell, that is the best friend thing you could ever do. If someone told you, then they probably don’t know what to do and want help, they just don’t know what that might look like. So, it’s pretty simple. If you know something, or even see something, say something! There are plenty of trusted adults around. You just might save a life and you could undoubtedly change a life. Wouldn’t that be worth it?

Mean Girl Stuff

July 30, 2017July 30, 2017 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen:

I don’t get what people get from being mean to each other. I mean I get that it is usually a reflection of that person’s own insecurities or need for attention or to find a sense of control. But seriously, is it ever really worth making someone else feel bad? In any way? Do you really feel better about yourself by being mean? And in some ways girls are the worst. Girls put pressure on each other to be the prettiest, most popular, coolest, smartest, etc. I always thought girls really dress to impress each other, not the boys! But that’s because there is always this comparison thing going on. While it is human nature to compare and even pre-judge, it can be tempered with kindness. Hurtful words and actions never feel good. Putting someone down and making them feel bad, never really feels like the right thing to do. So why do it? Try being kinder. Think about how it would feel if YOU were left out, put down or treated meanly. I don’t think anyone likes that. So if you have a tendency to be mean spirited, try working on that. Try not saying or doing anything if you can’t say or do anything kind. And be respectful, to both yourself and others. If you practice kindness it actually might become a habit! And you certainly won’t be hurting others. Practice kindness by making the effort to say kind and thoughtful things to other people. See how it makes you feel! And watch the reactions you get! If that doesn’t feel good and put a smile on your face then you might have a real problem. Everyone can choose to be nice, kind, thoughtful and respectful. Some just need to practice it more than others. And it can all start with a simple smile, instead of a leer or a snarl. I hope you want to be the kind of person who makes others happy, as well as yourself. Coming from a positive place will definitely have an impact on you and your entire day. You can also build kindness by volunteering your time to help others or by making a positive impact in your community. That’s how you build confidence and a strong sense of self-esteem. You just might never want to be mean again.

What’s Right For Me?

July 30, 2017July 30, 2017 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen:

There is a lot of pressure to figure out what you want to do after high school. Especially when your family or friends may be holding high expectations for you to be something great. Having high expectations is not always a bad thing though, it can help you push yourself to try harder, or reach higher. But what if you just don’t want to do what other people think you should? How do you figure out what is right for you? You have to start by being real with yourself. You need to explore your true interests and abilities. What do you care about? What are you good at? How do you visualize your life? Do you want to work inside or outside? Do you like numbers or words, or working with your hands. Are you a people person or tend to be more solitary. The good news is that there is a career out there for you. In fact, there are probably many. So honing in on one and moving in that direction is the first step. It’s OK if you are not 100% sure. But if you head in a direction that most appeals to you, your chances are higher that you will find something that fits and you will enjoy your career choice. Once you have a direction, you then have to think about what it will take to get there: as in experience, training, education. You might find that you don’t need a 4 year college education. Many careers require specific training, technical training or a 2 year degree. Some careers require no college at all. Once you figure out what you need to do to get where you want to be, you then have to figure out the options. For instance, what college is right for me? And then finding a college or program that fits YOU. It’s all about finding a college or program that fits who you are. Remember, the reason a career is so important is because at some point in the near future you want to be a self-supporting individual, able to provide for yourself. You also want to make sure you really enjoy or even love what you do because you will spend a large part of your day doing it. So take the time to think about what is right for you, not what others want you to do. If you just aren’t ready to commit to a certain career area, then at least move forward by taking some college classes to explore you interests. Get a job, volunteer and see what grabs your attention. There is no rule that says you have to go to college right out of high school. You also don’t have to do it in 4 years. Find the path that fits you best and sends you down the road to a career you love and the ability to support yourself.

Using Phones/Cars as Motivators

July 29, 2017July 29, 2017 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Parents:

So many people seem to think that a teen getting a phone or a car is a given. What if it were to be considered the privilege that is really is? And with most privileges, they are earned. What if to earn a personal phone you had to keep your grades to a certain level, like Cs or better? And have good attendance at school. And not break the law. And be respectful and trustworthy to your family and people in your life. And simply just be a good person doing your best. The same idea pertains to a car. Although there are more expenses and responsibilities related to a car, it is still a privilege to get to drive and especially have your own car! Then if the teen does not uphold their end of the bargain, they lose the privilege of having their own phone, or driving a car. They lose it until they can earn it back. It becomes a motivator for good choices. Earning it back is as simple as getting back on track with the ideas mentioned previously. So as a teen, if you mess up, you lose your privileges. But if you mess up due to things that are somewhat out of your control, like mental or behavioral issues, then you are not to be punished for that but still encouraged to earn your privileges. So how hard could this really be? Is it really so hard to be a good person, go to school, do your best, not break the law and be respectful to others? I don’t think so. For parents, it gives you the opportunity to provide some simple guidelines. Teens like to know how far they can go and what is expected of them. Especially if it is clearly laid out. They also need to know that if they blow it and make a mistake, they can earn back their privileges by getting back on track. Parents, sit down with your teen and lay this all out. Don’t be afraid if they lose the privilege of using a phone that YOU won’t be able to survive it! If they lose the car, you also don’t have to drive them around! Remember bikes and buses? Just plan ahead for curfews, check-ins or pick-up times. It is such a great tool for teaching teens responsibility and appreciation. Write out the expectations and keep it available for review by all. You want to make sure your agreement is clear and that the consequences are understood. Overall this should help your teen stay on track! They will not want to lose their phone or the car! It provides a great incentive and motivator. It also gives them an out if tempted to make a poor choice. “I can’t because if my parents find out, I will lose my phone (or car).” Most teens would understand that and realize it is not worth the risk. But it might be a good idea to include this in your conversation with them. Remember, if you bought the phone and pay for the monthly plan, you own it. If you bought the car and at least help pay for it’s use, you own it. Once your teen has proven they are reliable, trustworthy and super responsible, then maybe you can relax a little! In the meantime, you are teaching them a valuable lesson.

Who Wants Some Money?

December 23, 2016July 29, 2017 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen and Parent,

For college, of course! Anytime I ask a group of teens if they need money for college, all hands go up. That need may vary but it’s obvious that most teens will need financial assistance whether it is loans, grants or scholarships. A loan will have to be paid back, usually 6 months after college graduation. Grants and scholarships are not paid back, they are both free money! But you have to apply and qualify. I like to keep it simple since there are many ways to find money. If you hear about an organization that will find you money for college but it costs money…don’t do it. They don’t have a secret stash of great scholarships or inside scoop on getting a loan. All the info you need is available to you, you just have to look. If you start with the following three simple steps it will certainly get you going.

1) FAFSA: Everybody needs to do a FAFSA. It’s the Free Application for Federal and State Aid. Without this, you cannot access state and federal loans, scholarships and grants. You may think you have enough money for college, but what if you need a loan? It’s better to do the application and be prepared for any need you may have. The cost of college can vary greatly. The loans through FAFSA usually have a much better interest rate and this is where you can get the subsidized loans if qualified. That means interest is not accruing as you go to school. So when you start your FAFSA (Fall of senior year of high school) be sure to read everything and every step. It’s not a difficult application but it helps to be accurate! It’s available October 1 and due by March 1. www.fafsa.ed.gov

2) Private Scholarships: Do a national scholarship search. Use an established website or program. Your high school may use a certain website or program so it’s best to check there first. There are quite a few databases for private scholarships, but I like fastweb.com. It’s one of the largest databases and you can use a filter to find the scholarships that best match you. You may get a list of hundreds so try to give as much information as possible for the best match. Go through the list and find the ones you feel are the best match for you. If they require an essay, write one! You might be able to use the same or a similar essay for multiple scholarships. And many teens will skip the ones requiring essays so you just might have a better chance!

3) Other Scholarships: By “other” scholarships I mean that your school might sponsor some local scholarships and you will want to check those out. At my school, we keep a list of the local scholarships that many of our kids apply to and get! Another “other” is checking with the colleges you are applying to. Many colleges will sponsor their own scholarships too, with specific deadlines. You can find this information by visiting the college’s financial aid website. Do that for each college you have applied to. Many private scholarship deadlines run throughout the school year. Most are available to high school seniors, but there are a few out there for other grades.

It takes a bit of research and work to find money, but think of it as a part-time job. What if you put ten hours into applying for financial aid and you end up getting a thousand dollars????!!! I think that’s pretty good pay! And you may even get more. The people who try and apply usually are the ones who get some money. Funny how that works. So make a commitment to try. Remember that financial aid can vary depending on your family income and even your grade point average. Some financial aid is need-based and some is academic. Some are both! It certainly won’t hurt to try and you definitely won’t get any assistance if you don’t apply. Be sure to check deadlines since these can also vary greatly. Good luck and happy money hunting!

Nothing Wrong With a Little Structure

October 15, 2016July 29, 2017 Ann Nebolon Leave a comment

Dear Teen and Parent,

I get so many parents asking me for ideas on what to do to get their teen to get homework or studying done. My first response is…do they have structured time at home set aside to complete school work? What I mean is that when you come home from school, you take a short break, 30 to 60 minutes, then sit down and get to work for 30-60 minutes at a time. This can vary depending on your ability to stay focused. Then take another break, then get back to work. You create 30-60 minute time blocks where you are committed to doing your school work, whether it is regular homework, a project, or studying for a test. You need to figure it around your other commitments at home, like chores and dinner, etc. If you, the teen, set this up for yourself you have a higher chance of it working. Now you need to have a place set aside for you to do your work. It can be a desk in your room, in the family room, or any where away from other distractions. During your structured homework time you absolutely cannot have your phone anywhere near you and certainly not turned on. It is way too much of a distraction. In your break time you can check your phone. If you need to use a computer/internet to do your homework the commitment is not to start communicating with friends. If you need to ask someone something and need to text them, make sure it is always about school. Then get off. Most teens need at least an hour of homework time, so start there. If you find you need more, add some more time in. If the time you need varies from day to day, that’s OK too. Just take your time, don’t rush through it. If you find you have a little extra time left maybe you could be preparing for an upcoming test or getting ahead on a project. The key is commitment. Then when you find you are sticking to the structured plan and getting your work done be super proud of yourself!!! Try it. Maybe you can prove to your parents that you’ve got it handled. Then they just might stop bugging you about getting your homework done! Sounds like it’s worth a try!